12th January 2010 - goodbye

My last post was a huge mistake. A huge mistake. I just read this comment on Facebook.
"followers"??????
i thot twisha wud top dis list!!!!!!;-) sum1 is givin u stiff competition twish....n "princess tinni" is just sittin back n enjoyin!!!!!!nyc....:-)
Sreeja Chanda. Hoo. Okay. I called her up, and asked her for explanations. Phew! I am shaking uncontrollably. Don't ask me why. I dunno why. I don't want to know why. It's just a pity I can't just disappear, without dying. I'll disappear as much as I can, okay. Sreeja explained why she wrote "Princess Tinni". Okay, thanks Disha. Thanks. The last time I shook this badly was last year. Okay. I'll be okay. No, no movie tonight. full stop. And, well, I dunno if I ought to
I can't make this blog inaccessible to people. I can just stop blogging. Bye. This is my last post on this blog.

12th January 2010 - Phew!

Time: 4:20pm
Yesterday, at British Council, I came across a book called The Writers' Handbook. As I flipped through the pages, I came across a story of a girl who used to blog a lot, a nd pretty well. So well, in fact, that some famous publisher contacted her, and bought the copyright over her blog, and published it as a book. I imagined if any publisher would ever wanna do that with my blog. No, because I don't have that in mind when I write. Example: Now.
I am screwed up and fucked up. And I hate watching anything at all, now. I hate doing anything at all now. I made the phone calls, while sitting on this chair. I have to get my arse up, and go and have a bath, and go out. I made more than 2 phone calls. I made 3 STD calls, and two local calls. It's the locals calls that have pissed me off. I know I haven't mentioned why I didn't update my status on Gtalk after Disha called me on Sunday. Then, it made sense, for once, something was being mutual! Okay, I'll elaborate a bit more. Disha is now almost her best friend. And vice-versa. I don't even know why Disha had cried at college on Saturday. She knows. Okay. Now why that? I can understand not knowing anything about her, because she doesn't know anything about me too. I can understand, my getting to know the mere facts, because she gets to know the mere facts too. But why should there be anything on earth that Disha and I can't share with each other? No, that's not what's pissed me off. Yeah I am pissed off. Okay, I finally admit that. I have been very pissed off. Just that, the reasons taht my brain show me, aren't the reasons! It's not about Disha. Haven't I complained to Criss taht I hate that dIsha can read my face? Haven't I cursed the "attachment" with Disha: the whole family attachment thing? I know I can't just say that now, the attachment doesn't exist. Because Disha keeps telling me, that she can't tell me things, because it's between her and her. Fuck. And I keep saying, that it's what I want. Yeah, I got it! I am pissed off, since November, because, I have been getting everything I wanted to get. And after getting them, the results aren't what I expected. Be it a "change" from the stagnancy in our relationship, or about Disha's being faithful to me. I wanted these to stop. They have stopped. And I am very happy that they have stopped. Yeah I am happy, I am laughing at it, all the time. It's just the dual thing. Again. Phew. I am happy, that things are going as I planned. Everything. Everything is going as I planned them. I had my own mental turbulence in mind too, in my plans too. So, I'm okay with it. Just that, I need my blog to handle it all. I feel liek Brad Pitt in Sleepers. The stress. Dadabhai asked me not to drink anymore. How is it going to matter? Dude I don't need to get drunk. It's all the same, drunk or not. It's all the same. I know that I want this. (Like I said I want to die like Devdas, in pain, yet, that doesn't mean I won't use the word "pain" to describe it then) Fuck. And The Fountainhead. Everything's coming together. And the more everything seems connected to each other, it gets complicated. Why did I have to read The Fountainhead? And why just then? I could have read it ages ago, and forgot about it now. I could have read it ages later, when all of this would have been over. And I get these awful dreams. I can't even tag a "good" or "bad" label to them. And well, in last night's dream, I didn't even know, in the dream itself whether I was happy or sad. I am not the only person I know who is or have been going through this awful phase. But, yeah, I am the only person I know who have absurd dreams. Why do dreams have to be so fucking important? Why can't I have peace when I sleep, at least? Now, i hate it all. Hatred, right. And therefore, the fury. Fighting all these negative emotions is the joy and gratefulness. The trouble is that, the joy and and the fury is directed at eh same incident. Always. Like yesterday afternoon. Having to wait till 12:40pm. I was both furious and happy (happy because I met Gul) at the same incident. Disha: I am both furious and grateful at what she is having to do now. Mind you, I am not furious or grateful to her. It's not her. It's what she is having to do. She is doing what she has to do. And I also, know this, that the reason, she can't betray her, is because Disha loves me. In bengali "amio or doler