The Hangover

My health is going no good. No food for 48 hours, and yet an upset stomach. I've wanting to write here day before yesterday. But people kept calling for hours, till I was sleepy, and the blog had to be skipped. Then, after all the things on board have been destroyed by the storm, I got a view of an island to go to and anchor on. I set off towards it, and I fell asleep. When I woke up, it was too late. I missed the only opportunity I had in days, and I might have at all, in more days to come.
Yesterday, met Diptyajit (will refer to him as DJ henceforth) after a long time. After a lot of silent wondering on how to talk about "it", he informed me that had been reading my blog, so he has an idea. Inevitably, I got drunk. I didn't misbehave like the previous day (not my previous getting drunk, but my previous getting drunk with DJ, but I did forget my "rules" when I got a call. She missed it. She could have got everything out then, if she wasn't disgusted with my being drunk. But, it's good. I would have felt worse off, if I had let everything out, not getting anything back in return! Anyway, DJ switched off my cell, and hid it, and left a note on my desktop, in case I don't find it after I wake up. I remember hugging him like I did Aditi Aunty on 5th December. It's the kind of hug, which you give someone stronger than you, your hands tight on his/her shoulder, your head firm on his/her chest or shoulder (varies with the person's height) and you using all your energy to squeeze out tears. I don't remember anything much, though. I see the need bookmark on my browser, and remember, slowly, all the discussions about his life, that we had. He had left by 6pm, I had dropped dead within half an hour from then. I didn't throw up, which means I could have had more. I woke up at 11pm and had a pleasant hangover. I was my sarcastic smirking self again, only with a bit more intensity! Stayed awake till 3am, and my head was clear by then. Then I forced myself to go to sleep. I had a lot of dreams. I remember two of them distinctly. They were too good to be true. Absurdly real dreams. Had people like Hamza (a classmate) and Yealeena (an ex-classmate) in the roles of villains in the dream. But, I won, in the end. The second dream was even more real. It was about waking up, and calling her up, and hearing a freaked out voice, actually breaking good news to me. When I did wake up, after that, I had trouble understanding why her name didn't appear on the top of the call lists. I woke up at 5:30am. It's 7am now, and I've been having an awful nausea since I woke up. I also realized what has been troubling my mouth slightly till yesterday. It's a recurrence of what had happened many months ago. An infection in the corner upper jaw gum. I'll go to Disha's place today, I think. Oh, she lost her wallet again! Anyway, I've got everything out. And wonder why I didn't erase her from all it, like I have been swearing to do, in the last few posts. Am I still having a hangover? Absurd!

Prologue

Aah, I see that's your way of telling me things, eh? Hmm. Pretty much my way, you know. Anyway, since there has been a few certain things, that I haven't told you, I'm pretty sure, there are, and will be, as of now, as yet, things that you wouldn't tell me. What's good about it? The fact that they are the the same thing. It's the same thing that we are NOT talking about. What's bad about it? I feel like deleting my previous posts, all of them, because I have drawn conclusions, which I shouldn't have, knowing that you're not telling me certain things, and also knowing why you aren't telling me, I should have refrained myself from making a lot of those statements that I made herein. I know now, which of them are true, which aren't. But, then again, I won't write them or tell them. I'll just have a hearty laugh. At Romo's statement of my being a director of every relationship. She was right, because yeah, that's what I have always wanted to. She was wrong, because that's what I've never succeeded in being. And I'm glad that it it's so. I strongly believe in the rules of the universe. The fact that I get what I want, still happens. That's the first rule. But I don't get it the way I want it. That's the second rule, so that's good too!

