Monday, November 23, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
I am talking sense though. I have dine what Neema and Disha wanted me to do. Stay away from you. That would be a guy-like thing to do. Fuck them. They told me that going on loving you was feminine. Fuck them. They themselves, would never had had the strength to do what I was doing you know. Fuck them. I don't want to do tis. You know that. The very sight of you is what I survive on. Don't ask me if I loved R as much as this. I didn't. But whatever was the amount of love was, I thought that was the maximum possible. Then you came, and I did more "out-of-my-way" things. But I didn't think that it was the maximum possible. Whatever I thought. Even you thought that ten years later, you picture yourself in my arms. Thoughts don't count. Feelings don't. Emotions don't. Words don't. SMS-es don't. Late night phone calls don't. Nothing counts. Love doesn't count too. So what if you love someone who doesn't love you anymore? So what if she left you because she got bored of you. After making eternal crappy promises. Promises are meant to be broken, you used to say. I remember that. I should have remembered that when you said you'll never leave me. 15th January 2008. Damn. No, I don't want to remember dates. I have stopped remembering dates. FUCK DATES. They are numbers. They don't matter. Like 21st December 2012 doesn't matter. I've decided. I have reached my tolerance limit. (Actually I haven't, you know. I can still go to any extent to see you smile)I feel slightly drunk now. I am making typing mistakes too. My legs were shaking after i logged of the chat to "show" that I'm angry. And I kept wanting to login back, and apologise. I had to drink that whisky to stop myself. Why am I writing to you? You won't react. You love him now. And I know why you don't want to tell him every truth about me. I won't write it here, don't worry. By the way, I don't think "baby" is shallow. When I am in bad mood, and I'm talking to you in my mind, I do refer to as baby at times. No more of you. I dunno if I'll stop smoking. I'm too much of an idealist. Moreover, I want to die soon. His coming into your life has proved for once and all, the exact cycle my life is gonna go through, forever. The same cycle. The same story. What I'll call history will keep repeating itself. No use living. I'm a burden on mankind. I'll smoke. I'll drink. I'll take drugs too. I don't have any hope anything good, because I don't deserve any good. HAHAHAHAHA!! I'll laugh now. I am laughing. Long since. YAAAY!! HAHAHAHA!
Thursday, November 19, 2009
What happened today, would be, in my usual boring words, "worse than before". Before I go into it, I should describe the previous couple of days. Proximity had over-powered Mission Pretension. I dunno if it was good or bad. Clearly, it was "good" for me. Having yourself unmasked (without any effort) is technically supposed to be good for one's psychology. What I dunno is, if its good for the future, for the "hope". Koushik Da pointed out in my previous post, that too much of confusion can cause permanent damage to the mind. Well, the confusion is inevitable, if not the damage!
Here I am, back, after more than 48 hours of having written the above paragraph. That awful day is still fresh, I can still make myself cry, reminding myself of the FACTS. But, I'm not shaking anymore, like I was the day before yesterday. Moreover, I don't think I'm allowed to write them. But I want to.
Okay, back to what I had referred to as a couple of good days, it's all the result of stealing. Stolen money, stolen happiness. It had been so good, that during the last few hours of the "couple of days", I had started being myself with her. I didn't know when and how she unmasked me. Crying to her seems so natural. Even if she is the only one who insults me every time she sees me crying, she is the only person with whom I'm comfortable crying!
Anyway, I didn't write anything that night, because, I thought, there wouldn't be much happening the next day, so I might as well postpone my blog. Moreover, I was exhausted. I watched 2012 against all my better judgements, and it made me prioritise on her even more. These kinds of movies do this thing more than any romantic movie!
Mashallah! The next day, right in the morning, I heard about the Taj-Together plan, and I put my mask back. I was feeling bad, sad and sick when I met Sayak. I tried to smile at him. But whenever he wasn't looking, I had trouble keeping a straight face. Next thing that happened, was running into them. Hoo. It was unplanned, and unintentional, especially because I was ill-informed about certain things. He talked to Sayak. She talked to Sayak. I tried to deep breathe. I failed. I bent down twice to calm my stomach. I failed. I shuffled my feet a bit, trying to calm my legs. I failed. I was scared that my face betrayed it all. (Later I came to know, it didn't!). She "felt", and "saw" my legs shaking violently. She laughed at it. I wanted to tell her that she is a sadist. I did. But, I kept thinking why she had laughed, and all the explanations that came to mind were positive ones. I can't really pen them down. But, if I was her friend, she wouldn't have laughed at my misery. She laughed, because she saw the amusing part only. She is indifferent to me and my miseries, probably. That's good. Indifference is better than the "friend" thing. I won't explain it anymore here.
