That's a psychoanalytical test Sayak taught me. Oh, gotta introduce Sayak here. A new friend. It was strange how we became friends. Sorrow united us, best said. His girl left him, and well, my girl had left me long ago, and I couldn't help remembering that both he and me had started dating our respective ex-girlfriends, at the same time, same place. Moreover, there were feelings that he talked about, that I have been through in the past. There are feelings he talked about that I am experiencing at present! Anyway, so back to this S.W.O.T. analysis. S for Strength, W for Weakness, O for Opportunity, and T for Threat. You should do a S.W.O.T. analysis frequently, so that you get to know yourself better, that's what Sayak learnt at Noida! Anyway, the first time I did it, my results were positive. Strength: Self-control. Weakness: Love. Opportunity: College. Threat: Anger. The second time I did it, a few weeks ago, the Strength thing was a person...I don't remember the rest. I'm telling you this because my Strength has left me. She has, finally, stopped having me as the only guy around and all. She is finally in love, in genuine love, mind you (I know all the symptoms)with some other guy. And you know what's worse? If I had to marry her off, this guy is exactly the one I'd be looking for. He's perfect for her. I hope she's perfect for him too. Anyway, that's good news, if I look at it this way: the fact that she wasn't with someone else, helped me to keep hoping that she'll come back. Now that it's changed, I should be able to get over her sooner. Wish I was a robot, man!! Just click on a tab "Stop Hoping", and be done with it.
Now, the bad thing is, I'm still hoping! I'm pathetic, right? Like Picco mocked me about "following a girl for a year, when she still doesn't respond". But man, she was in a relationship with me for a few months. And well, there are a lot more things, if seen from my point of view. Forget it. Sadly, I'm not a robot. And to Picco and his likes, you won't understand how hopeless love can be. Not yet. Wait till you fall in the gadda yourself!
Anyway, I ought to have written about one more thing here. One night. But, I didn't, and I won't, because it was the WORST thing that ever happened to me. One night, that made me feel like, in Sayak's words: "I'm going insane". I seriously thought I would need to go to an asylum. Anyway, I wish I could write about it, but then there are three reasons why I won't. Number One: It's censored, both by our Government and HER. Number Two: It's too late. A new chapter has just begun. Number Three: The reason why I didn't write it right when it happened is that the very thought of it hurt me, the very memory of it took the breath out of my lungs. I just couldn't have written something I was (and am) trying to erase from my memory. Just for the sake of this e-diary, I'll mention the date. 9th October. That's the beautiful date, sorry. The date when the beauty was scratched away is 16th October. All 2009. I don't worry about the year. I usually remember years well enough. Anyway, things have been getting uglier from ugly, so I just stopped posting my private life here.
Other things worth mentioning would be my Delhi trip. My first venture outside the state, without parents. Should have been damn exctiing, but no, I was missing her so badly that I cried at least once everyday. Anyway, about that, there are more jhatkas to come. I can't even talk about them. I'm not allowed to. Fucking permissions. If I am not in a relationship with you, I won't obey you, ok? And I don't care what people think of you. Or anyone. Anyway, I already have a lump in my throat. Will elaborate on the Delhi trip later.
For one thing, I can't do almost anything now. I am hungry, I take the biscuit in my hand, and then, the very thought of putting it in mouth feels nauseating. I put it back. Forget sleep. I used to believe that I can sleep off dissapoinments! And now, well, even when my eyes are burning, and I'm dead tired, I can't sleep in peace for more than 20 minutes. Fuck. And studies? Don't remind me that I have an exam coming up in a week. All that seems immaterial. Kyaa karoon padhai karke? Good results? Kyaa karoon good results leke?. Now, she's bothered about his studies, not mine. Ok, forget her. Parents. Well, no matter how well I do, they'll say I could have done better. And no matter how bad I do, they'll still love me! So why study? No, I'm not being a pessimist. I am going through a bad phase, that's all. A bad phase since a year. Damn, man. I'm pathetic. About going to college, I realised I haven't got the strength anymore. That's why I took the SWOT test again today. She's still my strength, and I have lost my strength, I've lost the voice that told me every morning that I should go to college. Now that voice will tell the same thing to him. Oh well, he's my classmate. I need to ask Sayak, if he ever saw HIM!
Sign of the times
1 week ago