lok". By being not faithful to me, Disha is actually being faithful to me. Hoo, the complications again! This is why I loved Shob Choritro Kalponik, and The Last Lear. Because they showed the complications, and didn't solve them. People who find their lives alike to what F.R.I.E.N.D.S. show, won't know what complications mean, so they won't understand Rituporno Ghosh, I agree. Now them point is, that what exists as a complication, is a complication. It's not meant to be solved or sorted out. The complication is the eternity, the completion. Get that, Mr. Mehta! You asked me to let the colour fade away, and not delete it with force. And now, if we were in terms like before, you would say that I have forcibly erased the colour, by getting over her. But, then, human beings are NOT simple. No way. It's more than that, it's more than can be said or even described in a sentence. Sometimes, I really feel I have got over her. Because there are things I am doing now, with other people, that I would never have imagined doing without her few months before. And I do them, without feeling bad. The next moment, when I try to analyse whether I really don't feel bad, I realize that I am feeling over-joyed! Over-joyed, eh? Yeah, I feel this is some kind of a revenge, I am doing what she is doing. Then, the strange feeling, because someone inside my brain tells me that it's not me who's taking a revenge. It's her who's doing it. She's taking the revenge. She's making me feel all that I must have made her feel back in Devcember 2007. Then I realise that, no, she isn't doing anything. All she knows, is that she loves you. She does feel it, maybe, at times, that she and me aren't "soul-friends" anymore. But, then that's all. She can't be taking a revenge on me, if she herself isn't aware of it. But, then, my princess, when was she ever aware of anything? When did she ever UNDERSTAND? She doesn't even understand you, or Disha, for that matter! I wish I could lend my brain to her, so that she could use that part that knows you, and understand you. I haven't taught her how to understand everything and everyone, because I loved her, and the more she would understand everything and everyone, the more miserable she would be. The way Disha is miserable. The way Disha wants to cry when she sees me, and wants to be with me, and the next moment, she decides she can't tell me certain things. Please, let her be the way she is. Call it innocence. She doesn't need to understand. She never wanted to take up psychology, did she? Let her be at peace. We're all working on it. We all are suffering, but then the the only reason we can suffer, and not complain about it, is because we care for her. We want her to be happy. If she is happy, we don't give a damn whether she is lying to herself or not. We don't give a damn.
I am calm now. First time, since months, I have WRITTEN everything down, and not in terms of tough intellectual words, or indirect sarcastic words. I have written down exactly what I think. And, well, I am not feeling good about it, not at all. I have my blog header saying "Because Of You". I have referred to someone else as 'you'. That says how much I am being myself. I am still not being myself, because I dunno what being myself is. Not at the present state of affairs. I know what being myself means, if I can go back in time, say a couple of years. Well, princess, you know, Koushik Da reads my blog, Subhenjit (well, he's Arpit's friend) reads my blog too. I mean people who really dunno what's going on read my blog. And it matters to me, that they read my blog. But, I still know that the way I write things, only you can decipher what it's all about. I still write to you. Even if I refer to you as she. And why did I have this outburst? I'll tell you that too. One time, it's justice. I'll tell you whom I called , the local ones: Shauvik, and Disha. Disha told me, in direct speech "ami toke bolte parbo na. O chaibe na je ami toke boli". Wasn't that fucking wonderful? If you remember, that Disha was the second most important woman in life, you should think that I felt awful when she said that. But you would be 50% wrong. Exactly 50%. Not more, not less. When I was making her recite the Hanuman Chalisa, at Burrabazaar, on 3rd January morning, I had a placed a demand on her. I wanted Disha to give me something. Disha said "Don't do this to me." But, I knew that she had started doing it since the previous night itself. The girl-talk you had when I had gone to buy the chickn. Disha admitted that it was about what I suspected it was about. But, she didn't give me the details. I didn't ask for it too. all of use are doing what we should do, because that's what we want to do. Ok, I'm going into complications again, drop it. The good thing is that, she is fulfilling my demand now! She knows it. She just isn't aware of it. If I make her aware of that, she'll feel she's wronging me. Let her be you, for sometime. This is right. [Because this is what I'd wanted all along]Just that I didn't want to write all this, but now that I've spent an hour over it, I won't delete it. I have screwed up a whole day. I won't bathe today, it's over 5:30pm. I won't even go out. Instead, I'll open a book. Maybe. maybe not. Doesn't matter. Not yet.