Then, Sayak and me, went to my college. We were mostly quiet. I was trying my best to be OK. But my body has a mind of its own. When I am laughing, it makes my legs shake. When I'm having chocolates, it makes me want to vomit. Anyway, from Star Theatre, I boarded a tram with Sayak. I had to do it, after the turbulence that I was subjected to an hour ago. In the league of the things I have to do without her, it felt like a revenge. But, once Sayak and me were seated, and I looked out of the tram, I was bombed apart. I kept talking to her in my mind, I kept giving that imaginary her, all sorts of explanations like "Sayak wanted it, not me.", "Even you went for the launch ride", etc etc. I realised what I was doing, I wanted to cry. Then, I went to Dalhousie Square for the first time; i.e, the tram went, I saw it for the first time. I saw the Writers' Building and the lake before it, and all the palatial buildings around it. I thought it was beautiful. I didn't want to cry anymore, I was crying. I never wanted to do it. I never wanted to see anything beautiful without her. Yet she's making me do them. I have to see a lot of beautiful things without her. Oh, by the way, the news is that, I am neither going to Delhi, nor Mumbai, nor anywhere else. I don't have money enough. If, by any chance, I do get my hands on something, I'll flee, I swear.
A Coffee House disaster afterwards, I learnt that like "us", even Diya and Sayak's first movie together was Taare Zameen Par. I was reminded of the significance of the Enrique number Hero in their story. Similar to mine. I felt furious. I couldn't see any way how Diya could come back to Sayak. But she must return. There's too much of similarity between both the stories. Diya must return to Sayak, somehow.
Anyway, then I went to Disha's place, where Pupsen said that I looked drugged. I took his practicals and books, to do the diagrams that I had promised him a year ago. A sleepless night afterwards. Then, a sleep-ful morning. I had calmed down a lot by afternoon. Nothing much that day, except the late night chat with him, about her. When I say I am calm, it means I am numb. I feel nothing. I felt nothing.
Next day, an inpromptu-quiz. India Today Group's Inter College Business Quiz. It was held at Jyotirmoyee School Of Business at Sonarpur. We came third. I didn't feel anything then. I had gone "weak" once, when we had qualified for the final round. But, that wasn't weakness to my definition. Shauvik, my partner, called his father. Other people were calling their best friends or their parents. I had called her impulsively. She did't receive though. Anyway, as soon as the quiz was over, I left the place. I didn't wait for their free transportation back to Kolkata. Damn, I was in a village, in winter, I ought to enjoy it, and I can enjoy it only if I am alone! I travelled back home on my own, and travelled in a local train after nearly a year. It wasn't dark yet, and the train wasn't too crowded, in short, it was great. It reminded me of some Vivek Oberoi movie with a train scene in it. But, the name of Vivek Oberoi was about to spark reactions within, when I pushed aside all thoughts away, again.
The night was uneventful, even though I was at Disha's place, helping her give her Mom the birthday surprise at midnight. I was glad to see them happy, the three of them, but I didn't feel it rubbing off on me. I have become indifferent to them. Even Gublu, I have become indifferent to him too. Disha tried making me cry once, saying that I don't love her, I over-do the love thing, blah-blah. I managed to keep a straight face. But my voice was choked when I asked her for explanations.
I came back early morning, had a few intellectual discussions with father. Even that didn't excite me. I was supposed to go watch Kurbaan with Sayak. I couldn't. I had sworn that I won't watch anymore movies at theatres, because I am short of money. But, that's not the only reason behind not going to watch Kurbaan. I didn't want to watch Kurbaan with anyone. Then, I was supposed to take Sayak to LBC Fest, I have been promising him that since months. I didn't. I was incapable of doing it. He understood it. Because he has been through the exact phase. I slept, I had confusing dreams, I shivered in the 12o'clock sun, I was dazed. My head reeled for no reason, my migraine was back, awfully. My legs shook so badly that I couldn't even sit still. I had no track of the time or events around me. I was slightly better by evening. I went out, walked a kilometre. An important kilometre, at that. The stretch from South City to 8B. A damn important kilometre. I had to stop walking twice to stabilise my wobbly legs.
After that, I met the two of them. It wasn't unintentional this time. He made it happen. This time, he knew everything. He tested my acting skills, and I passed. I was at my best.
Coming back home, I read a bit of the book he gave me. I watched Chinese Coffeea bit. That movie is directed by Al Pacino himself. And after watching it, I respect him even more. I love the person more than the actor! Chinese Coffee's protagonist is so much like me. Except that he really has no money. The best similarity that comes to my mind, right now, looking around my own room, is Harry Levine's condition about being so used to living in a sunlight-less, small, cramped room, that he can never live in a large sunny room. He was a writer too, but with less of originality, and more of real-life inspiration, so much so, that his friend accused him of stealing his life. He shook badly when he was under stress. He loved a girl (with whom he had a relationship for a six and a half years), who left him long ago. The last similarity I'll mention here is what he told himself: "No matter what you do, how hard you try, how long you go at it, nothing good can ever, will ever, should ever happen for you."
Monday, November 16, 2009
The first paragraph describes EXACTLY what I had on my mind.
I had stopped reading others' blogs. But, the first few lines that appeared in the updates, attracted me.
Anyway, so the bad couple of days explain my absence here. No, I can't write all that happened. Before logging into my blog, I thought I didn't want to rite. Because it doesn't matter anyway. Whether I keep track of my fluctuating emotions, or not, it doesn't matter. Anyway, her voice to the aid, I'm so cheered now, that I want to write down everything. But I can't. Anyway, I respect her privacy.