Breakdown

Too short a time to be back on this fucking page again. But then, yeah, fucking page, as this is, it has played an important role. Ever since the first day of its conception. I have used this to say things which I couldn't say over the chat window, or over the phone. It had some use. Over last few days, I had resorted to selective publishing. And anyone who has read every post, would know why. The person whom I wanted to tell everything to, didn't want to exist on this page. That's practically impossible, but virtually very possible! Whatever has been happening since the last few WEEKS, has been a great experience for me. A great, and varied and enlightening one. For starters, I have gone back to my school days form, when I considered telling people about my own life was a shameful thing to do. I have learnt IMMENSE self-control, yeah. I have become more confident about a few things, and more focussed towards a few others. And last, but not the least, I have experienced new emotions, new feelings, and new thoughts. I can't say I have changed, no. I have started being myself even more than I was being the last one year. Myself? Yeah, I have started enjoying solitude, like I used to do, till this "person" came into life, and filled up every fucking moment so much so, that I couldn't bear the idea of being without her for a moment. I have no shame in admitting that I had become like a kid, depending on one person for every easy decision to be made, from whether to watch a movie or not, whether to talk to a person or not, and even, whether to brush my teeth or not! I can't say I have started making these decisions on my own again. I have just started giving a shit about everything else. Which is good, you see. The lesser number of things you let into your life, the lesser the inconviniences in their absences.
I have been telling myself that I have had outbursts in the last few weeks. I have been calling those days of uncontrollable shaking of legs as my "outburst" days. Till today. I had a real breakdown today. It wasn't a shaking thing. It was worse, if I'm allowed to compare. I have always believed that the body has nothing to do with the person, it's only the mind that matters. So, when I had no control over my physical behavior, I was glad I had my mind in my control. Today, my mind went out of my control. No, no, not fluctuations. Fluctuations happen when you have varied thoughts at varied points of time. I'm not talking about that. That's an old story. I'm talking about a breakdown. A Complete Breakdown. Where the mind is without thoughts. Yeah, I cried a lot. A LOT! I guess it was because I wasn't prepared, I wasn't expecting it, blah blah. The very thought of it, still hurts, right. But, no, I'm not going to give you the pleasure of reading my thoughts anymore. You have probably been reading my previous posts too, the last 3-4 ones, about which you haven't mentioned anything to me. Your voice over the phone, the way you disconnected, and most importantly, today morning, it all marks the end of the last few weeks. You're not gonna tell me anything anymore. Yeah, you will, tell me unimportant repetitive things, when you need to talk to me to cheer yourself up. Like you already did twice, since your exams started. You'll not tell me the important things anymore. The last straw I held on, you're taking it away. But then, that's what you want, I know. You don't want me to hope for anything, that you know for sure, is never gonna happen. No, I'm not blaming you. I have been in your place a few years ago. I know how awfully normal and natural this is. I won't repeat mistakes. I know what I want. Ask Puspen, he'll tell you how clear I am about my priorities (he envies that, you see). I know what to do now.
I've started doing it, before you did. I have been hiding a lot of tings, before you started hiding things. (It wasn't too difficult, with our reduced conversations!)I have been lying about things, before you started doing it. Just like you think you're doing it for my good (which is absolutely wrong, but I understand) even I had thought it was for your good that I was doing them, and I made sure I tell your best friend everything, so that I don't feel guilty about it. Poor way of thinking, I have, isn't it? Poor excuses I give myself. But, anyway, no more of telling your best friend, no more of guilt. There aren't going to be anymore truths to hide, anymore of "our secrets". Why didn't I guess it long ago, Facebook had shown me the truth long ago. And I was so sure taht you are more faithful than Facebook. :) I am laughing at my innocence now. Never mind, never mind. Now, you'll be having more of "ki re kono shara shobdo nei sharadin?" days from me. You were playing with me. Since long. ( I know, that you don't know what you're doing, so don't bother to freak out!) I've been taking it, because I loved you, and I didn't give a shit about what you did with me. Now, today, I quit the game. I had a breakdown. I am broken. And you've got no use of a broken toy. You've gotta let it go. Bye.

Detached.