12th December 2010 - again

Time:3pm
I wrote the last post, because I need to think, and as I keep saying, I need to write to think. I have been thinking aloud on that post. Now this will be about what I was thinking, and not what I am thinking.
What triggered off this post is Subhenjit's new post. He thinks he rubbed me off ina wrong way, and so, I had changed my Gtalk status to "irritated"! Ha! How I wish, other people on earth could irritate me! Or do anything to me at all! I wish I could "respond" to other people, but no, I don't. Now why I was irritated that day. I was irritated last night too, for the same reason. I have been irritated a number of times in the last few weeks, for the same reason. Here's the thing, Subhenjit. Suppose, I am online. She comes online. I see her coming online, but I don't take the initiative to talk to her. She asks me "Why don't you ping me yourself?". Now, suppose, I do ping her, and talk to her on my own. She replies to each thing at least 5-10 minutes after I've typed it. Period. Guess now, why I get irritated. Anyone would. It's just that, with anyone else, things wold be less complicated. Now, she reads this blog. I have your number, so I'll tell you the rest sometime later.
I hadn't mentioned that I've started liking F.R.I.E.N.D.S. a lot. I always thought that I hated the background laughter thing being played. But when I was on episode 9 of Season 1, I realised that Hardik was right. It doesn't bother much, because the thing is too good in itself. When I was on episode 15, I realised that I LIKE the background laughter thing being played! Now, that Season One is almost over, I have realised that F.R.I.E.N.D.S make my sad. Life isn't what they show it. The complications are carefully avoided from being shown. Be it the Ross-Carol thing, or the Chandler-Janice thing, and MANY MORE. The complications that are bound to exist are carefully avoided from being shown. I can't love it. I enjoy watching it, just because it makes me smile at times. I hope they teach me to overlook the complications around me too! For that matter, I know I don't overlook the complications, but I have stopped letting them bother me. I have become stoic, since December. There's one sensitive issue in everyone's life. Same with me. So, as long as I stay away from that, I am always unruffled. So, dear issue, please stay away from me. The moment you come near me, my blood pressure fluctuates heavily. Let me have nothing-noteworthy days.

12th December 2010

Time:2:30pm
I was DETERMINED to go to college today. I didn't because I prefered to sit home and think. In short, I've screwed up the whole day. I dunno if I'll be studying. I need to chalk out a plan for the day. I have to make 2 phone calls, 2 STD ones. I have to go out to two shops, nearby ones. I have to go to the ATM to withdraw money. I have to watch Sherlock Holmes ASAP. I have to find a partner for today, if possible (oh I know it's not possible). I have o study. I have to Google College Service Commission exams for Disha. I have to call Disha ASAP. Do I have anything else to do? Oh yeah, I had this haircut (that's the excuse I gave myself at 10:30am, when I decided not to go to college); so I must have a mega bath ASAP. There are two reasons why I should not bathe today. but, I dunno I have to figure that out soon: which reason is stronger. If I'm not meeting anyone till 15th December, I can bathe on 15th. But no, I have to go to college, and I have to meet Disha tomorrow. I must bathe today. Okay, so next thing I do, after I've finished with this (and I've watched another episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S), is having a bath. Then I will make the calls. Then I will go out and do the outdoor stuff. Movie: 4:50pm. I won't be able to make it. I don't want to be able to make it without someone else. And there's no one available at the moment. Dan the money. Okay, let's see. I don't need to watch the movie. I can download it and watch it later. Hoo. No, i won't wait till that. I will watch it, and do so today itself. Or maybe tomorrow. Phew. Let's see. First, the phone calls, and the bathing.
Yesterday wasn't a good day in any way. That doesn't mean I wasn't happy. It means, that every time I was happy, it was because of the prospect of something. In the end, the something didn't happen. First, I had to meet Payal at 8am, I didn't, because I was having a good dream, and I wanted to sleep more to let it finish. (I know good dreams are bad for me, nevertheless). That's bad, that's how the day started. Moreover, I was determined to go to college, and I didn't want to sacrifice college for stupid tings. Thanks to me, I didn't go to college, eventually. Good thing next: I arranged for a meeting later that day. Okay, so I met Payal, and took the stuff I was supposed to transport to Tiyash by 11:30am. When I'm halfway, in a cab, in my hurry, she tells me her class won't get over before 12:40pm. Bad thing again. Good thing next: I went to British Council and studied. I mean real studying: my subject, my syllabus. Then, at 12:40pm, when I'm outside Xaviers, waiting, Tiyash sends someone else to take it. If someone else would take it, why was I waiting for her class to get over? Bad thing. Okay, then I run into Gul. First time, two people who know each textually (and a little more) see each other, and recognise each other, and....that's the good thing. Bad thing next: she is as busy as usual. Nothing more happened. Good thing next: evening with Payal. We met around 7pm and I saw her last at 10pm. We had, among other things: Irish creme: which she found like toothpaste, and me like cookies. Then I walked back home, again, I walked more than halfway across South Kolkata. Coming back home, I came online, and then the bad tings started....and lasted till 3am. When I woke up at 7am today, I was still not at peace. I screwed up the whole day. Let's see if something happens. Whatever happens, won't be good, for me. The last time I was happy was before September last year. As far as I can look back, there has been only two types of existence since 2010. Either, I am numb, and indifferent to everything. Or, I am sad. And I hope, I have a sad day, today. It's better than a nothing-noteworthy-day.

