30th December 2009

I won't give excuses anymore, about not being regular on my blog. when I don't write, it's because I don't feel like writing. It doesn't necessarily mean that my mood isn't at its best. In fact, readers know, that I'm more inclined towards blogging when my mood is not at its best!
Yesterday was a good day. I'll tell you why. I thought it would be boring, and therefore, peaceful. But it wasn't boring, and therefore, not peaceful. Every moment I dared to tell myself that I am having a "beautiful" time, a phone call came and ruined it. It was miserable, yet, as Puspen says, something bad must happen in the day, to make it worth it. Yesterday, therefore, was a very, very good day.
I wanted to call Gul a large number of times, but I didn't, because I felt I'd be using her. I don't call her everytime I see something beautiful, do I? Now, I told myself, that Prinsep Ghat is all about Gul. She was the first person who made me aware of its existence. The second person who brought up Prinsep Ghat has a rather unfortunate role in my life. Anyway, I am the one who should have thanked everyone for accompanying me to Prinsep Ghat. But, instead, I made them thank me for proposing the idea!
Anyway, yesterday is past. When I started writing this post, it was mostly out of boredom, and fury. Both, because last night when I went to sleep, I had a plan of action chalked out for the whole day. When I woke up, it didn't exist anymore. The fury wasn't exactly directed at the people who were responsible for ruining my day. The fury was also directed at the "good luck" of the others involved (who weren't responsible, in any way), who made other plans no sooner, leaving me on my own. Then Criss called. He came over to my place. We had noodles together. Then I took him to Mani Square. Yeah, again, it was me who proposed it, he prefers to sit and chat, than go out, any day. Anyway, after he went home, I watched a movie at the 3D IMAX theatre over there. A Christmas Carol. I dunno if it's the movie, or the watching alone thing (after a long time) or the the cab-ride back home (alone, again), but I was having a strange feeling, which I didn't bother to analyse. I named it "peace". I can't say whether it's a good feeling, or a bad one. I can't even say if it's a positive feeling, or a negative one. All I know is the feeling that, if my mind was a canvas, no amount of colour or brush could put a mark on it. White, it would remain, no matter what. Gul sent a text, one that sounded furious, demanding to know why she had been referred to as Oxy. Someone, had given her that name, not me. And that someone, had an elder sister, who had a classmate named Oindrilla, whom, other people in the class used to call Oxy. That's how it came. Now that the first person in the previous sentence doesn't exist, I don't call her Oxy anymore. It's not that I intentionally stopped myself. Only last morning I realized that. Gul, when I called you, and you were at Nicco Park, I was with her. And, I told her, about your call, because she asked. And I referred to you as Gul. That's a first time. That's when I realised that I don't call you by the name "she" gave, anymore. You'll read this, I know. So, you'll reply in a text, soon. :)
Anyway, back home, Dad has returned from Kuala Lumpur. I am not excited to see his face, or hear his stories, he realized that. He was dejected. but I can't help it. I am at peace now. Excitement can't ruffle me. No form of excitement can ruffle me.

The Dual Thing!

There's been a lot of discussion, both silent and aloud, going on about this dual nature of everything I have been talking about. I explained it to Gul, to Ma, to Neema...and more. Aah! Neema. Wait. I haven't been blogging, because I was busy. Yesterday morning, when my maid cleaned my room, and the empty beer bottles spilled out of my bed, I realized how the past one week has been for me. Can I call it fun? Is this my definition of fun? Boozing with people at my place? Yes, and No. The dual nature, you see! It's as much fun as it isn't. I'll simplify myself. It is fun, because I know this is what I have been proposing to do every time a guy/girl told me that he's bored, he wants me to have some fun with him. It's not fun, because, definitely, I would enjoy a joy-ride in a ferris-wheel more than getting drunk every night!
I got a beautiful message today. After a long time, I got a forwarded message, that I felt like forwarding to others. Here it goes, with my corrections:

While a man was polishing his new car, his 4-year old son, picked a stone, and scratched lines on one side of the car. Furious, the man took the child's hand, and kept hitting it, and hitting it.
Not realizing, that he was using a wrench. At the hospital, the child lost all his fingers, due to multiple fractures.
When the kid saw his father, with painful eyes, he asked, "Dad, when will my fingers grow back?"
The man was speechless with sorrow. He went back to his car, and kicked it hysterically, as long as he could. Then, exhausted, he sat by the car, and his eyes fell on the scratches his son had made. The following was untidily etched:
I LOVE YOU DAD
The next day, the man killed himself.
Anger and love, have no limits. Things, are to be used. And people, are to be loved. But today, people are used, and things are loved.

It was a 6-page long SMS, in case you are wondering.
Not that I entirely agree, or something. But it was good.
The last few days saw me having high rushes of adrenaline at odd times. That is good, in a way, because that gives you the excuse to be rude (and straightforward) with people. I did that with Neema, twice, in the last few days. I have been diplomatic, according to Sayak, and finally convinced her that, what actually is broken beyond repair, is in one piece! She will exist henceforth, in my life, like Payal will too, after last night. Sritama's place will be different, a little higher: I hope so.
Payal's exams ended, and I met her. I was under the impression that I have missed her badly all these days. And when I met her, my illusions were removed. One good thing about all of it is that, right now, there's no one on earth who knows the truth. Not even Sayak, not even Disha. No one knows the entire truth. They know bits and pieces. and Payal doesn't really care, so she doesn't need to know the bits and pieces too. No one on earth knows ME at the moment. I should be glad, and feel powerful therefore. But, I am having other contradictory feelings too, which are far from making me glad. Dual nature!
Something happened for the first time today. Ma had come to Kolkata. I told her I want to meet her. I did. When I saw her off at Esplanade, I was feeling good, despite the eternal quarrel that we had. I won't call it a quarrel. She got upset about me, the moment she saw me. And I was trying to calm her down, and amuse her. We had a good time, actually.
Anyway, the New Year plans are very dicey at the moment. I guess the best thing for me to do will be to stay at Kolkata, in case, someone needs something. But then staying indoors all day, at Durgapur isn't too bad an idea!