I woke up awfully today. But, that's just the waking up, and the going to bed. They are the only two times in the whole day, when I am in an awful state. Rest of the day, I don't give a shit about who I am, where I am, what am I doing, or what am I going through. I watch movies, talk to random people, chat with people, far and near, read some good stuff, meet some people, and period, the day's over. I don't give a thought to what's happening around me. So, even though, ENORMOUS things have happened in the last 24 hours, (thingS, plural, mind you) I have been detached from them when they were happening. I was pretending, you might say. But then I don't give a shit to that too, you know. I don't give a shit to what exactly is going on. So, I can't care lesser about the word value now!). I know for myself, that I'm not lying about anything. To anyone. If I'm smiling, it's smirk, and not a fake smile. If I am talking, it's a test I think I must pass, and not a show of fake friendliness. I can't call it pretension anymore, because of it's basic honesty. What I am calling it, is detachment. I am watching myself from a random passerby's view. I am detached from myself. So, I can't talk about myself anymore, not anymore.
The other half of my family: Disha and Puspen. I would like to talk about them. But I respect their privacy, and I respect mine too. I can't make their lives public, true. Even truer is the fact that I can't afford to attach myself to the things that mean something big to me, things such as THEM.
I watched two good movies on the two previous nights. The first one, and the better one is The Sleepers, starring people like Brad Pitt, Robert De Niro and Dustin Hoffman. But neither the star cast, nor their acting skills had anything to do with the movie. It was the story, the dialogues and the screenplay that made the impact.
The second one is The Insider. Al Pacino and Russel Crowe, Pacino being in the role of a supporting actor. It revolved around true-life incidents and true life characters, such as the Brown & Williamson Tobacco Company, and Dr. Jeffrey Wigand. Russel Crowe was pretty good, I guess. (I haven't seen him this way before, and I haven't seen him in any more than 2-3 movies) There were a few meaningful dialogues too, but the movie didn't have any overall effect that I can talk about.
Let's see what I watch now. I have become an expert at doing things I never thought I could make myself do. Be it being alone, or be it, not being alone. I'm doing too many things that I can't make myself do, if I give a shit about what's going on within me. I dunno if that's called being strong or being weak. Maybe, it's called weakening, with the pressure of showing strength. No, no, I can't talk about it. I just recovered a few hours ago. Distract and detach your mind, dude. Let's see. I'll watch something now. Or rather, read.