10th January 2010

10th January: Sunday. Time: 2pm
I didn't write the last couple of days, because not mane things happened. And I was scared that I might ruin my mood if I write anything. Day before yesterday, I watched a movie at home, after ages. Kramer vs Kramer. The movie from which the much-acclaimed Aamir Khan starrer Akele Hum Akele Tum was copied. I knew the whole story, I knew what to expect next. Yet I loved the movie. Anyway, other noteworthy things would be Picco's visit. He is getting too involved with his geography teacher. In fact, I'm scared that his teacher is getting too involved too. Till last week, I have always seen a cheerful and jolly Picco. Since he had that chat with his teacher over Gtalk, what I see is not a cheerful or jolly Picco, but a "happy" Picco. I can goddamn see the difference between cheerfulness and happiness.
And that's scary. If Sreeparna Miss gives him happiness, it is scary. The fact that his teacher is responding is the scariest of all. Now, why? Firstly, there's a possibility, that Sreeparna Ma'am is responding to Picco, because he has his ISC coming up, and it's a teacher'd duty to ensure that her student's mind set is not disturbed before an exam as important as ISC! Now, if that happens, and she tells my brother after his exam that she has been pretending all this while, it would make him suffer more than he can take. There's a worse outcome possible. Both of them have a crush on each other. Either one of them will realize it soon (after Picco's ISC, I hope). The other one (which I'm scared, will be Picco) will never get over the relationship, in tat case. When two people have a crush on each other, and one of them realize it before the other, the latter never gets over the former. The crush turns into a life-consuming obsession. That's what I think. I hope I'm wrong.
The other noteworthy thing that happened at 1am that night was my first MMS. Sritama sent me a picture via MMS. I can't tell you why it's noteworthy, let's just say, I have a weakness towards technology!
Yesterday, the day started with Puspen. I told him a "secret" of mine by mistake, and kept hoping that he wouldn't tell Disha. Now, it might be questioned why I don't wanna tell Puspen/Disha a secret. It's because they somehow are related to my past. Telling them something means, relating that something to my past. And that ought to be avoided at all costs! Even Sayak doesn't know. He will know, but not before it's too late. For that matter even Disha and Payal will know, but after it's too late. As of now, Puspen hasn't told Disha. and he won't, thanks to thir own communication gap. Ha Ha! Fucking nasty of me. Fucking nasty.
After Puspen, I met Criss at Golpark, we had lunch together, at an inconspicuous and cheap restaurant, which served awesome North Indian food. Then we walked from one end of South Kolkata to the other, twice. And took photographs on the way. Trees, sunset, rickshaws, gates, fuchka-sellers, etc. Then we went to a photography exhibhition at the Weavers' Studio, Ballygunj place. Then we went to the Birla Academy of Art and Culture, and for the first time in my life, I watched a violin being played with my own eyes. It was a simple bhakti geeti kind of thing, sung by a shrill female voice, accompanied by a man on violin. Now, that was some strange experience!
Day ended as soon as I harvested my farm on Facebook, and went to sleep. Today morning, I woke up early, and went to meet a guy form Durgapur, Gaurav Pande, who was supposed to teach my how to ride a bike. Thanks to my car-driving and cycling experiences, it didnt take more than ten minutes, in all. I rode the bike on my own, for about an hour, and then, I went to South City Mall, to watch a horror film named Paranormal Activity. It turned out to be a live footage of a presence of an evil spirit, and not a movie in any sense. If censor-boards had any social sense, they should not have allowed this thing into the theatres. Anyone, who doesn't believe in spirits, or doesn't take spirits or ghosts seriously (like me) will be removed of all doubts. It's a real thing being recorded by a hand camera. Goddamn it. I was supposed to have a haircut after watching it. Instead I rushed back home and wrote "Don't watch Paranormal Activity" on my Facebook status message. I copmlained about the censorboard on Twitter. Before I could change my Google account status, Disha called me up. Let's see what I do for the rest of the day. One of dad's NRI friends had come. Madhu Uncle, from Paris. He's a professional painter! I had a chat with him. He said that I can't be a poet, a painter, and a film-maker all at once. I have to choose any one of them. Let's see. I've one and a half years to figure that out!

