Sunday, November 22, 2009


I ought to change my blog header. ASAP. Mission Pretension terminated. Crap. Another Mission started. Feels like that. I don't want to write anything. Because I don't want you, fucking you to read what's on my mind. Ok? It's just the same story all over again. He'll leave, and then break up, and then you'll come back. And now, of course you need me as a fucking friend. The silver ling: I'll realise that I never loved you. Of course. The crack. You are repeating R. Do whatever you want to. I've stopped living in my make-believe world. I know that I had mood swings when you were there. Now, there won't be any mood swings. One blank, long, uninterrupted stretch of uninterrupted depression. Crap. I don't love you. I don't feel that yet. But I will, after you come back. I have been through this before. I was being a fool, I was subjecting myself to my destiny (something I'm not used to doing. I make things happen). I won't have the same story repeat. I know I'll realise some day that I never love you. So right now, right away I must start telling myself that. I don't love you. I don't love you. Crap. I won't gain anything. Out of anything. Nothing good will ever happen to me. I don't need to have good things happening to me. I have had six months with you, and six years with R. They should be enough. I stop it right now. I don't need anyone. I don't need happiness. I don't need friends. In any case they are your friends. They call me yup and ask me about you. You and him. I don't need your friends. If I could live 17years of my life without friends, I can live 17 more years without friends too. I don't need to live any longer. My work will be done. I dunno what work I'm talking about. That doesn't matter. I'll figure that out. Th surgery, of course is secondary, as of now. I would have started saving money right away if I was so focussed. But Goddammit, I wasn't. You dare to point out that I didn't believe in "our money" concept? Don't you. After all this time, making me feel guilty is the last thing you have the right to. Why am I talking to you? You're over. You're gone. And I don't care. I have to be stoic. You're gone. No more of you. You're in some other college, studying some other subject; I don't need to be in touch with you anymore than I need to be in touch with Dodan and Saheli. I don't love you. So I won't do what I do. What I have done all these fucking months. I will get drunk today. The bell has rung. Finally. You don't dare to ask me why I freaked out today, do you? Why did I stop pretending today? You were better off when I was pretending. You don't have the right to. You were the only person who had the right to. I don't give you the right anymore. You don't care now, do you? You'll say yeah, I know. But, I'm not taking it. I don't see any need t be good with you or him or anyone anymore. No Payal, no Disha, no Dehsraj or Sritama. Disha will be there, probably. I will be doing injustice to her, because she came in when R was there. But she wouldn't have persisted in my life, if you hadn't come. DAMN. IT'S ALL CRAP. EVERYTHING IS MEANINGLESS. I shouldn't be in touch with Sayak too. For me he's someone from HSMS, in section B. If not for you, I wouldn't have ever cared for Sayak, I wouldn't have ewer cared to find out the details. Fuck all of 'em. You wanted to learn slangs, right? You don;'t need to, you know. Anger can be expressed without slangs too. And as he pointed out,I specialise in expressions. I have to get my rid of you. I won't express anything more then. Yeah! I am feeling slightly tipsy.
I am talking sense though. I have dine what Neema and Disha wanted me to do. Stay away from you. That would be a guy-like thing to do. Fuck them. They told me that going on loving you was feminine. Fuck them. They themselves, would never had had the strength to do what I was doing you know. Fuck them. I don't want to do tis. You know that. The very sight of you is what I survive on. Don't ask me if I loved R as much as this. I didn't. But whatever was the amount of love was, I thought that was the maximum possible. Then you came, and I did more "out-of-my-way" things. But I didn't think that it was the maximum possible. Whatever I thought. Even you thought that ten years later, you picture yourself in my arms. Thoughts don't count. Feelings don't. Emotions don't. Words don't. SMS-es don't. Late night phone calls don't. Nothing counts. Love doesn't count too. So what if you love someone who doesn't love you anymore? So what if she left you because she got bored of you. After making eternal crappy promises. Promises are meant to be broken, you used to say. I remember that. I should have remembered that when you said you'll never leave me. 15th January 2008. Damn. No, I don't want to remember dates. I have stopped remembering dates. FUCK DATES. They are numbers. They don't matter. Like 21st December 2012 doesn't matter. I've decided. I have reached my tolerance limit. (Actually I haven't, you know. I can still go to any extent to see you smile)I feel slightly drunk now. I am making typing mistakes too. My legs were shaking after i logged of the chat to "show" that I'm angry. And I kept wanting to login back, and apologise. I had to drink that whisky to stop myself. Why am I writing to you? You won't react. You love him now. And I know why you don't want to tell him every truth about me. I won't write it here, don't worry. By the way, I don't think "baby" is shallow. When I am in bad mood, and I'm talking to you in my mind, I do refer to as baby at times. No more of you. I dunno if I'll stop smoking. I'm too much of an idealist. Moreover, I want to die soon. His coming into your life has proved for once and all, the exact cycle my life is gonna go through, forever. The same cycle. The same story. What I'll call history will keep repeating itself. No use living. I'm a burden on mankind. I'll smoke. I'll drink. I'll take drugs too. I don't have any hope anything good, because I don't deserve any good. HAHAHAHAHA!! I'll laugh now. I am laughing. Long since. YAAAY!! HAHAHAHA!

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