Delayed Neural Responses and Deceptions

Phew! Finally, I am here. I had said I'd come back the previous night I made the last post, but I didn't. Since then, till the last weekend, I couldn't have written anything, subtracting one person from all of it, because that one person is all that had happened. Weekend saw me preparing for a quiz, which I intended to do well, genuinely. I worked hard too. Then Sunday happened. I remember an incident my Samudra Da (whom I've always called just "Dada") had told me. He was on his way back to Durgapur from the Burdwan University. He was standing on the railway platform, waiting for the train. There were a lot of people from Durgapur (faces he knew very well, and faces he barely knew) on the platform, as there usually is. There was this guy he knew from his street-life days, who was standing too near the edge of the platform. One of those super-fast non-stop express trains came, and passed away. No one gave it much notice. Except the men standing around the man too near the edge. The air pressure had pulled him farther towards the edge. He had fallen on the ground. One whole leg lying on the platform, attached to his body. One half of the other leg lay bloodstained, down in the tracks, the other upper half being attached to his body. Slowly, everyone noticed him. No one said a word for a while. This man himself, didn't scream, or cry or anything. He used his hands to drag himself down onto the tracks, and then he took the leg in his hands, and tried fixing it back to the other half of it. Stupefied, and then hysterical, he continued doing it, till he gradually realized what had actually happened. By then even people had started to scream. What had surprised my Dada was the fact, that, he had felt no pain when a part of his limb broke away. Welcome to our nervous system. When something unexpectedly awful happens, our nervous system remains too shocked to react. Call it "numbness", in my literary version. Gradually, it absorbs the truth, and then, gradually, it reacts, sending signals to the brain about how painful it actually is. Then, the brain signals the rest of the body to shake or cry or whatever. That's exactly my previous Sunday evening for you. My brain had actually comprehended what had actually happened on Monday morning. And, after a long time, I did something utterly selfish. I realized I shouldn't go out, shouldn't meet people, and LEAST OF ALL, meet Shauvik, my quiz partner. I would have made irreversible mistakes if I met him. I tried to sleep off the trauma. I failed. Minutes before the quiz began, I told Shauvik that I'm deserting him. He went alone, and won the second position. Then I went to college, and faced worse. As usual, I did a good job of pretending to be cool with everything. But then I did make a few mistakes today: a few of those "bare-truth-before-you" moments. And then I was alone in a movie hall, again, and before the movie had started, I found my eyes wet!
Apart from this incident, there has been others too, the days were as normal as everyday, and at the same time, happening for the first time. 5th December, for example. Till the next day evening I didn't feel any gratitude towards the person who did everything to ensure I have a bad time on the day supposed to be my birthday. For me, it was just a normal day, a day, when I have to smile all throughout, even when the pain's choking me out of my breath. After that, I got feedback from the people who participated, and I was feeling grateful. I couldn't thank the organizer in person, because I wasn't sure if I'd realize I'm lying, the very moment I'd use the words. But I am grateful for what was done. It doesn't matter now, whether I liked what was done. I am glad it was done. A big controversy, there. But no, as I mentioned in the very beginning, till this weekend, very little of what happened is unrelated to that one person. So, I can't write down the exact truth about what exactly happened on 5th December, and what exactly I felt. Which is a pity, because this was one place, where I wrote down everything, everything that I couldn't tell Disha, Payal, Puspen etc. Not because I love to express, but because I want to keep track of the things I'm going through. I want to keep track of the process of my own growth. Anyway, it's okay. I'll store it in my mind.
[well, i did write it, and then deleted the whole paragraph; this is the edited version]
I did meet Puspen before all of it happened, and told him the basic details of what was going on right then, what had happened till then. He was reminded of nearly similar things he had to go through.
A few days ago, I was walking on an orange-lamp-lit-road, my eyes following my shadow. I observed that I look too young to be a twenty-year old. On the contrary, I feel too old for a twenty-year old. The thought can't be categorized into pleasant or unpleasant, but it did depress me, for a minute.
I had some good food in the past few days. I met someone yesterday. She had made my day. Only that, she made yesterday the first day in a month, that I cried myself to sleep. She reminded me, at night of course, of all the people I have lost. Though she had been the best thing that happened all day, by the time I fell asleep, I regretted meeting her. Delayed neural responses, as usual. Anyway, I don't need to write anything more, I'll recollect the rest from the previous two statements. I wish I could write each incident that happened since my last post, in greater detail. Each incident had meant a hell to me, and had started "chains of thoughts", you know. When I try to pen down things, I get to figure out a lot of un-figured-out feelings and thoughts. That's why I write. To have "clarity". It's the same way you need a pen and a paper to solve a complicated numerical problem. Some things are too complicated to be solved in your mind, without the help of a pen and paper. But then again, I'll manage without clarity. I don't need to find out the answers to the questions that kept hitting me last evening. [ The most common ones were- Disha and Puspen, will they be together in the end? Victoria Memorial, why? Taj Mahal, why was it in that movie song? Sayak, isn't he better off? Me, what am I doing here? What does this very moment mean? Should I go away? Should I stay? ] I will manage without the answers. Ah, I'll manage without peace of mind! I am strong! And I tell myself, that it's all going to be insignificant.
I am not OK with it. I am not at all OK, in any remote way. But then, when was I ever OK with things that are actually good for me?
I am glad I hadn't done what I wanted to do yesterday, at 4pm, at Park Street. First, I had wanted to hit the bike I was sitting on. Then I wanted to text someone and let out all the anger in words (slangs, actually). Then, I wanted to cry. Then I wanted to run away. I didn't do any of them. I asked Sayak to help me to get away from it. He was too engrossed in the latest theories on Diya, to care. And I'm grateful for that. I'm glad, like I was on 5th December.
Do you know why I walk behind the two of you? So that I get to see "it". The look in your eyes, the holding of hands, everything. The more I see it, the tighter my throat gets. I like that feeling, you know.
It's so easy to deceive, and it's so much more easier to get deceived.

Bored. GODDAMN IT!

She went offline. I'm back here. I just realised what I told Picco today afternoon. I'm bored. For the first time in 19 years, I admit, I am bored. I used to pride myself on the belief that I am the only person I know who can never get bored, because I can make things happen. I can. But now, all I've gotta do is wait. And waiting...well, this time, it's more trying. This is going to be the most difficult thing. More difficult that standing at Tollygunj from 3pm-6pm on a summer evening. More difficult than telling your ex-girl-friend's new boy-friend what to do, and when to do. This is worse, this is more difficult. And while I'me facing it, (and not evading it) I am bored. I tried studying yesterday. I changed subjects till I gave up. I found all taht boring. I watched movies at night, but I remember, I know how often I controlled the temptation to turn the computer off. I found the goodness in Mumbai Meri Jaan boring. I found the emotional scenes unworthy of going through. I found the scary happenings in The Uninvited unworthy of my fear. The only reason I watched the movies was to keep myself awake till 7:30am, for some noble purpose. I was bored of sleeping after that. I was bored of trying tomend my computer. I didn't go to watch the movies I had planned to, because the idea of watching them felt boring. I re-watched Inglorious Basterds with Picco n Dadabhai. That felt refreshing, though. After that, I skipped going to meet a friend to collect my long-ago-lent books. The idea of going out felt boring. But, that's not really important. Typing this feels boring. Or rather, worthless. But at least I'm doing something. If I didn't watch Inglorious Basterds, maybe I would have gone to collect the books, and watched an evening show as well. I need to do what I should do. I need to keep doing something or the other. So I will. The thought of being idle isn't too lucrative too!
Farmville now. Will drop by again later tonight. Doing for the sake of doing it.