READ this!

http://surrealsubhi.blogspot.com/2009/12/night-to-remember.html

Read this poem. This person has been writing stuff that I could relate to, since a long time. And this is what he posted today. I dunno who he is. I found him through a long chain. Hardik Mehta>>Arpit Shah>>HIM
Whatever, I dunno who he is, but I am pretty sure what he is going through is entirely different from what I am going through. But, goddamn THIS poem. This is exactly what I needed right now! Eh? Every line, every verse. Damn.

Breaking Point, eh?

Sayak said he has reached his breaking point. I dunno if our definitions of "breaking point" are same. Whatever. I just had a feeling that I am cracking, I am at my breaking point.
It's 2:30am in the night. The date is 27th December, technically. No, no, no. The date isn't important. I am writing, because I am thinking. I need to write to enable myself to think. 27th December. Now, why did I notice it? I am supposed to clear my mind, and think. Not clutter my mind anymore. Ok. The date isn't important. Ok, yeah, I am convinced now that the date isn't important. It isn't important because it wasn't on my mind before I opened this fucking page. I was drunk hours ago. I was having a slight hangover few minutes ago. Now I am clear. And guess what song is playing. Dheere Dheere from Shaurya. Ha Ha! Ok, now I am laughing. I opened this page at 2:30am in the night, because my mind was blank, and I was hit by an irresistible desire to cry. I didn't know why. I still dunno why. I got a silent scream out of my lungs. And I am not crying anymore. Which means I don't need to know why I wanted to cry a while ago. I have done a lot of things I want to do, I wanted to do. But I didn't do what I should do. Those days are over. The days when I wanted to do what I should do. I have stopped thinking. This is the price. There are more prices I have to pay. I can't take decisions on my own. Yes, Sayak, ask Payal. I can't take decisions on my own. It's not that someone else has to decide for me. But I need someone to be the deciding factor! And when you are single, you don't have the deciding factor! Single at heart. I can feel it. I don't love anyone now. Why did I feel that I have reached my breaking point? Because I thought I was cracking. I thought so. In my mother tongue, "matha kharap hoye jachchhe; pagol hoye jachchhi". I felt that a while ago. Not anymore. I know I am doing whatever I want to do. And then I am trying to reverse my actions. Not because I regret them. Last year, at Christmas, I had freaked out on Payal. I had reversed my action, without regretting whatever I shouted at her. Because it was necessary. Damn. Dholna. I don't like the song. Ok, I have changed it. Dooriyaan. Last time it was played on my computer, I wasn't in my room. I was running water from the tap to cut off the sounds coming from my room. I would be lying if I say I was OKAY then. But I had control over what I allowed my mind to think. (think, mind you, not feel). A while ago, I didn't have that control. Now, thanks to my fucking blog, I have it once again. I am thinking clearly now. I still haven't decided what I want for new year, what I want TILL new year. Going with the flow might seem an easy thing to do. But, there's no flow at the moment. And going with the flow isn't me. I make things happen. Why have I stopped that? I dunno. I feel that I have started being myself after two years. But I can't ignore what I see. I see that I am not what I was two years ago. I am more cynical. Whatever people tag as "rude", is what my fellow "researchers" call an outburst, and...what do I call them? I dunno. I can't call it an outburst. I was calm. I had an outburst when Sayak and Diya were talking. I was quiet. But I was shaking all over, and I was crying. I mean the external crying thing, the tears and the choking and all that. That was an outburst. Not last night. Not now. Breaking point, because I am losing my mind. I don't even know whether what I think is right or wrong. I don't give a damn, I say. But, two years ago, I would have given a damn. Knowing myself thoroughly was important to me. Now it isn't anymore. You see, I am not being entirely truthful with with myself. But this is true. I am back to pathological lying, at least. I am back to "FREEDOM". Sayak would say a lot of things right now. But, no, he is a fellow researcher, he can't be right. None of us have achieved what we thought we would. And both of us are experts at making mistakes. Mistakes that give us pleasure. I just made a mistake. I lost my mind. And made a mistake. I don't give a shit now. I don't need to make things happen. If love had the capability to be affected by psychokinesis, a lot things would not have happened, a larger lot of things would have. That proves that at least three relationships on my mind aren't love. I have been in one of them, years ago. That wasn't love. Even the other two aren't, either. I can't tell myself I am not in love, and expect myself to fall out of love gradually. I don't need to do anything. I can go with the flow. I can go on doing what I want to do. Even if I want to do two contrary things at the same time. And I am feeling two contrary emotions at the same time. Attraction and Indifference. Attraction VERSUS Indifference! Whatever it is, it isn't love, thankfully. I have been in love for too long to know the symptoms, when I have them. This isn't love. And I am glad it isn't so. Goddamn it.
Sayak, we both have been in the breaking point for a long time. We have been in the breaking point all this time, we still are. I just realized it, just now. Look back at everything we said, we did. And what was that property that matter loses when it reaches it's breaking point? Elasticity? Or tensile strength? Remind me. It's important.