8th January 2010

It's 2:30am, technically, I'm still in 7th January 2010. Anyway, I read a few great blogs tonight. Here are the links:
http://neverlandthroughmylens.blogspot.com/2010/01/there-was-kid.html
This brought a lump in my throat!
http://surrealsubhi.blogspot.com/2010/01/staying-apart.html
This is from Subhenjit's blog, I still can relate to every fucking thing he talks about, even thought I know his story and mine aren't the same!
http://paulocoelhoblog.com/2010/01/07/the-magic-moment/
And, my Paulo Coelho! He always talks wisdom, and I don't mind his being the same all over, because he realises the same "truth" all over, like me! THis is an excerpt from one of his books that I've read. Still feels like a first time!
Anyway, I had this time on 2nd January night, when Disha's Mum asked me "How was your new year eve?" I screwed up my eye-brows, trying to find a word for it, without telling her that I had got drunk with three guys, two of them, complete strangers, in my room, and blurted out secrets, not just my own, but others too! Before I could hit on the right word, she said "You don't know, right? You don't know anymore what is good, or what is bad. You don't know anymore when you're happy, when you're sad, right?". I thanked her for stealing my thoughts away! She asked me next, "But christams was good, right?" I wanted to tell her No, but then I knew why she thought it was good. She understood me to a great extent, but then, not beyond that. I wasn't happy, even on Christmas, how could I explain that? But then, I said "Yeah, probabaly", and closed the conversation. She trailed off to other issues, which, are also, quite painful to recount, painful to be the informer of. Pain, aah. That doesn't go so easily. I have realsied why I love cold drinks. It's not the cold drink actually. I love cold, icy cold liquids, in general. It helps to push down the lump in the throat. Now, when did I realise that? Last night. I was so suicidal that I felt I must scribble a suicide note, in case, I actually succumb to my destructive desire someday. My suicide note would clearly mention that no incident in the past is responsible for it. In fact, last night, I didn't have a bad time. Minutes before I was overcome with the desire to end my life, I was happy, I was laughing over the phone with Sritama, over an STD call. In Gayatri Miss's words, the detectives are wrong when they try and find out what happened exactly before the death, because, non one plans to kill himself. It's just a moment of temporary insanity. i experienced i last night so vividly. It happened in a matter of few minutes. I ended the call, I put the earphones into place, and started playing Mon Giyechhe Moner Ghor (Neel Dutt) and thought about something, about two specific people making love, lying over each other, skin to skin. And it just hit me like an uninformed-of gust of wind that I would never experience that. I know I thought about two specific people, but then , they weren't the cause. I wanted to make things "even and normal". I wanted to have sex with a girl. And I realised my handicap. I would never, ever, experience how it feels like to have sex, except online descriptions! It didn't come like a gradual chain of thoughts. It was just a rush, and BOOM. I spent one hour trying to think of the fastest ways to end my life. Then, I made myself look at my life from the eyes of other people. Other people, like Picco, Dadabhai, Disha, Puspen, Sritama etc. Picco, first, because, I know that his dreams are dependent on mine. The day I say that I don't dreamm of being a film-maker, he'll stop saying that too. Now, looking at myself, that way, I realised that I've got a lot of work to do. I will have to prove a lot people wrong! I have to do that before I can end my life. The pain didn't go away. I thought for a second, that maybe, if I have a girlfriend, I won't realise my physical handicap every now and then. Then I realised, that I don't want just a girl-friend. I want someone to love me, that way. Then I realised how much I sound like those guys whom I scold for wanting a girl-friend! Saugata, Somak etc. I tell them that music, movies and books are enough, love isn't necessary. and there I was, standing in the balcony, at 3am in the night, wanting love! Goddamn it! How many times will I be proved wrong about MYSELF in the course of a