Building. Breaking. And, Building Again.

I had resolved in my last post that I won't write down anything anymore. Despite the long gap, and, despite the events that followed, that still holds. I will write about everything else. Just subtract one person from all of it. Delete one colour from life, in someone's language. What I write is what I think. I have decided t quit smoking a number of times, but I never wrote it anywhere, because I knew it was never strong enough. I remember how Jojo Da had publicly resolved to quit smoking months ago, and restarted it no sooner. When my resolution is strong enough, I'll make a public announcement too. No, not public. Textual, to be exact. My blog isn't public property, it's something very private. Very very private.
Okay, in a nutshell, whatever happened during my absence from online life, will be mentioned serially. Since I have to erase the "sense" from all of it, it will be pretty precise.
1. For the first time, I considered taking up short-story writing, since poetry doesn't have a market, and I don't have time enough for novels. Not yet, not before I stop being a student. Short-story writing...well, haven't tried anything yet. But, let's see. I am not going to give up poetry, I can't. I don't decide to rite them, the words just form in my mind. But, I won' publish any of them, as of now.
2. The much-awaited 1st year results came out. I never saw them. I have got the marksheet, but I haven't seen that too. I have heard my marks from two people respectively. I have secured just the pass mark, but surprisingly, I have passed in Computer Science, the paper which I actually submitted blank. Never mind, it was a miracle, both in a good way, and a bad way. It was unexpected. And I like unexpected things.
3. I am the "proud" owner of a touchphone now. Samsung Corby. My mother bought it for me. I wanted the money, not the phone. So, I'm more inclined to hate it. But, this is the first cell that has been bought by Mum, the first cell I can carry around, without feeling that it's illegal.
4. My computer showed me that it's frequency of mood fluctuations is not too lower than mine. It crashed, I formatted it, it crashed again, I formatted it again. And so on. Right now, it's been 2 hours since my 10/11th format in a month. Let's see, again.
5. I've read my much-dreamt-of A House For Mr. Biswas by V. S. Naipaul. I was disappointed.
6. I've read the much-acclaimed The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. It was a disappoinment, in the sense that it didn't "affect" me. The person who asked me to read it, said that it was the best book he ever read, and he was convinced that it would chnag a few things about the way I look at life, etc. None of that happened. Arundhuti Roy's God Of Small Things still remain my best book ever.
7. Studies notwithstanding, I watched three movies consecutively last night. The first one was the best. Mumbai Meri Jaan. A not-so-well directed, a not-so-well shot film about a not-so-important-to-me issue. Yet, I loved it. It did have its desired effect on me. All I can say about the director is, he has learnt human psychology perfectly. I won't comment on his film-making skills, because it was alow budget film, so I dunno what constraints he might have had. Next I watched a horror film titled The Uninvited. A normal psycho-thriller. I realised during the movie, and after the movie, that I'm bored of horror films. I find the "fear factor" irritating. Last, I watched Snatch. It's Brad Pitt's much-acclaimed-by-Puspen movie. It was a smart movie, not too intense or effective. But I watched a completely unimaginable Brad Pitt. I can't compare him to my favourite, AL Pacino. But, I'm beginning to believe that he's an equally good actor. No, not good. GREAT!
8. I am very tempted to end this post with a personal touch. But I have to restrain myself to a permissible extent. I have had a lot of surprises of late, mostly from myself. When I am thinking that I am doing great, I'm not insecure, nothing, something unexpected happens gives me the same choking, shivering urge to scream. Oh yeah, I forgot that. I don't cry anymore. People cry out of sorrow. I don't feel sorrow anymore. I feel pain. And I do what people do out of pain. I scream. Actually,no, not unexpected things; pretty much expected things happen, but they "affect", because that's probably exactly what I had been scared of. I know how confusing I sound. That's why I didn't want to write anything. Damn.
9. Dear studies, please make me fall in love with you. She has come online. And....well...The End.