It rained heavily today. Sayak and me finally watched a movie at the Kolkata Film Festival. Will watch one more with Amrita (a classmate) tomorrow. I walked from Dhakuria to Jadavpur with Sayak, getting wet to the skin. He kept talking. I kept thinking, and trying to cry. When I knew I would cry, few hours earlier, I kept a smile pasted on my lips, forcibly. And when I had the license to cry, damn, the lead ball stuck in my throat became obstinate. Torture, torture. I have to get drunk today. No, I don't need it. I am not in that bad a state today. I needed to get drunk on Saturday. But, I was so sick with lack of sleep and food (I went to a birthday party, mind you, but hardly touched any food.) I couldn't keep balance, I couldn't stand up straight without any support. I didn't have the energy to drink, though I had bought a 150ml bottle on my way back home. I knew it would be a tough day. But I had taken all the measures to ensure that I survive it. I didn't. Anyway, as I emphasise on my status messages everywhere: this wasn't the worst, worse is on its way.
Fluctuations persist. One moment, I'm virtually dead. I lose all my ability to think, to understand. This has been the most predominant feeling throughout today. Nothing matters. Nothing makes sense. Words like "sorry", and "Thank you" have stopped being magic words. They are just some sounds. Sounds don't make sense. Music don't sense. Movies don't make sense. What makes sense anyway? What matters, anyway?
Memories? Aah! Soon, someone else will have the same memories that I have. Even memories can be stolen, trust me. If she does all that she did with me, with him, doesn't he steal my memories as well? One moment I feel using the word "steal" is a crime. He didn't steal anything. He didn't take anything or anyone away from me. He needed just her permission, and she did give it. The next moment, mad with fury, I feel like accusing him of breach of protocol, accusing him of taking her away, taking the only good thing in my life away. What follows after the thought-swings is a feeling of numbness. As soon as I realise that what I think or feel doesn't matter, I stop thinking or feeling. And it doesn't matter, not because she doesn't care, but because I don't care. I fluctuate every milli-second. I am not constant. So why should I matter to myself?
Met a guy called Paras today. He's from the Computer Science Department of our college. I knew him by face, previously. But today, I got to know him. He's one cheerful, talkative, aggressive, idealist boy, who gives out positive vibes. I could feel them. Only that, my mind, absorbed in a pathetic solvent, couldn't absorb the vibes. I've become impervious to happiness. Everything that's happy and good hits me and deflects away.
I fluctuate even more because she does. She doesn't do it intentionally, or even consciously. One moment, she still cares for me, and the next moment she is indifferent to me. One moment, she just doesn't see me beside her. The next moment, she remembers that I was there. Damn. I am complaining about both. I don't want her to just care for me. I don't want to be a bother for her. If I say that I don't want her to be indifferent to me, that wouldn't be truth either. When she is indifferent to me, I suffer badly. But, a self-sadist that I am, I enjoy suffering. I feel better when she hurts me, than when she cares for me. I want her to hurt me, more and more. I remember those K-serials' cheesy dialogues. If you love someone, let her go. If she doesn't come back, she was never yours. No, fuck, that's not the point. The point is, if she comes back. And if she comes back, well, my favourite dialogue from Kumkum "Love is like a yo-yo. The farther you go, the greater force you'll come back with."
That's why I want her to torture me. Pathetic, aint' I? I'm still hoping that she'll come back. Damn. I don't know what to do, what to think. I tried falling in love back with my previous ex. It succeeded for a moment. Then, it all seemed so meaningless. All those "this is just a phase" consolations came back, confusing me even more. No, confusion would have been better. I am not confused. To be confused means to have two contradictory thoughts. Yeah, I do have contradictory thoughts, sometimes, but most of the times, I don't have any thoughts at all. My brain stop working, stop perceiving or understanding or even acting in response. And the rest of the times, I have more than two contradictory thoughts. Let's take the moment when they embraced. You won't believe how many things came to my mind at the same time!
"Will she hug me next?"
"Will I clap?"
"Will I just walk away?"
"will I look at them and make a sad face?"
"Will I smile?"
"Will she tell me something next?"
"Will he ask her to hug me too?"
By the time I decided that I would say something in appreciation, my throat had gone all dry, till it's innermost region. And I didn't get water when I asked for it. The moment passed away as SLOWLY as it happened. They left, I came back home. Numb, numb. I have to keep myself immersed in books, not movies. Books offer long-term distractions, unlike 3-hour movies.
I don't know what will happen next. I won't lose my sanity, not yet. But I might lose it soon. I am fluctuating badly between hope and despair, happiness and agony. From tomorrow onwards, I lose one more rope to hold on to. I could have had it, though. I don't feel I made a sacrifice for them. I feel selfish, because I know that I want to be hurt, because getting hurt gives me pleasure. I asked her to sacrifice one of the last bits of me left with her, because I want to get the pleasure. The pleasure out of the pain. I dunno anything. I am numb now, so I can't even cry. Let's see. I have to try to drink. Maybe that'll help me cry. Maybe that'll help me feel what I'm not letting myself feel.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Done with the exams today. I did my best. I know I could have done better, but given the circumstances, it was pretty good. Thanks to all those who forced me to go for the exam when I was determined I won't!
Since the last two days I'm receiving a lot of love from Disha's mom. I know this is temporary. But I have to make use of it, till it's there. I have to use it to cheer myself up.
With all the birthdays coming and going, I'll have something to keep myself busy with, for quite sometime now. I overate last night at Jojo Da's birthday family party. And today, I didn't have anything all day. Compensated, I guess.
