The arrogant, over-confident, and nearly dishonest self is back. I wrote in my Orkut "about me" that I'm back where I was six years ago. But I didn't mention the vices that I had six years ago. But then, I'm not feeling bad that the vices are back. In fact, who said that I'm happy to be back to six years ago? No, I'm not happy. But, I can't afford to be sad. Whatever's happening, is what I've often wanted to happen, unconsciously or sub-consciously, but I've wanted it a number of times, and I did allow it to happen, and I did, of course, make it happen, to some extent, even though divine interventions made it look as if it was destined to happen. Actually, till 24 hours ago, I was suffering pretty much. But finally the pretense (not just to her, but EVERYONE) of not suffering has rubbed off on me, and I need less than half a second to swallow my tears. I'm being cheesily cheerful, even when I'm all alone. Laughing at every silly thing and all. One thing I can't stop, is smoking, more than ever. Nicotine, when I brought it into my life, was meant to be a substitute. A substitute for the strength. I didn't need a substitute more than today, ever before. And though it's completely my illusion, I know, I feel that the more I smoke, the more I can pretend!
I'm pretending, because I have to. I don't wanna ruin the best thing that's happening to her in over a year (second best, next to me). Now that, she is in love with someone whom she can easily introduce to her family and her friends, I should be at my best. That's something I couldn't give her, even if she did love me. So I should not show what I'm going through and ruin it for her. A friend of mine told me yesterday that a person is made to suffer only as much as he is capable of suffering. Looked from that point of view, I can suffer this much, especially because I have been through this one before. Not exactly similar, but yeah. The girl falls in love with another guy, and still needs you as a friend, knowing that you love her to. I have been through this. And whoever said history repeats itself, was more right than he knew!
SO, this business of pretending to be happy, involves a basic lie. "Pretension" is itself a lie. And, to the level that I take it to, for my own selfish needs, it ends up having a few accessory lies to it too. What I mean is that I'm not just pretending to be happy, I'm saying a few more lies too. Not that I enjoy lying them, but then I tell myself that these are the sacrifices I've gotta make to keep her happy. If I tell her the truth, she'll make sure that it doesn't happen anymore, and that's gonna trouble me even more, and threaten my ability of pretending being happy! So, I need to lie to her, for the time being, for her happiness. Sounds like those K-serial husbands, I know. But I can't help it. I'm already scared that I won't be able to hold out too long. I mean, blurting out the truth comes spontaneously when I'm talking to her. I'm so used to telling her every truth, I'm so used to not lying to her ever, that I'm scared I'll fail. But I'm hoping that I'll be strong. Let's see. Destiny always has different plans, no matter how much I want to believe that I make my own destiny.
And, leaving apart the question of her happiness, my own very selfish need is that I need that "hope". I need to have the hope on which I survive. And, I want to believe that I still have it. And to make sure that I still have it, I'm looking for things where I have an advantage over him... I actually don't have any advantage over him. She feels pretty damn committed to him. But it's another pretension, this time to my very own self, I guess, that I still have advantages over him. And to help me pretend this to myself, I have to lie to her too!
I dunno why I wrote such aimless stuff. I will go and break my morning fast now. The lump in the throat is back.
My daughter and Brigadier Gerard
10 hours ago