I was DETERMINED to go to college today. I didn't because I prefered to sit home and think. In short, I've screwed up the whole day. I dunno if I'll be studying. I need to chalk out a plan for the day. I have to make 2 phone calls, 2 STD ones. I have to go out to two shops, nearby ones. I have to go to the ATM to withdraw money. I have to watch Sherlock Holmes ASAP. I have to find a partner for today, if possible (oh I know it's not possible). I have o study. I have to Google College Service Commission exams for Disha. I have to call Disha ASAP. Do I have anything else to do? Oh yeah, I had this haircut (that's the excuse I gave myself at 10:30am, when I decided not to go to college); so I must have a mega bath ASAP. There are two reasons why I should not bathe today. but, I dunno I have to figure that out soon: which reason is stronger. If I'm not meeting anyone till 15th December, I can bathe on 15th. But no, I have to go to college, and I have to meet Disha tomorrow. I must bathe today. Okay, so next thing I do, after I've finished with this (and I've watched another episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S), is having a bath. Then I will make the calls. Then I will go out and do the outdoor stuff. Movie: 4:50pm. I won't be able to make it. I don't want to be able to make it without someone else. And there's no one available at the moment. Dan the money. Okay, let's see. I don't need to watch the movie. I can download it and watch it later. Hoo. No, i won't wait till that. I will watch it, and do so today itself. Or maybe tomorrow. Phew. Let's see. First, the phone calls, and the bathing.
Yesterday wasn't a good day in any way. That doesn't mean I wasn't happy. It means, that every time I was happy, it was because of the prospect of something. In the end, the something didn't happen. First, I had to meet Payal at 8am, I didn't, because I was having a good dream, and I wanted to sleep more to let it finish. (I know good dreams are bad for me, nevertheless). That's bad, that's how the day started. Moreover, I was determined to go to college, and I didn't want to sacrifice college for stupid tings. Thanks to me, I didn't go to college, eventually. Good thing next: I arranged for a meeting later that day. Okay, so I met Payal, and took the stuff I was supposed to transport to Tiyash by 11:30am. When I'm halfway, in a cab, in my hurry, she tells me her class won't get over before 12:40pm. Bad thing again. Good thing next: I went to British Council and studied. I mean real studying: my subject, my syllabus. Then, at 12:40pm, when I'm outside Xaviers, waiting, Tiyash sends someone else to take it. If someone else would take it, why was I waiting for her class to get over? Bad thing. Okay, then I run into Gul. First time, two people who know each textually (and a little more) see each other, and recognise each other, and....that's the good thing. Bad thing next: she is as busy as usual. Nothing more happened. Good thing next: evening with Payal. We met around 7pm and I saw her last at 10pm. We had, among other things: Irish creme: which she found like toothpaste, and me like cookies. Then I walked back home, again, I walked more than halfway across South Kolkata. Coming back home, I came online, and then the bad tings started....and lasted till 3am. When I woke up at 7am today, I was still not at peace. I screwed up the whole day. Let's see if something happens. Whatever happens, won't be good, for me. The last time I was happy was before September last year. As far as I can look back, there has been only two types of existence since 2010. Either, I am numb, and indifferent to everything. Or, I am sad. And I hope, I have a sad day, today. It's better than a nothing-noteworthy-day.
My daughter and Brigadier Gerard
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