I dunno if I'll finally make it to a single movie at the Kolkata Film Festival. Hoping for some time next year, or the next! Hope again!
Anyway, one thing's confirmed, I'm watching 2012 alone. Also Tum Mile, which I never thought I'd watch (especially after the disasters the Bhatt family has been producing over the last few years). But I will. Back to my movie self again. No resolutions anymore. I can spend as much money as I want on my desires. Secondary desires, that is!
Praying for Puspen's recovery. He looks pretty awful, and that makes me feel awful as well.
I have all the Wong Kar Woi movies downloaded. Next, Akira Kurosawa. And Al Pacino will be my relief breaks! I love the man. Just saw a few scenes of Chinese Coffee. It is an under-rated movie, but supposed to be Pacino's 2nd best performance after The Godfather-s!
A lot of books on my way too...Chetan Bhagat's Two States (will start that tonight itself). Then Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead. Then Hilary Clinton's Living History. More to come. Till my results are out, I have to finish all that I wanted to do this year.
Delhi seems to have taken control of my dreams, or rather nightmares. I have a bad dream whenever I go to sleep. I never experienced this kind of a thing before. That chain of nightmares at Durgapur, to start with...till today morning. I can't stop them, like I can't start my food habits all over again. But I'll manage. The toughest is yet to come. 19th-23rd December. I have no plan of action yet. One thing's good, I didn't get drunk any of these days yet! I wanted to, every night. But I didn't!
Anyway, I'll see what happens. I'll fight my emotions till they consume me. I'm not doing too bad right now. Except for one outburst.
I dunno. I just don't know. It's best I just stop my brain's functioning for sometime. Just enter a nitrogen freezer, and freeze myself, and all my metabolic functions till she gets married. I can allow my brain to start functioning after that, I guess. I dunno. I told you, I'm still not over the fluctuations. Right now, I'm feeling angry and sad at the same time. I was feeling happy a while ago, when I started writing this post. I'll stop before I blurt out unnecessary details.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
I have an exam tomorrow, another exam day after tomorrow. Kolkata Film Festival has already started from today. So, right when my exam is over, I'll devote myself to it.
Last night, I had severe mood swings again. One moment I was super-excited (with all the birthday planning) and the next moment I was super-depressed (with all the birthday plannings seeming meaningless and aimless).
Today, I kept myself busy again. It's not that I didn't cry. I had cried while watching Jail, but at completely un-emotional scenes, unlike my other companions. I had cried a number of other times too. And thankfully, the person whom I used to hate for reading my face few weeks ago, has lost her ability to read my face!
Anyway, I just had a shock (while typing this blog). I dunno if I can study. The awful shivering is back. But I can't write anything anymore. For a long time to come.
Monday, November 9, 2009
When I missed the station Girish Park, thanks to my silent monologues, I decided to walk upto college from Sovabazaar. I did. The weather was pleasant, and I didn't sweat much. When I entered the college, I saw the notice boards advertising a lot of cultural events coming up. Silent monologues again, I entered the hall. Met Sunanda from Hem Sheela. I crossed the hall, my feet asking to stop every minute. Below the staircase, I saw a few of my classmates standing, him among them. I was filled with both anger and pain at the same time. I hurried upstairs, avoiding eye-contact with anyone. Once upstairs, I looked around me, and not seeing any familiar faces, I tried to cry, and let it out. My eyes had squeezed and opened to find two of my classmates arriving. More poured in. My throat stuck, I tired making vague smiles with my facial muscles. A guy came and punched me in the stomach, and asked me "ki khobor?" (what's the news?). I replied that my tummy-line is increasing, and smiled with closed eyes.
I sat in the first bench (as usual). I remembered how I used to enjoy sitting in the last bench till 12; you could get the view of the whole class, what everyone's doing and all, from the last bench.
He came in; I saw it with the corner of my eyes. I tried to focus on the diary in front of me. The white and red design: ACC. I opened the last pages, and began reading the poems there. Three of them. After a while, he called me and asked me to go and sit on the bench before him and his gang. I had still not recovered. I asked a violent "Kyun?". He gestured something that meant "okay, be there". That started the process, I was calming down. Then Neema called me. I stared at her for one whole minute. Her eyes. Ok, I told her I have a crush on her, so I must obey her, I thought. I don't know if I have a crush on her. I like her looks, and when she talks to me in person, I feel different, because I can't help thinking that SHE knows everything. Damn, she knows everything. Anyway, I took my bag and notebook, and went to that bench. The view was awkward. The five rows in front of me were empty. As if the whole class was behind me, and even the teacher would come and stand behind us, and we would have to turn around soon. It was very, very awkward for a permanent first-bencher like me. I turned around and told Neema that the view is awkward, and she replied that, that's how the class always looks, and everyone sits at the back.
