It's 2:30am, technically, I'm still in 7th January 2010. Anyway, I read a few great blogs tonight. Here are the links:
This brought a lump in my throat!
This is from Subhenjit's blog, I still can relate to every fucking thing he talks about, even thought I know his story and mine aren't the same!
And, my Paulo Coelho! He always talks wisdom, and I don't mind his being the same all over, because he realises the same "truth" all over, like me! THis is an excerpt from one of his books that I've read. Still feels like a first time!
Anyway, I had this time on 2nd January night, when Disha's Mum asked me "How was your new year eve?" I screwed up my eye-brows, trying to find a word for it, without telling her that I had got drunk with three guys, two of them, complete strangers, in my room, and blurted out secrets, not just my own, but others too! Before I could hit on the right word, she said "You don't know, right? You don't know anymore what is good, or what is bad. You don't know anymore when you're happy, when you're sad, right?". I thanked her for stealing my thoughts away! She asked me next, "But christams was good, right?" I wanted to tell her No, but then I knew why she thought it was good. She understood me to a great extent, but then, not beyond that. I wasn't happy, even on Christmas, how could I explain that? But then, I said "Yeah, probabaly", and closed the conversation. She trailed off to other issues, which, are also, quite painful to recount, painful to be the informer of. Pain, aah. That doesn't go so easily. I have realsied why I love cold drinks. It's not the cold drink actually. I love cold, icy cold liquids, in general. It helps to push down the lump in the throat. Now, when did I realise that? Last night. I was so suicidal that I felt I must scribble a suicide note, in case, I actually succumb to my destructive desire someday. My suicide note would clearly mention that no incident in the past is responsible for it. In fact, last night, I didn't have a bad time. Minutes before I was overcome with the desire to end my life, I was happy, I was laughing over the phone with Sritama, over an STD call. In Gayatri Miss's words, the detectives are wrong when they try and find out what happened exactly before the death, because, non one plans to kill himself. It's just a moment of temporary insanity. i experienced i last night so vividly. It happened in a matter of few minutes. I ended the call, I put the earphones into place, and started playing Mon Giyechhe Moner Ghor (Neel Dutt) and thought about something, about two specific people making love, lying over each other, skin to skin. And it just hit me like an uninformed-of gust of wind that I would never experience that. I know I thought about two specific people, but then , they weren't the cause. I wanted to make things "even and normal". I wanted to have sex with a girl. And I realised my handicap. I would never, ever, experience how it feels like to have sex, except online descriptions! It didn't come like a gradual chain of thoughts. It was just a rush, and BOOM. I spent one hour trying to think of the fastest ways to end my life. Then, I made myself look at my life from the eyes of other people. Other people, like Picco, Dadabhai, Disha, Puspen, Sritama etc. Picco, first, because, I know that his dreams are dependent on mine. The day I say that I don't dreamm of being a film-maker, he'll stop saying that too. Now, looking at myself, that way, I realised that I've got a lot of work to do. I will have to prove a lot people wrong! I have to do that before I can end my life. The pain didn't go away. I thought for a second, that maybe, if I have a girlfriend, I won't realise my physical handicap every now and then. Then I realised, that I don't want just a girl-friend. I want someone to love me, that way. Then I realised how much I sound like those guys whom I scold for wanting a girl-friend! Saugata, Somak etc. I tell them that music, movies and books are enough, love isn't necessary. and there I was, standing in the balcony, at 3am in the night, wanting love! Goddamn it! How many times will I be proved wrong about MYSELF in the course of a few days! I thought all my life, that I enjoy solitude. Till, one evening, everyone I could call a friend was either out of town, or busy doing something else, or just not wanting to be with me, and I was badly looking for company to go to a fair. I could go to those rides on my own (which I did go to alone, eventually) but I didn't want to got without someone who would scream at the leaping movements and the pressure changes and all. I mean, how could I enjoy a ride, without having someone who'll scream beside me? That evening, I felt lonely. For the first time in twenty years, I felt that I'm not enjoying being alone! Anyway, being at Durgapur, with Mum and Dida is always an excruciating experience. Even if it has been so since I remember, they still hurt with equal intensity, as if it's for the first time. Sometimes, you never get used to certain things. Oh how true is that! I still haven't got used to a lot of things that I was supposed to get used to by now. Getting over, ha ha!
Anyway, I have started doing a lot of constructive work, finally. I met Rituporno Ghosh's assistant tonight, at a party. I have written another poem last night (before Sritama's call) about a silverfish dying under my fingers, in a book. I have lost it, but as I told Criss the other day, I don't feel bad when I lose a poem, unlike him, because I know I'll be writing more, much more. I don't need time to think and some more time to form words and rhyme them. They automatically just form in my mind, in the unlikeliest of circumstances. I studied a little too, in the past 24 hours. The part in Development Economics, where the economies of Nigeria and Indonesia are compared is interesting. Both the countries, Nigeria and Indonesia have equal area, equal population, and equal resources (oil, forests, etc). Yet, if we look at their GDP growth since 1980, Nigeria has been going poorer from poor, and Indonesia has been growing richer from poor! The book explained it in terms of policy defects and and all. But I still think it's the climate conditions. The UN lent equal amounts of capital to both the countries. They both invested it. And Indonesia recovered the loan, and started exporting manufactured goods, while Nigeria went deeper and deeper into debt. What the book also didn't mention was that the Shell company (US) robs Nigeria of all its oil, while Indonesia gets to sell its own oil. Why so? The more I think, I climate seems to be the answer. Why should Nigerians be lazier than Indonesians, if not for the stark climatic differences? But then, the book is also right, because for different climatic conditions, the UN should have different Structural Adjustment Policies! I have lot more to read on SAPs. I have my January all planned and packed. I have to find time to study amidst all of it. Let's see what turns out.
"We have to take risks. We can only truly understand the miracle of life when we let the unexpected manifest itself." -The first lines from Coelho's latest blog [By The River Piedra I Sat Down And Wept] Only I know how much I'm risking my life for at the moment! Magic, are you coming?
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