Faith

I used to give a lot of importance to faith. Now, I don't, because it's definition has changed for me. I tell two different things to two different people. It doesn't mean that I am lying to one, and telling the truth to the other. What if both are completely contrary to each other, yet both are completely true? With the dual nature of every fucking thing, it's impossible to have faith in one, and not the other. The dual nature of matter, the dual nature of thoughts. I'll read up the e = mc^2 thing once again, and show you exactly how it applies to the real-life incidents I am going through. I won't say I fluctuate, when I say two contrary things at the same time. I am not lying when I say I don't love someone anymore. I am not lying, either, when I say that the mention of Andamans made me sad. I am not lying when I say "Trifles matter". I am not lying either, when I say "Nothing matters."
It's been a a high adrenaline rush for me the past few days. I didn't sleep, fortunately. Last night, when I actually went to SLEEP at 4am (not the going unconscious, due to fatigue) I had a series of nightmares again. I remember two/three distinctly. I saw a man raping my maid servant. I saw a child cutting open his genital organs and smiling at the discoveries. Then there was a window through which all my friends were jumping out, and killing themselves. It was fun. And I was the observer. It was all happening in dark rooms. All the dark rooms were inside the same building, and I was walking from one room to another, just seeing things. I wasn't even scared or traumatized at the sights. I was just observing. Technically I can't call it a nightmare, because I wasn't scared in the dream. I was just blank when I woke up around 10. I didn't even feel anything. I just remembered facts. But you see, it's a good sign. I am being successfully stoic, not just in reality, but in my dreams too!
Today morning, again, a few hopes, and a few fears came true. Weighing them, again, the fears are more in proportion. Strange things did happen, as usual. Strange, because they were neither hopes, nor fears; in short: unexpected! Whatever happened reminded me of the days and events when I used to have more faith in my faith in a person, than my faith in what I read or hear. I believed that if she is saying two different things to me and another person, she must be lying to the other one. I will believe in what she tells me, and not what she tells others. Then I realized, that she believed in what she told others. Then I thought, that maybe, she is lying to herself too. Now, it has been 4 days that the "half-alien-half-human" fellow people have been telling me that I am lying to myself too. I introspected. I had the perfect field of research on Christmas Eve. I realized that I am not lying to myself, I believe in both. So what's in faith then? Is it about what you believe in more? Yeah, I know I can differentiate between both my feelings, and weigh them, and even tell anyone which is more truer than the other. But, then, the other, is a result of the former! For example: You start hating a person, after a series of events, because you used to love the person. The hatred comes only because love was unfulfilled. It doesn't erase the love away, it adds to it. It might get bigger than love, and over-shadow it, but it can't erase love, because love as its source! You might say, that love itself might evolve into hatred. Then love wont exist anymore, would it? Then, there can be another way to explain it. Hatred is nothing but a different form of love. (Ayn Rand would agree to it) But, if we go by the lexicon for a moment Love and Hatred are supposed to antonyms. So, then, in my example, which is more true? The love or the hatred? None. Both can be contrary to each other. Yet both can be as intensely true as the other. Therefore, faith is an unrealistic concept!
I will spend a completely unproductive day today, again. I have to try and get a grip on my auxiliary desires, for a moment. Off to get Criss now.

Post Christmas, Pre New Year

It's 11pm. Soon, it's gonna be the midnight between 25th December and 26th December. Since I watched the movie Love Actually, Christmas reminds me of the hopes and fears. Movies are so silly, that's what I realize again now. But then, this is not final; as within a few minutes, you might find me arguing against my own statement over the phone! That's the biggest paradox. The existence of opposites. Every opinion, every judgement has a opposite, which, if seen with the right eye, is as RIGHT as it's counter one. We need peace. We need war. We need happiness, we need sorrow. What makes human beings 'humane' is that they always stick to one face of every coin. When a person can see both faces of the coin, he loses his most important humane characteristic. He has two options to choose from, then. To choose from, to consider. That is not difficult, that is impossible. You have to see both the pros and cons, and know that both are equal in weight. Man cannot take that. He has two alternatives. If I consider this ability to dual-see, a "power", he can use it to be a big fat villain, or a sad, pensive man. Now, if I consider this ability as a "weakness", he has only one alternative. To lose his sanity. Losing sanity again has two alternatives. When you lose your sanity, you lose your conscience too, I presume. You can do what you want to do, without giving a damn. Alternative two: you can mourn over your insanity and try to recover, in whatever unthinkable way possible. Unthinkable, because once you can see two sides of every event, it's tough to train your mind not to see one of them. It's tougher to accept that the two sides exist in your vision, and only yours. You feel like an alien in a sea of humans, or rather, you like a lonely human in a sea of aliens! I, for one, have been luckier. I have half-alien-half-human people around me. People who can dual-see most of the times. I have lost my sanity, there's no doubt about it. But, I can't comment further upon it. I needed an answer to a question before I could explore this. An answer that I won't probably get till tomorrow morning, when I will be far, far away from my blog.
So, how has it been the last few days?
I bought books worth more than a grand, on 24th morning. The best Christmas gift I ever gave myself (and the most expensive too!). I watched Avatar in 2D with Puspen and his friends. It was a disappointment. I tried watching it in 3D with Sayak a number of times, but haven't succeeded yet, thanks to the size of the Indian population. I watched the much-speculated-about movie 3 Idiots. I knew I was watching one of the best edited movies ever, but I got distracted half way through it. I had rabbit flesh today afternoon; it was awful: full of bones and all. I had red wine, for the second time in my life today. And it was equally bad as the first time. I tried two new alcoholic exploits (taught by Sayak). Burning shots, and a bottle thing, which basically is an inhalation of alcoholic smoke. I learnt that all my smoking and chain-smoking have been superficial. The way I inhale the smoke is, according to Sayak, not exactly the deep breathing thing it's supposed to be. Which means, fortunately or unfortunately, all the tobacco smoke I have had so far, hasn't traveled beyond my oesophagus (the chamber where the wind pipe and the food pipe meet). Which means, my lungs, and hence my blood, haven't had any taste of nicotine yet. We concluded, that I don't deep breathe ever, in general. I don't know how to breathe properly! So I have to join the Art Of Living classes, to learn to deep-breathe, so that I can eventually learn to smoke. Imagine, Art Of Living is teaching how to smoke!
I had two wild nights. Well, not exactly wild, let's say "eventful". People staying over at my place is definitely "fun". Period. I have finally stopped being the omni-planner of the lot. I didn't plan anything, and no one else did, either. If you ask me, whether everyone had a great time, without me planning everything, I would say NO. (But not proudly, mind you) It wasn't a Christmas like time, it was just as usual for everyone. So, people who usually have great days, had a great day. People who usually have bad days, had a bad day. People who have I-dunno-days, had a I-dunno-day!
Now, new year ahead. One lesson that the past one week taught me is that, thinking is really unnecessary. Few hopes get fulfilled. But a larger number of fears get so. And when most of your fears come true, you can't even protest, because, when you admit that you had feared it, you also admit that you had expected it. Can you complain against something that you were expecting? No. What gives us pleasure, is when good things happen unexpectedly. So, there's no use planning, right? But then, I also believed in making things happen, didn't I? I am doing both right now. I am making things happen to some extent (to some extent), and giving up on all planning and all (to some extent, again). In short, I am contradicting my own self every minute. Insanity, you see! My fellow half-alien-half-humans share this. Laughing and crying at the same time. Fearing and hoping at the same time. Trying and giving up at the same time. It's impossible to do just one. Humans would call it being confused, I know. But it isn't. It's just a form of dual existence. We all are going through the same phase, Disha had said. "You and her are so similar", I had said. Both of us disagreed with what each of us said. But, then, it's physics, you know. Universal. We both were right. Love and physics. We both were right.