I was calming down. I opened a blank page, and tried to think of some poem. Then I turned back a few more pages, and I heard his voice behind me, reading the stuff on the page open. I turned round at him. I was calming down. I could make it. I'm not sure where I was looking, when he said that he forgot to bring my lighter. I was furious. He said sorry. That made me even more furious. Thoughts ran around like mice inside my head. I remembered that she said she'll kill me (she had said quite seriously) if I teach him to smoke. I felt like telling her that I'll kill him if I don't do well in the exam, because I was supposed to study today morning; I came to college only because of the lighter. I also imagined other implications of the "sorry". The breach of protocol that he is indulging in, by falling in love with her, and all that. Puspen came to my mind ("breach of protocol" is Puspen's remark, mind you). I tried to think like Puspen. Ok, I am strong, I am stoic, I don't have feelings. You can't kill my heart, because I don't have a heart. I am impervious to sorrow and happiness. That helped in calming me down instantly. I remembered Dada, and imagined that he would be proud of me today.
The class started. I couldn't concentrate. But, never mind, I was not feeling bad. Afterwards, I did talk to him a lot. I talked to his friends, I talked to other classmates, I talked to Shauvik (wait for the Aadhya story), I talked to her ex-classmate too, and told her about HIM & HER, and introduced them to each other, saw him blushing at the mention of her name, talked to HIM about her, and about things other than her, perfectly normally, fake-smiling all the time. By the time I was leaving college, Mission Pretension was so successful that when I told myself "Okay, the acting is over, you can be yourself now.", I found it difficult to take the fake smile off my face; so well it was pasted!
I told Disha how his being so good with me makes things worse, how his concern for my "smiling", my studies etc, make matters worse. If he would have been a bad person, things would have been better. But sadly, he's very good, or rather he's the best.
Anyway, then I was on my way to South City, to try and gift-shop. I changed my mind and took the train back. I went to New Market to buy a nose pin from Chamba Lama and a brass chain for my pet dog from Simpark Mall. Chamba Lama people told me there won't be any nose-pins till Sunday. And Simpark Mall, as I found out, remains closed on Mondays. I had a good conversation with Payal, and that helped me clear my mind about the impending gift shopping to be done. Half-prepared, I came back home. I can't write anything more, I have to talk him and her to give the final touches to my plans. And if I write it here, she might just read it and the surprise would be gone.
I didn't sleep much last night. So, I'll try and sleep now.
He told me he'll give me his notes on the Gender Issues and Development thing. (told you, he's just too good!)So, I can have that thing off my mind.
The outcome of whatever's happening has both good and bad to it.
Good ones first:
1. He's the incentive to my going to college.
2. I've got someone to talk to at college. I hope, my "go alone-sit alone-leave alone" days are over.
3. I was praying for change, because I was fed up of the stagnant state of our relationship. Here's the change I exactly wanted!
Nevertheless, bad ones:
1. I don't have a single soul on earth whom I can tell EVERYTHING, truthfully. I have to wear a mask all day, everyday, everywhere, with everyone. Even the ones who know everything (like Disha and Neema) can't influence me to be myself, and as I realised the first day this started, I am pretending to happy with them too! I just tell them the facts, but I say everything with a chuckle. Puspen and Sayak can be called exceptions. I can be myself with them, but I hardly meet them, and if I am with any of them it means I'm busy trying to keep myself busy, so no depressing talk! Puspen is different than Sayak. He's more like my strength, than a friend. God-father ho toh aisa! :)
2. Its a continuation of the first point. I don't have an inspiration anymore, no one to tell me what to do, when to do, how to do. I don't have anyone who'll get angry one me!
3. I can hardly have any solid food anymore, without excreting it out (in any form) within no time.
No more bragging about it. Whatever happens, happens for the best. And I am quite okay now. I hate to admit why I'm okay, when I'm okay, but well, it's the unbreakable faith that destiny will be in my favor. Even though, "destiny" above all things have been against me all these days, I still hope it's just a phase. Everything will be ok. So why waste time sulking?
I'll go to sleep now, and try to study when I wake up.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Sritama had called, yeah, and now I'm feeling numb again. And feeling NUMB is 10 times better than feeling BAD. I'm still having a lump in the throat, but I'm calm. The thing, that I was thinking on the way back home today, is that if I have ever had any dream , it was to have a sad death. I remember Aavriti had once asked me my secret dream, and I had told her that I wanted to be on an island, all alone, like Robinson Crusoe. There should be white sands and dark blue sea, but I should be alone. So that I am sad, and things are better and more beautiful when you are sad. Like sad songs are mostly the best kind of music. I want to be sad. So now that I am sad, I should be happy. I should be glad that whatever's happening, is happening.
Sritama and Shauvik's stories are their private things, which I won't mention. Anyway, Shauvik said he's committed with Aadhya, she's the girl from Ahmedabad whom I liked! The other girl Disha was friendlier, so Aadhya seemed more attractive. Anyway, nothing matters. Even Tashi's missed calls don't matter really.
I told Sritama that I really want to go to Delhi, so if my results are out, and not too bad, I'll be in Delhi in the first week of December. I will spend at least one moment of my birthday in front of the India Gate. She said that would be great, and I shouldn't worry about the excuses, because her college fest is around that time! Let's see if I have the mood or the money! I once nearly cried while talking to her about Delhi, but I made it up. She was asking me if I would mind if she was with me on my birthday, and I said a genuine yes. I cried, remembering my previous birthday, and the previous plans for this year's birthday. The chocolate cake, etc. Sritama didn't suspect that I'm close to tears (my acting skills are slowly improving, but I had to tell her to make her believe that I genuinely want her to be there. I know I don't feel anything for Sritama, but she means a damn lot to me.
