Saturday, July 25, 2009

Things To Remember

I am supposed to study. I thought life was great right now. I had stopped complaining. The person I loved, showed me how much I was loved in return,. I have no more complaints about that. But there's something out there, always, ready to lash at you at every possible oppurtunity, something that you can't detach yourself from, never. Family. I had been shopping for clothes. When I went into the trial room to try out something, I had to take off my t-shirt. And I saw the body I'm in, the body reflected by all the mirrors around. That's when I broke down. My self-imposed and self-asserted peace and happiness wwere thrown off the shelf. I can't say I was in tears. That would be an understatement. I was sad, I was angry, I choked, I wanted to die, I wanted to break all the mirrors, I wanted to take a knife and cut them off my chest. I had to sit for an exam in a hall with all girls, which made me "a girl" too. I couldn't give my exams anymore, I thought. I can't live anymore. I decided to do something as soon as possible. You can't live trapped in the body of the gender you don't belong to. No one understands. Even the person standing outside the trial room, waiting to see if I look good in the new t-shirt, doesn't understand. I resorted to what I had vowed I'd never do. That's the "power" of weakness. You can break your self-made vows when you go weak. I told my Mum. She had been telling me that she'd take me to a doctor, sponsor the GRS, and then, cut off all ties with me. Okay. I need my identity before a family. So, I agreed. Even Dida, who has been ringing me up everyday, to ask me why am I not with her, who just can't remember when my exams are ending, promised me that she'd sell off our ancestral house and give me the money I need. Today, when I woke up, I was in a good mood, I knew that this would be solved. Everything would be okay. I would just have to give these eams. Then, I'll go to a doctor, get the diagnosis, the prescription, the permission, the therapy. The process would start within months. I'd free from this entrapment soon. I would not have to sit and sulk over my problem, I could start off with solving it, because, my mother would pay for it. I changed my Orkut status message. I told Payal. Minutes later, when I'd mailed to Mum the details of the disease and the clinic, she calls to tell me, that she can't. In direct speech:
"I have enough problems in life, other than you. I have no time, and desire to support you in this. I don't care whether you decide to live or die. I can't support you in this."
Is this a fickle-minded person? Of course, yes! I have lived with this woman for 18 years, how could I forget that? How could I forget all the times she betrayed me, all the times she took back her words, all the times, she went against me, Gawd-knows-why! She is the last person I can ever trust, I knew that. She shatters me again. Yeah she doesn't care about me. She never did. She wanted me to be a doctor like her. She didn't want me to read story books or listen to music or watch TV or watch movies, because she herself had never done any of that. What she never understood was that I'm not her. She's my mother, period. She doesn't own my mind, by the virtue of being my mother. I'm telling you, even if I didn't have this Gender Identity Disorder, I'd be estranged from my mother. Because of our different lifestyles. Everything that I think is normal, is prohibhited by her. Friends, movies, music, story books are just the things on the top of the list. So when I started doing the things that she had never allowed me to, she showed me how awful she can be, how awful she is. She has asked my friends to go away from the house, even before they had entered the door. (Hospitality?!!) She had lied to me about my father, my friends, everyone. Same with my grandmother. Lies, all lies, just to have what you want, you can lie to any extent. That's their principle. About my father, he's a self-asserted idealist, arrogant, stubborn creature, and worst of all, he's irresponsible. He's a liar too. Anyway, what I want to commit to mind today, so that these people can't hurt me anymore is that they don't matter to me. The three of them don't matter to me, because they shouldn't matter to me. The things to remember, always, are:
[1] Your blood-parents are vile creatures.
[2]Never trust them. They have betrayed you again, and again.
[3]Never tell them your sorrows. They don't care.
[4]Never tell them your happiness. They don't support.
[5]Never let Tiyash down. She has been with you through thick and thin.
[6]Disha and Puspen are your god-parents. Love them blindly.
[7]Payal, Deshraj, Diptyajit, Sritama, Apurva etc: whether they understand you or not, they have always tried to do what makes you happy. Reciprocate it.
[8]Avoid Durgapur, and Carmel Convent High School. Any interaction with anything or anyone related to Durgapur and Carmel Convent, are bound to depress you invariably.
[9]Help Bhai whenever he needs help. But remember, it's just duty. He pretends to love you, he doesn't.
[10]The GRS can't wait. The disorder is killing you. Do something about it ASAP.

I'm feeling better now. Back to books.

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