Stopping thinking, and it's outcome.

I have failed in achieving the target I had set for myself. I was supposed to finish a book by tonight. I haven't gone beyond a chapter. I decided to sleep and watch movies as much as I could. so that, I am so bored of it all, that I don't have any other option, but to study. New strategy. One that's very favorable to me (sarcasm to be noted). I'm very unlikely to be bored of watching movies, ever. Any of my well-wishers, if they knew, would say that if I complete my graduation, I can pursue film-making, and watch as many movies a day as I want to. But, then, this sort of philosophy is what I despise. I don't believe in postponing your desires, for the better. I think it's just giving yourself a poor excuse because you don't have the guts to do what to want. that brings me to the more important question of what do I want to do now? I took up economics at a college, a year ago. Did I want to? Yes, I did. I have no objections against economics, I love it, in fact. Then, now, why don't I study? Is it just that I need someone to make me sit down to study? Definitely not. Maybe, I discovered something that I love more than economics. That sort of thing always happens with me. So, what do I now if I love something more than economics? I still need to finish my graduation to achieve that. Let me work on it. Rambling about my academic dilemma is not what I wanted to do, when I opened this page. I knew I needed to write. I didn't, and I don't know what I want to write.
Yesterday, I watched a late night show of the recent Bollywood flick, Rocket Singh: Salesman Of The Year. It was a good one, given by the standards of our local audience. But, I found it a disappointing attempt to make one of those "something different" movies that has taken to our industry of late. Everything was very predictable in the movie, I knew what would happen next, and to my disappointment, that did happen. Anyway, I watched my first Collin Farell movie today afternoon: In Bruges. The guy is natural. I didn't feel I was watching a man, acting out a character, while watching him on the screen. I felt I was watching a live footage of a real chain of events. His facial expressions, his vocal expressions, his way of crying, everything seemed to be done as if he wasn't aware of the camera in front. I have to watch more of his movies to appreciate him fully. But I've heard he's compared to Brad Pitt, so my expectations are already high. Hope it doesn't ruin the final impression!
Christmas is round the corner. Except for Payal's absence, everything seems to be great. Sayak, Disha, Puspen, Sritama, and my cousin Picco are on. Our plan is to go to St. Paul's cathedral, and then Park street, where we'll have turkey and red wine for dinner. I have to add something more to the whole plan, to fill up the apparent empty spaces. I know what I want to add. (It's what I want everyone to do on Christmas, not what I want). But, I'm scared it might not turn out to be possible. I will make the preparations, and then surprise the others. Hence, not mentionable here! But, I know I will badly miss Payal, I am already missing her.
I had written "stop thinking" on my desktop notepad, a few days ago. It turns out that I have actually stopped thinking. Except for a few instances, when my nerves went out of control, I have been numb all throughout, all days.
I had been planning to go on a holiday this weekend, since a long time. But, now that Friday is only hours away, I have run out of money. And the farthest I can go, is to Durgapur, to my other family; that's where I inevitably go when I run out of money!
I am listening to a lot of music these days. Rupam's new album re-asserts the fact he is bad at music, he is great at lyrics.
I went to Disha's place today. We had a discussion about Kareena Kapoor's prospects of winning this year's award for the Best Actress. It's what it should be, we agreed. But, with all the commercial valuation going on about it, Katrina Kaif, the girl who doesn't even take acting seriously, will win it for any of the two silly performances in New York, or Ajab Prem Ki Ghajab Kahani. Konkona Sen Sharma might also win it for Wake Up Sid. Konkona is good, but she didn't have to act in Wake Up Sid. She was playing what she actually is. An ugly, yet "mature" girl (note the pun in quotes). I remembered watching a music video last night. It was the song Raat Ka Nashaa from the movie Asoka. When Kareena Kapoor's character was remembering the memories of love-making with Asoka, the expressions on her face, and more importantly, her body, were exactly exact! I wondered why I never noticed this actress before. I haven't watched a more exact performance of getting "aroused by memories", ever in my life.
Anyway, fingers crossed. We'll all go to watch the James Cameroon movie Avatar some day soon. As of now, the group includes Amrita from my class, Puspen, Sayak, and Puspen's friend Raunaq Sahu, and probably, Disha. This movie will be important to me in a way, I just have this feeling. I still don't see any reason why it should be of any importance to me at all! I am just scared of the prospect of going to watch it. That's the word. I am scared. I dunno why, if I knew, I wouldn't be scared anymore. But then, I have stopped thinking. So, I can't expect to know myself anymore. Everything comes with a price.