I was talking to Oxy today morning. Oh, won't refer to her as Oxy anymore. That was the name WE used to use. Oindrilla Mitra. The girl whom Apurva from USA had sort or "referred to me". I know I make it sound like a project. But when you can't get your ex out of your mind, dating other girls is impossible, and unless I make it sound like a project, it won't work. Anyway, Oindrilla, alias Gul, is a very nice person. I haven't met her yet, and I'm in no hurry. I like talking to her. It doesn't mean that I feel like talking to her all the time, or that I miss her when I'm not talking to her. I just send her texts once in a while, and she replies, and our textual chats are not boring. Anyway, we made this deal that she'd talk in Bengali, and me in Hindi (to develop our respective linguistic skills). After a while, both of us were exhausted from the effort! It was nice, it made me smile for sometime. Anyway, I've got some idea about where Princep Ghat is, so now, I can go to meet Gul there, when she goes for horse-riding early dawn. That's because she has an immense academic pressure, and she can't manage to meet me otherwise.
Saugata had called, and mocked me about complaining that I don't have a girlfriend, when I have someone whom I talk to every night. I told him that things have changed after I returned from Delhi, and I'll tell him the details when we meet for the theatre thing on Friday.
I want to ask Picco to come today, but I have to study; I have already wasted the whole day again! It's difficult, but not impossible!
I can't even write what happened all day today. Anyway, compared to other Sundays of my Kolkata life, today was better. Technically speaking, of course. I wouldn't be feeling violent if nothing bad happened.
Anyway, Sritama called. Bye.
Anyway, I had a chain of nightmares again. It involved all the people who were with me in Delhi. I remember one distinctly, in which we had to change our thoughts from one topic to another, to save our lives. We were trapped somewhere, and whoever thought abut one single thing for more than ten seconds, just died on the spot. The next dream had Ramit (someone from Durgapur) in it. He was bewitching people into some wicked world with a red gazing lamp. Guess it's the Farmville thing. Anyway, there were more. Considering that I went to sleep after 2am, when the alarm rang at 6am, I found myself already awake. Anyway, one song to the aid, I studied three pages. Then I logged into Orkut, and saw Sayantanee's Shekhar's photos on Somopriya's album. Called Sayantanee, scrapped Somopriya. What followed is another NITian's love-mess. He was double-timing, givng more prefernce to Somopriya, of course, but being unfaithful to her as well. I guess the two girls are meeting up today, and Shekhar's gonna kill me!
Anyway, I downloaded all the F-3 songs. But, haven't managed to listen to them again. I told you, I'm partially anti-music right now. Anyway, I discovered a song today, I told her, and she stole it. But it's more idiotic than sad. The lyrics of the song make sense only to ME!
Anyway, Disha called and requested me to stay at her home for a few days, because she can't study. I don't think I'll be able to study if I go there, but I've gotta make a few sacrifices, to get a few sacrifices in return, right? Let's see, it's not evening yet.
She'll give me access to the internet all 24 hours, so no worries, really.
I typed a Memorandum of Understanding for dad today, it was fun (the feeling of being a grown-up and all)
Back to Farmville now. :)
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Two of my previous posts have been deleted, and I can't re-type it all unless I find out WHY. Anyway, Mission Pretension has an important accessory to it. To make myself do all the things I never imagined I'd do without her. It started off with the going to Star Theatre with Sayak, and today, Victoria Memorial with Puspen. It would have been better if I went with some girl, but for me, what matters is with or without her. The company in the latter case doesn't matter. It didn't matter when I went to IMAX. Nor the launch ride on Ganges. It was similar. Anyway, I want to tell something more about the IMAX experience (note the pun), but I'm not sure if I am allowed to.
The day started off well, after some good sleep, after a long time. I didn't do anything productive though, I mean studies. I went to Victoria, and found it to the most un-romantic place on earth. I didn't enjoy the museum too. I guess anyone who knows history well enough won't enjoy it, because everything is an illustration of what I already knew. Sat on a bench afterwards and discussed movies with Puspen. He put a very difficult question to me. "According to you, which is the best Bollywood movie of 2009?" If he hadn't added "according to you" I would have easily answered Dev-D, from the critic's point of view; the film critic within me. But, the movie that's closer to my heart is Love Aaj Kal, it brought me close to tears, no other movie did. DevD was awesome, but I couldn't really relate to Dev! Same with Farhan Akhtar in Luck By Chance, or Shahid Kapoor in Kaminey, or Sid in Wake up Sid. And there haven't been any low-budget good movies like Dasvidanya or Khosla ka Ghosla this year. Or maybe, there was, but I don't remember much. I was more inclined towards my own home collection than the theatres this year. I had made a new year resoultion after all, that I won't waste money on anything other than her, and that included watching movies without her. Dil Bole Hadippa and Blue Oranges (low-budget, yeah) weren't upto the mark. Kambaqt Ishq and Chadni Chowk To China would rather not be considered movies in the first place. They were insults to the concept of film-making. Main Aur Mrs. Khanna was a good entertainer, period. Acid Factory was entertaining too, I don't need good stories in action movies, if the action sequences are good. Same with Blue; the camera work was awesome, but there were flaws in it. Even Love Aaj Kal had flaws, but not Dev-D!