few days! I thought all my life, that I enjoy solitude. Till, one evening, everyone I could call a friend was either out of town, or busy doing something else, or just not wanting to be with me, and I was badly looking for company to go to a fair. I could go to those rides on my own (which I did go to alone, eventually) but I didn't want to got without someone who would scream at the leaping movements and the pressure changes and all. I mean, how could I enjoy a ride, without having someone who'll scream beside me? That evening, I felt lonely. For the first time in twenty years, I felt that I'm not enjoying being alone! Anyway, being at Durgapur, with Mum and Dida is always an excruciating experience. Even if it has been so since I remember, they still hurt with equal intensity, as if it's for the first time. Sometimes, you never get used to certain things. Oh how true is that! I still haven't got used to a lot of things that I was supposed to get used to by now. Getting over, ha ha!
Anyway, I have started doing a lot of constructive work, finally. I met Rituporno Ghosh's assistant tonight, at a party. I have written another poem last night (before Sritama's call) about a silverfish dying under my fingers, in a book. I have lost it, but as I told Criss the other day, I don't feel bad when I lose a poem, unlike him, because I know I'll be writing more, much more. I don't need time to think and some more time to form words and rhyme them. They automatically just form in my mind, in the unlikeliest of circumstances. I studied a little too, in the past 24 hours. The part in Development Economics, where the economies of Nigeria and Indonesia are compared is interesting. Both the countries, Nigeria and Indonesia have equal area, equal population, and equal resources (oil, forests, etc). Yet, if we look at their GDP growth since 1980, Nigeria has been going poorer from poor, and Indonesia has been growing richer from poor! The book explained it in terms of policy defects and and all. But I still think it's the climate conditions. The UN lent equal amounts of capital to both the countries. They both invested it. And Indonesia recovered the loan, and started exporting manufactured goods, while Nigeria went deeper and deeper into debt. What the book also didn't mention was that the Shell company (US) robs Nigeria of all its oil, while Indonesia gets to sell its own oil. Why so? The more I think, I climate seems to be the answer. Why should Nigerians be lazier than Indonesians, if not for the stark climatic differences? But then, the book is also right, because for different climatic conditions, the UN should have different Structural Adjustment Policies! I have lot more to read on SAPs. I have my January all planned and packed. I have to find time to study amidst all of it. Let's see what turns out.
"We have to take risks. We can only truly understand the miracle of life when we let the unexpected manifest itself." -The first lines from Coelho's latest blog [By The River Piedra I Sat Down And Wept] Only I know how much I'm risking my life for at the moment! Magic, are you coming?

5th January 2010

Hello. New year, yeah. Too soon, if you ask me! Now, the new year took off too fast a start. Three consecutive "happening" nights, and me, deprived of my blog, in some way or the other. The first night, I wasn't at my own place. The second night, my net provider suspended my connection due to delayed payment. The third night, my computer's motherboard flunked. Now, I am at Durgapur, using a super-slow machine.anyway, I'll write down little now. Right then, my brain was all muddled and confused. I badly needed to write to think. But, now, it's too late to be muddled anymore. I couldn't sleep the night before coming to Durgapur. But, the good thing about it is, I painted on the canvas I had bought a year ago. I wrote a poem, after a month! I'm back on track! I'm technically better.
What still troubles, is dreams. Troubling dreams. Creepily weird stuff. And mornings are still the toughest part of the day, when I can feel a battle going on within my body between two contradictory desires. That's more painful than death, I guess. Anyway, I have mastered the art of self-control to a great extent.
I wish this keyboard would make it more comfortable for me to type my heart out. But, I can't. So, I'll postpone it to 7th January.