The Hangover

My health is going no good. No food for 48 hours, and yet an upset stomach. I've wanting to write here day before yesterday. But people kept calling for hours, till I was sleepy, and the blog had to be skipped. Then, after all the things on board have been destroyed by the storm, I got a view of an island to go to and anchor on. I set off towards it, and I fell asleep. When I woke up, it was too late. I missed the only opportunity I had in days, and I might have at all, in more days to come.
Yesterday, met Diptyajit (will refer to him as DJ henceforth) after a long time. After a lot of silent wondering on how to talk about "it", he informed me that had been reading my blog, so he has an idea. Inevitably, I got drunk. I didn't misbehave like the previous day (not my previous getting drunk, but my previous getting drunk with DJ, but I did forget my "rules" when I got a call. She missed it. She could have got everything out then, if she wasn't disgusted with my being drunk. But, it's good. I would have felt worse off, if I had let everything out, not getting anything back in return! Anyway, DJ switched off my cell, and hid it, and left a note on my desktop, in case I don't find it after I wake up. I remember hugging him like I did Aditi Aunty on 5th December. It's the kind of hug, which you give someone stronger than you, your hands tight on his/her shoulder, your head firm on his/her chest or shoulder (varies with the person's height) and you using all your energy to squeeze out tears. I don't remember anything much, though. I see the need bookmark on my browser, and remember, slowly, all the discussions about his life, that we had. He had left by 6pm, I had dropped dead within half an hour from then. I didn't throw up, which means I could have had more. I woke up at 11pm and had a pleasant hangover. I was my sarcastic smirking self again, only with a bit more intensity! Stayed awake till 3am, and my head was clear by then. Then I forced myself to go to sleep. I had a lot of dreams. I remember two of them distinctly. They were too good to be true. Absurdly real dreams. Had people like Hamza (a classmate) and Yealeena (an ex-classmate) in the roles of villains in the dream. But, I won, in the end. The second dream was even more real. It was about waking up, and calling her up, and hearing a freaked out voice, actually breaking good news to me. When I did wake up, after that, I had trouble understanding why her name didn't appear on the top of the call lists. I woke up at 5:30am. It's 7am now, and I've been having an awful nausea since I woke up. I also realized what has been troubling my mouth slightly till yesterday. It's a recurrence of what had happened many months ago. An infection in the corner upper jaw gum. I'll go to Disha's place today, I think. Oh, she lost her wallet again! Anyway, I've got everything out. And wonder why I didn't erase her from all it, like I have been swearing to do, in the last few posts. Am I still having a hangover? Absurd!

Prologue

Aah, I see that's your way of telling me things, eh? Hmm. Pretty much my way, you know. Anyway, since there has been a few certain things, that I haven't told you, I'm pretty sure, there are, and will be, as of now, as yet, things that you wouldn't tell me. What's good about it? The fact that they are the the same thing. It's the same thing that we are NOT talking about. What's bad about it? I feel like deleting my previous posts, all of them, because I have drawn conclusions, which I shouldn't have, knowing that you're not telling me certain things, and also knowing why you aren't telling me, I should have refrained myself from making a lot of those statements that I made herein. I know now, which of them are true, which aren't. But, then again, I won't write them or tell them. I'll just have a hearty laugh. At Romo's statement of my being a director of every relationship. She was right, because yeah, that's what I have always wanted to. She was wrong, because that's what I've never succeeded in being. And I'm glad that it it's so. I strongly believe in the rules of the universe. The fact that I get what I want, still happens. That's the first rule. But I don't get it the way I want it. That's the second rule, so that's good too!