Anyway, the Kolkata Film Festival is coming. And this year, I don't any reservations about going with or without her. She has made it clear, that she is not interested in watching documentaries. She has made it even clearer, that she'd rather go to a movie with her friends or him, than with me. And in any case, I enjoy watching movies alone, so I shouldn't feel bad about it. I have to get excited about it. Let's see if I can get a Delegate Pass.
Other important things would include the arrival of the birthday season. Lots of birthdays this month, so lots of gift shopping to be done. Last year, was the first year of my having friends, hence the first year of my having to buy gifts for someone's birthday. I had given everyone a book, matching his or her taste. But, till now, none of them have read it. So, no books this time. That makes it tougher for me, because when it comes to shopping, I am not good at buying anything other than books. When I go to buy other things, I lose my sense of good and bad, and end up buying the wrong stuff, most of the time. Let's see. After my exam ends on Thursday, I'll go shopping...till Friday night.
I was in the mood for studying today evening, but first Disha (who's going through the worst phase in her life, I think) and then Payal called and now, the internet connection is back, so I wasted tonight as well. I think I'll ask Picco not to come tonight, so that I can study now.
Oh, and yeah, I had some food finally. A Green Lays 20 bucks ka packet. The girls from Bhutan had gifted it to me at Delhi. I haven't vomitted it out yet. I hope I'm fine now. And oh, I'm not entirely anti-music now. I'm tapping my feet to the tunes of two songs all day. One Hindi, one English. Not bad, eh? I'm recovering fast! Mission Pretension, Jai Ho!
Tashi (from Bhutan, and my crush at Delhi), have been giving missed calls, which I've been returning. I guess after the exams, I'll call her once.
One last prayer, Dear Results, please come out soon! The delay is irritating me.
Did I miss out anything? Oh yeah, Disha's bad phase. But, since she herself doesn't know the reasons behind it, I don't know what to write. In my words, this is the first time when I asked her "Don't you love Puspen more than anyone else?", she replied, "Give me some time to think.". No matter who she is going out with, who she's going to bed with, whenever I have asked this question to her, she had always replied Yes without a thought. Not that I'm scared my god-parents might break up. Because, even amidst all the trauma, she said she needs Puspen with her. I'm just scared that she's not okay. She's ill. I dunno what to do. This is the first time, I dunno how to help someone.
Oh, I had a strange dream today. It was about her, as usual, but I wasn't physically present in it. She was with some friends, whose faces I don't remember. Then, she told everyone that she wanted to call Arijit Kundu, and then she called me (somehow, I'm not with her, but I can see her). When I received her call, she asked "Kundu??". I replied "Yeah, bol". I was aware that she was making a mistake, but I didn't want to tell her, because I wanted to know what she had to tell Kundu. (Even in dreams, I am wicked). Then, the line got disconnected. I kept saying "Hello? Hello?" till I woke up!
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Other things include my expenditures today. A lot of unnecessary ones, but unavoidable ones too! I don't have a clue about what I'm gonna do. I wish this exam didn't loom overhead. Hardly 3 days to go, and I'm still not familiar with the syllabus! Forget what to study, and from where to study. I'll need to keep blogging though, as I haven't got anywhere else to dump it all. I'm posting this NOW, because she isn't over the phone. Anyway, I'll try to sleep. I smoked more than 40 cigarettes yesterday, but hardly 15 today. I need to go to college tomorrow, so I'll smoke even less tomorrow I guess. Let's see what happens...even I'm going with the flow, Sayak!
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
I'm pretending, because I have to. I don't wanna ruin the best thing that's happening to her in over a year (second best, next to me). Now that, she is in love with someone whom she can easily introduce to her family and her friends, I should be at my best. That's something I couldn't give her, even if she did love me. So I should not show what I'm going through and ruin it for her. A friend of mine told me yesterday that a person is made to suffer only as much as he is capable of suffering. Looked from that point of view, I can suffer this much, especially because I have been through this one before. Not exactly similar, but yeah. The girl falls in love with another guy, and still needs you as a friend, knowing that you love her to. I have been through this. And whoever said history repeats itself, was more right than he knew!
SO, this business of pretending to be happy, involves a basic lie. "Pretension" is itself a lie. And, to the level that I take it to, for my own selfish needs, it ends up having a few accessory lies to it too. What I mean is that I'm not just pretending to be happy, I'm saying a few more lies too. Not that I enjoy lying them, but then I tell myself that these are the sacrifices I've gotta make to keep her happy. If I tell her the truth, she'll make sure that it doesn't happen anymore, and that's gonna trouble me even more, and threaten my ability of pretending being happy! So, I need to lie to her, for the time being, for her happiness. Sounds like those K-serial husbands, I know. But I can't help it. I'm already scared that I won't be able to hold out too long. I mean, blurting out the truth comes spontaneously when I'm talking to her. I'm so used to telling her every truth, I'm so used to not lying to her ever, that I'm scared I'll fail. But I'm hoping that I'll be strong. Let's see. Destiny always has different plans, no matter how much I want to believe that I make my own destiny.
And, leaving apart the question of her happiness, my own very selfish need is that I need that "hope". I need to have the hope on which I survive. And, I want to believe that I still have it. And to make sure that I still have it, I'm looking for things where I have an advantage over him... I actually don't have any advantage over him. She feels pretty damn committed to him. But it's another pretension, this time to my very own self, I guess, that I still have advantages over him. And to help me pretend this to myself, I have to lie to her too!
