Anyway, no criticism now. Not at a time when I'm incapable of rectifying my own faults. Disha rang up. I had been avoiding calling her up, because I didn't want an elaborate version of her "weaknesses". If I see my best friends going weak at this time, it's going to be difficult to be strong myself (the reason why I shouldn't have watched Seven Pounds). Anyway, Disha cleared my misconceptions. Felt better. Had the bath. Used the shampoo pouch that was disturbing my vision all day. No, I can't elaborate on the story of the shampoo pouch here. Reasons:
1. This is public.
2. It's silly.
3. I don't know myself.
Then, finished the two last cigarettes left from Payal's gift yesterday. It wasn't a gift, sorry. I asked for it. It was a necessity I had asked for. Yeah, I'm losing control over my self-control powers too easily these days. As ususal, I went to sleep, to avoid the mood-turn-off. Actually, the bath had made me feel slightly better, in the sense, I had finally cried during bathing. To be specific, during the shampoo-application time. I needed to cry, I thought so. So, when I finally managed to cry, I thought I must be feeling slightly better. Anyway, I went to sleep. AGAIN!!
Few SMSes came and woke me up within an hour. Only one of the SMSes was really cheering. Sohom-da's. Somehow, the news that his exams had gone well brought joy. Why? He doesn't matter to me; does he? Maybe he does. It's the way we start loving the place we live in. Habit. Anyway, I left home with nothing much to do. Borrowed some money and bought three packets of Flake. Think I changed my brand? No. It's just that, I don't need to get the high anymore, any cigarette does for me. I just need to have a stick in my mouth, and gray smoke billowing out. That's stress-relieving enough. Shit man, why am I boasting about things I hate about myself? Ah, hatred! I should avoid that. It makes me feel suicidal. And my "habit" of justifying every act makes me try and justify suicides too! That's a latest 'development'(irony to be noted). Anyway, I'm supposed to study. I'm really, really supposed to study. Now. I'm listening to Rupam. His songs appeal to me because they seem to echo everything I think. But, they don't cheer me up. But, in spite of the depressing lyrics, they make me 'feel' energetic. Especially the Hasnuhana number.
Moumita Acharya's SMS, the new landline connection at my Durgapur home, etc...all should have added to the 'mood-elevation' process. Did they?
Maybe I need a chocolate. Ah, no money,baby.