Breakdown

Too short a time to be back on this fucking page again. But then, yeah, fucking page, as this is, it has played an important role. Ever since the first day of its conception. I have used this to say things which I couldn't say over the chat window, or over the phone. It had some use. Over last few days, I had resorted to selective publishing. And anyone who has read every post, would know why. The person whom I wanted to tell everything to, didn't want to exist on this page. That's practically impossible, but virtually very possible! Whatever has been happening since the last few WEEKS, has been a great experience for me. A great, and varied and enlightening one. For starters, I have gone back to my school days form, when I considered telling people about my own life was a shameful thing to do. I have learnt IMMENSE self-control, yeah. I have become more confident about a few things, and more focussed towards a few others. And last, but not the least, I have experienced new emotions, new feelings, and new thoughts. I can't say I have changed, no. I have started being myself even more than I was being the last one year. Myself? Yeah, I have started enjoying solitude, like I used to do, till this "person" came into life, and filled up every fucking moment so much so, that I couldn't bear the idea of being without her for a moment. I have no shame in admitting that I had become like a kid, depending on one person for every easy decision to be made, from whether to watch a movie or not, whether to talk to a person or not, and even, whether to brush my teeth or not! I can't say I have started making these decisions on my own again. I have just started giving a shit about everything else. Which is good, you see. The lesser number of things you let into your life, the lesser the inconviniences in their absences.
I have been telling myself that I have had outbursts in the last few weeks. I have been calling those days of uncontrollable shaking of legs as my "outburst" days. Till today. I had a real breakdown today. It wasn't a shaking thing. It was worse, if I'm allowed to compare. I have always believed that the body has nothing to do with the person, it's only the mind that matters. So, when I had no control over my physical behavior, I was glad I had my mind in my control. Today, my mind went out of my control. No, no, not fluctuations. Fluctuations happen when you have varied thoughts at varied points of time. I'm not talking about that. That's an old story. I'm talking about a breakdown. A Complete Breakdown. Where the mind is without thoughts. Yeah, I cried a lot. A LOT! I guess it was because I wasn't prepared, I wasn't expecting it, blah blah. The very thought of it, still hurts, right. But, no, I'm not going to give you the pleasure of reading my thoughts anymore. You have probably been reading my previous posts too, the last 3-4 ones, about which you haven't mentioned anything to me. Your voice over the phone, the way you disconnected, and most importantly, today morning, it all marks the end of the last few weeks. You're not gonna tell me anything anymore. Yeah, you will, tell me unimportant repetitive things, when you need to talk to me to cheer yourself up. Like you already did twice, since your exams started. You'll not tell me the important things anymore. The last straw I held on, you're taking it away. But then, that's what you want, I know. You don't want me to hope for anything, that you know for sure, is never gonna happen. No, I'm not blaming you. I have been in your place a few years ago. I know how awfully normal and natural this is. I won't repeat mistakes. I know what I want. Ask Puspen, he'll tell you how clear I am about my priorities (he envies that, you see). I know what to do now.
I've started doing it, before you did. I have been hiding a lot of tings, before you started hiding things. (It wasn't too difficult, with our reduced conversations!)I have been lying about things, before you started doing it. Just like you think you're doing it for my good (which is absolutely wrong, but I understand) even I had thought it was for your good that I was doing them, and I made sure I tell your best friend everything, so that I don't feel guilty about it. Poor way of thinking, I have, isn't it? Poor excuses I give myself. But, anyway, no more of telling your best friend, no more of guilt. There aren't going to be anymore truths to hide, anymore of "our secrets". Why didn't I guess it long ago, Facebook had shown me the truth long ago. And I was so sure taht you are more faithful than Facebook. :) I am laughing at my innocence now. Never mind, never mind. Now, you'll be having more of "ki re kono shara shobdo nei sharadin?" days from me. You were playing with me. Since long. ( I know, that you don't know what you're doing, so don't bother to freak out!) I've been taking it, because I loved you, and I didn't give a shit about what you did with me. Now, today, I quit the game. I had a breakdown. I am broken. And you've got no use of a broken toy. You've gotta let it go. Bye.

Detached.

I woke up awfully today. But, that's just the waking up, and the going to bed. They are the only two times in the whole day, when I am in an awful state. Rest of the day, I don't give a shit about who I am, where I am, what am I doing, or what am I going through. I watch movies, talk to random people, chat with people, far and near, read some good stuff, meet some people, and period, the day's over. I don't give a thought to what's happening around me. So, even though, ENORMOUS things have happened in the last 24 hours, (thingS, plural, mind you) I have been detached from them when they were happening. I was pretending, you might say. But then I don't give a shit to that too, you know. I don't give a shit to what exactly is going on. So, I can't care lesser about the word value now!). I know for myself, that I'm not lying about anything. To anyone. If I'm smiling, it's smirk, and not a fake smile. If I am talking, it's a test I think I must pass, and not a show of fake friendliness. I can't call it pretension anymore, because of it's basic honesty. What I am calling it, is detachment. I am watching myself from a random passerby's view. I am detached from myself. So, I can't talk about myself anymore, not anymore.
The other half of my family: Disha and Puspen. I would like to talk about them. But I respect their privacy, and I respect mine too. I can't make their lives public, true. Even truer is the fact that I can't afford to attach myself to the things that mean something big to me, things such as THEM.
I watched two good movies on the two previous nights. The first one, and the better one is The Sleepers, starring people like Brad Pitt, Robert De Niro and Dustin Hoffman. But neither the star cast, nor their acting skills had anything to do with the movie. It was the story, the dialogues and the screenplay that made the impact.
The second one is The Insider. Al Pacino and Russel Crowe, Pacino being in the role of a supporting actor. It revolved around true-life incidents and true life characters, such as the Brown & Williamson Tobacco Company, and Dr. Jeffrey Wigand. Russel Crowe was pretty good, I guess. (I haven't seen him this way before, and I haven't seen him in any more than 2-3 movies) There were a few meaningful dialogues too, but the movie didn't have any overall effect that I can talk about.
Let's see what I watch now. I have become an expert at doing things I never thought I could make myself do. Be it being alone, or be it, not being alone. I'm doing too many things that I can't make myself do, if I give a shit about what's going on within me. I dunno if that's called being strong or being weak. Maybe, it's called weakening, with the pressure of showing strength. No, no, I can't talk about it. I just recovered a few hours ago. Distract and detach your mind, dude. Let's see. I'll watch something now. Or rather, read.