I dunno why I wrote such aimless stuff. I will go and break my morning fast now. The lump in the throat is back.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Now, the bad thing is, I'm still hoping! I'm pathetic, right? Like Picco mocked me about "following a girl for a year, when she still doesn't respond". But man, she was in a relationship with me for a few months. And well, there are a lot more things, if seen from my point of view. Forget it. Sadly, I'm not a robot. And to Picco and his likes, you won't understand how hopeless love can be. Not yet. Wait till you fall in the gadda yourself!
Anyway, I ought to have written about one more thing here. One night. But, I didn't, and I won't, because it was the WORST thing that ever happened to me. One night, that made me feel like, in Sayak's words: "I'm going insane". I seriously thought I would need to go to an asylum. Anyway, I wish I could write about it, but then there are three reasons why I won't. Number One: It's censored, both by our Government and HER. Number Two: It's too late. A new chapter has just begun. Number Three: The reason why I didn't write it right when it happened is that the very thought of it hurt me, the very memory of it took the breath out of my lungs. I just couldn't have written something I was (and am) trying to erase from my memory. Just for the sake of this e-diary, I'll mention the date. 9th October. That's the beautiful date, sorry. The date when the beauty was scratched away is 16th October. All 2009. I don't worry about the year. I usually remember years well enough. Anyway, things have been getting uglier from ugly, so I just stopped posting my private life here.
Other things worth mentioning would be my Delhi trip. My first venture outside the state, without parents. Should have been damn exctiing, but no, I was missing her so badly that I cried at least once everyday. Anyway, about that, there are more jhatkas to come. I can't even talk about them. I'm not allowed to. Fucking permissions. If I am not in a relationship with you, I won't obey you, ok? And I don't care what people think of you. Or anyone. Anyway, I already have a lump in my throat. Will elaborate on the Delhi trip later.
For one thing, I can't do almost anything now. I am hungry, I take the biscuit in my hand, and then, the very thought of putting it in mouth feels nauseating. I put it back. Forget sleep. I used to believe that I can sleep off dissapoinments! And now, well, even when my eyes are burning, and I'm dead tired, I can't sleep in peace for more than 20 minutes. Fuck. And studies? Don't remind me that I have an exam coming up in a week. All that seems immaterial. Kyaa karoon padhai karke? Good results? Kyaa karoon good results leke?. Now, she's bothered about his studies, not mine. Ok, forget her. Parents. Well, no matter how well I do, they'll say I could have done better. And no matter how bad I do, they'll still love me! So why study? No, I'm not being a pessimist. I am going through a bad phase, that's all. A bad phase since a year. Damn, man. I'm pathetic. About going to college, I realised I haven't got the strength anymore. That's why I took the SWOT test again today. She's still my strength, and I have lost my strength, I've lost the voice that told me every morning that I should go to college. Now that voice will tell the same thing to him. Oh well, he's my classmate. I need to ask Sayak, if he ever saw HIM!
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Blisspoint. That’s the name of an annual economics summit at the
Me, Shauvik of my class, and Saugata from
We were taken to the International Youth Hostel at Chanakya Puri by Rishi, where we bought our accommodation-cum-food for the next four days with a meager 400 bucks. Not to mention that all our transportation costs were being borne by
The next day, we were taken to the college, from the hostel in plush Tata Innova cars. The event was kick started by the inaugural speeches of some Economics-Eminent people from the
Lunch was buffet, and food was quite ok. We left the college premises, and went shopping with Praveen from Secundrabad, and three people from
On 28th October, we had the interesting most event of the fest, Model United Nations. I was representing
I missed participating in the Economic Quest event, though I had prepared a presentation from home for the same. But it came of some use, since I lent it to my Bhutanese friends, who had qualified for the first round. Other events that day were the Panel Discussion by DU professors. The most interesting speech was that of the NREGA Act.
Later that day, we went to the North campus of the
On 29th October, we attended a movie screening by the Greenpeace environmental agency. The name of the movie was “The Age Of Stupid”; it was a documentary based on climate change. My friends left it mid-way, but it had glued me to the screen. The facts like that of the Shell Company robbing
Then we had the event Ad-Mad, whose tagline was “You have to be mad to make our ads!” Products like color-changing shampoos, vodka-flavored milk etc were given. I got photographic memory lenses. I still don’t know how I could have done it better, but out of the 40 teams that competed, I wasn’t selected for the top 8. I agree I wasn’t mad enough!
After that, Shauvik was with the
That was followed by a banquet dinner, whose dessert consisted of the best chocolate brownie I ever tasted! We were given Blisspoint t-shirts, certificates and medals after the dinner. Few of us went back to the hostel; others went to Smriti Iyer’s house (the president of the Economics Association of Venky) for a “party”. I don’t regret missing it as I heard, later, that the alcohol provided was too less!
On 30th morning, we checked out of the hostel. I met another friend of mine, and all of us together had lunch at McD’s at CP. Then Saugata and I boarded the train back to Kolkata, at 4:20pm. Shauvik said he’ll go to
Blisspoint 2009 is certainly one of the best things that have happened to me in a long time!