Life Is...Tough Perpetually

Long time, no post. yeah, that's because I didn't need to write anything. I had a person to tell everything to, and thus drain myself out. I'd nearly stopped smoking. I had nearly started studying, at an amazing pace too! I had nearly been one of the happiest persons on earth...but the crystal piece of "happiness" fell and broke again. The things I didn't want to see, pushed up to sight; the scents I didn't want to smell, came blowing with the wind; the the goosebumps I didn't want to feel, pricked out of skin; the person I didn't want to love, squeezed out my energies. Life is...tough, perpetually.

I've learnt a trick from Puspen. The title to this post is a result of that newly acquired skill. He spent a night at my house, had maggi, and the next day, a call from Disha shattered every sublime "feeling" that had begun to erupt. I went back to that previous self: friendship doesn't exist, I don't have any friend. I guess a better self would be one who didn't believe in any form of  relationships at all; not just friendship. Read this: Pseudoism. Am I a pseudo? Oh yeah. 100%. But notice Sigma's comment below the guy's post.

Its said that we all have four faces:

The person we project to people.

The person people see.

The person we think we are.

And the person we really are.

It means, I'm forgivable. On the auto-ride back home today, I realised that I just have too many psychological disorders. Gender Identity Disorder, Depressis Psychosis, Pseudoism, Multiple Personality Disorder (mild), Superiority Complex, addictions...are few of the toppers, in order of priority! But, since the World Health Organisation recognises each of my "psychological" disorders as having purely biological origins, I have my genes to put the blame on, right?

I went to college after more than a fortnight. Everyone was cheerful. As usual, of course. The same innocent smiles, the same meaningless laughters, the same glee. It hurts to see so much happiness. Sometimes, it cheers me up. Sometimes, it depresses me even more. It was the latter today. Afterwards, I went to the Spanish class in the evening. Probably I won't be going to the classes for the next three weeks, thanks to the awful Selection tests!

Another episode was the trip with Sohom Da and his friend Uma to the gift shop. When I heard Nilanjana's bitching around, I remembered Ayantika. Lots to say, if I start on it. Maybe sometime later. Anyway, the bubble-maker that I'd bought for Gudiya, couldn't be given to her due to some unfortunate unavoidable circumstances. I gifted it to Sohom Da. It made sense. He'd crossed that "level" of this pseudo-friendship, which made him eligible to receive something as special as a bubble-maker. Maybe. Maybe not. I dunno. Disha, Payal, Sritama, Tiyash, Sohom Da, Deshraj, Puspen. My 'pseudo-family'. I can't find a single word to describe all of them. I dunno. I guess each of them, just play an unique and special role in my life. I can't call them friends, primarily because, none of them give me happiness, secondarily because, calling even one of them a friend, would be like over-insulting or over-appreciating the others. Concern is actually the only common feeling I feel for all of them. I guess each of them satisfy each of my personalities. But, given a chance to celebrate something such as Holi or good results, these would be the ones I'd ask over. That's how each of them is important.

Going back to Sohom Da's gift, when I gave him the envelpoe, he over-reacted. Then he calmed. Then he asked "Can I hug you?". I agreed, we hugged. Holding him felt like holding a piece of cardboard. Later, when he showed the package to Uma, I allowed him to open it. The happiest part of it, ironically, was that the bubble-maker bottle had opened, and all the soap-water had leaked out, wetting the wrapping etc. I told him that I'm feeling bad. It wasn't a lie. I felt bad because the sight convinced me that the bubble-maker still holds a meaning for me. It wasn't meant for Sohom Da. It was, and is, meant for US. Sohom da hugged me again. Same thought crossed my mind. Holding a piece of cardboard. I realised I should have written something more in the card I gave him. "Wish you more flesh this birthday..."

Anyway, Holi plans suspended. Payal semi-silent. Disha semi-expressive. Puspen semi-busy. Tiyash semi-stoic. Deshraj semi-home. Sritama semi-sad. Sohom semi-something. I re-re-realised that I want to celebrate Holi this time, especially when I had to tell the Spanish teacher today, that I have never ever been allowed to play Holi in my life. I want to do it with my friends, and not dad's friends, nor sons and daughters of dad's friends, for that matter!

Another news is that I tasted turtle meat this week. It was soft, and a slightly different taste from mutton. Later, I learnt that my better half is against the consumption of turtle-flesh. Even later, I learnt, that turtle flesh is legally banned!

I had a semi-starvation day today. All I had since morning is coffee. I had a few fuchkas sometime before the Spanish class, and two delicious pastries after it. That's all for the last 36+ hours. Tiyash has stopped envying my weight loss, she's sure people like me and Disha are losing weight too fast to be healthy anymore!

Apart from watching Pink Panther II (awful) and The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button (awesome), and SFI's victory at my college students' union elections, and my new musical crush on Ne-Yo's "Mad", and my new painting's aimlessness, there's just one more news left. A bad one, at that. I have realised and accepted that, I'm the one who's guilty of more mistakes (in context of the relationship in the recent past, which semi-tortures me all throughout, in the very present!).

Life is....tough, perpetually! Or, semi-tough rather...