Delayed Neural Responses and Deceptions

Phew! Finally, I am here. I had said I'd come back the previous night I made the last post, but I didn't. Since then, till the last weekend, I couldn't have written anything, subtracting one person from all of it, because that one person is all that had happened. Weekend saw me preparing for a quiz, which I intended to do well, genuinely. I worked hard too. Then Sunday happened. I remember an incident my Samudra Da (whom I've always called just "Dada") had told me. He was on his way back to Durgapur from the Burdwan University. He was standing on the railway platform, waiting for the train. There were a lot of people from Durgapur (faces he knew very well, and faces he barely knew) on the platform, as there usually is. There was this guy he knew from his street-life days, who was standing too near the edge of the platform. One of those super-fast non-stop express trains came, and passed away. No one gave it much notice. Except the men standing around the man too near the edge. The air pressure had pulled him farther towards the edge. He had fallen on the ground. One whole leg lying on the platform, attached to his body. One half of the other leg lay bloodstained, down in the tracks, the other upper half being attached to his body. Slowly, everyone noticed him. No one said a word for a while. This man himself, didn't scream, or cry or anything. He used his hands to drag himself down onto the tracks, and then he took the leg in his hands, and tried fixing it back to the other half of it. Stupefied, and then hysterical, he continued doing it, till he gradually realized what had actually happened. By then even people had started to scream. What had surprised my Dada was the fact, that, he had felt no pain when a part of his limb broke away. Welcome to our nervous system. When something unexpectedly awful happens, our nervous system remains too shocked to react. Call it "numbness", in my literary version. Gradually, it absorbs the truth, and then, gradually, it reacts, sending signals to the brain about how painful it actually is. Then, the brain signals the rest of the body to shake or cry or whatever. That's exactly my previous Sunday evening for you. My brain had actually comprehended what had actually happened on Monday morning. And, after a long time, I did something utterly selfish. I realized I shouldn't go out, shouldn't meet people, and LEAST OF ALL, meet Shauvik, my quiz partner. I would have made irreversible mistakes if I met him. I tried to sleep off the trauma. I failed. Minutes before the quiz began, I told Shauvik that I'm deserting him. He went alone, and won the second position. Then I went to college, and faced worse. As usual, I did a good job of pretending to be cool with everything. But then I did make a few mistakes today: a few of those "bare-truth-before-you" moments. And then I was alone in a movie hall, again, and before the movie had started, I found my eyes wet!
Apart from this incident, there has been others too, the days were as normal as everyday, and at the same time, happening for the first time. 5th December, for example. Till the next day evening I didn't feel any gratitude towards the person who did everything to ensure I have a bad time on the day supposed to be my birthday. For me, it was just a normal day, a day, when I have to smile all throughout, even when the pain's choking me out of my breath. After that, I got feedback from the people who participated, and I was feeling grateful. I couldn't thank the organizer in person, because I wasn't sure if I'd realize I'm lying, the very moment I'd use the words. But I am grateful for what was done. It doesn't matter now, whether I liked what was done. I am glad it was done. A big controversy, there. But no, as I mentioned in the very beginning, till this weekend, very little of what happened is unrelated to that one person. So, I can't write down the exact truth about what exactly happened on 5th December, and what exactly I felt. Which is a pity, because this was one place, where I wrote down everything, everything that I couldn't tell Disha, Payal, Puspen etc. Not because I love to express, but because I want to keep track of the things I'm going through. I want to keep track of the process of my own growth. Anyway, it's okay. I'll store it in my mind.
[well, i did write it, and then deleted the whole paragraph; this is the edited version]
I did meet Puspen before all of it happened, and told him the basic details of what was going on right then, what had happened till then. He was reminded of nearly similar things he had to go through.
A few days ago, I was walking on an orange-lamp-lit-road, my eyes following my shadow. I observed that I look too young to be a twenty-year old. On the contrary, I feel too old for a twenty-year old. The thought can't be categorized into pleasant or unpleasant, but it did depress me, for a minute.
I had some good food in the past few days. I met someone yesterday. She had made my day. Only that, she made yesterday the first day in a month, that I cried myself to sleep. She reminded me, at night of course, of all the people I have lost. Though she had been the best thing that happened all day, by the time I fell asleep, I regretted meeting her. Delayed neural responses, as usual. Anyway, I don't need to write anything more, I'll recollect the rest from the previous two statements. I wish I could write each incident that happened since my last post, in greater detail. Each incident had meant a hell to me, and had started "chains of thoughts", you know. When I try to pen down things, I get to figure out a lot of un-figured-out feelings and thoughts. That's why I write. To have "clarity". It's the same way you need a pen and a paper to solve a complicated numerical problem. Some things are too complicated to be solved in your mind, without the help of a pen and paper. But then again, I'll manage without clarity. I don't need to find out the answers to the questions that kept hitting me last evening. [ The most common ones were- Disha and Puspen, will they be together in the end? Victoria Memorial, why? Taj Mahal, why was it in that movie song? Sayak, isn't he better off? Me, what am I doing here? What does this very moment mean? Should I go away? Should I stay? ] I will manage without the answers. Ah, I'll manage without peace of mind! I am strong! And I tell myself, that it's all going to be insignificant.
I am not OK with it. I am not at all OK, in any remote way. But then, when was I ever OK with things that are actually good for me?
I am glad I hadn't done what I wanted to do yesterday, at 4pm, at Park Street. First, I had wanted to hit the bike I was sitting on. Then I wanted to text someone and let out all the anger in words (slangs, actually). Then, I wanted to cry. Then I wanted to run away. I didn't do any of them. I asked Sayak to help me to get away from it. He was too engrossed in the latest theories on Diya, to care. And I'm grateful for that. I'm glad, like I was on 5th December.
Do you know why I walk behind the two of you? So that I get to see "it". The look in your eyes, the holding of hands, everything. The more I see it, the tighter my throat gets. I like that feeling, you know.
It's so easy to deceive, and it's so much more easier to get deceived.

Bored. GODDAMN IT!

She went offline. I'm back here. I just realised what I told Picco today afternoon. I'm bored. For the first time in 19 years, I admit, I am bored. I used to pride myself on the belief that I am the only person I know who can never get bored, because I can make things happen. I can. But now, all I've gotta do is wait. And waiting...well, this time, it's more trying. This is going to be the most difficult thing. More difficult that standing at Tollygunj from 3pm-6pm on a summer evening. More difficult than telling your ex-girl-friend's new boy-friend what to do, and when to do. This is worse, this is more difficult. And while I'me facing it, (and not evading it) I am bored. I tried studying yesterday. I changed subjects till I gave up. I found all taht boring. I watched movies at night, but I remember, I know how often I controlled the temptation to turn the computer off. I found the goodness in Mumbai Meri Jaan boring. I found the emotional scenes unworthy of going through. I found the scary happenings in The Uninvited unworthy of my fear. The only reason I watched the movies was to keep myself awake till 7:30am, for some noble purpose. I was bored of sleeping after that. I was bored of trying tomend my computer. I didn't go to watch the movies I had planned to, because the idea of watching them felt boring. I re-watched Inglorious Basterds with Picco n Dadabhai. That felt refreshing, though. After that, I skipped going to meet a friend to collect my long-ago-lent books. The idea of going out felt boring. But, that's not really important. Typing this feels boring. Or rather, worthless. But at least I'm doing something. If I didn't watch Inglorious Basterds, maybe I would have gone to collect the books, and watched an evening show as well. I need to do what I should do. I need to keep doing something or the other. So I will. The thought of being idle isn't too lucrative too!
Farmville now. Will drop by again later tonight. Doing for the sake of doing it.

Building. Breaking. And, Building Again.

I had resolved in my last post that I won't write down anything anymore. Despite the long gap, and, despite the events that followed, that still holds. I will write about everything else. Just subtract one person from all of it. Delete one colour from life, in someone's language. What I write is what I think. I have decided t quit smoking a number of times, but I never wrote it anywhere, because I knew it was never strong enough. I remember how Jojo Da had publicly resolved to quit smoking months ago, and restarted it no sooner. When my resolution is strong enough, I'll make a public announcement too. No, not public. Textual, to be exact. My blog isn't public property, it's something very private. Very very private.
Okay, in a nutshell, whatever happened during my absence from online life, will be mentioned serially. Since I have to erase the "sense" from all of it, it will be pretty precise.
1. For the first time, I considered taking up short-story writing, since poetry doesn't have a market, and I don't have time enough for novels. Not yet, not before I stop being a student. Short-story writing...well, haven't tried anything yet. But, let's see. I am not going to give up poetry, I can't. I don't decide to rite them, the words just form in my mind. But, I won' publish any of them, as of now.
2. The much-awaited 1st year results came out. I never saw them. I have got the marksheet, but I haven't seen that too. I have heard my marks from two people respectively. I have secured just the pass mark, but surprisingly, I have passed in Computer Science, the paper which I actually submitted blank. Never mind, it was a miracle, both in a good way, and a bad way. It was unexpected. And I like unexpected things.
3. I am the "proud" owner of a touchphone now. Samsung Corby. My mother bought it for me. I wanted the money, not the phone. So, I'm more inclined to hate it. But, this is the first cell that has been bought by Mum, the first cell I can carry around, without feeling that it's illegal.
4. My computer showed me that it's frequency of mood fluctuations is not too lower than mine. It crashed, I formatted it, it crashed again, I formatted it again. And so on. Right now, it's been 2 hours since my 10/11th format in a month. Let's see, again.
5. I've read my much-dreamt-of A House For Mr. Biswas by V. S. Naipaul. I was disappointed.
6. I've read the much-acclaimed The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. It was a disappoinment, in the sense that it didn't "affect" me. The person who asked me to read it, said that it was the best book he ever read, and he was convinced that it would chnag a few things about the way I look at life, etc. None of that happened. Arundhuti Roy's God Of Small Things still remain my best book ever.
7. Studies notwithstanding, I watched three movies consecutively last night. The first one was the best. Mumbai Meri Jaan. A not-so-well directed, a not-so-well shot film about a not-so-important-to-me issue. Yet, I loved it. It did have its desired effect on me. All I can say about the director is, he has learnt human psychology perfectly. I won't comment on his film-making skills, because it was alow budget film, so I dunno what constraints he might have had. Next I watched a horror film titled The Uninvited. A normal psycho-thriller. I realised during the movie, and after the movie, that I'm bored of horror films. I find the "fear factor" irritating. Last, I watched Snatch. It's Brad Pitt's much-acclaimed-by-Puspen movie. It was a smart movie, not too intense or effective. But I watched a completely unimaginable Brad Pitt. I can't compare him to my favourite, AL Pacino. But, I'm beginning to believe that he's an equally good actor. No, not good. GREAT!
8. I am very tempted to end this post with a personal touch. But I have to restrain myself to a permissible extent. I have had a lot of surprises of late, mostly from myself. When I am thinking that I am doing great, I'm not insecure, nothing, something unexpected happens gives me the same choking, shivering urge to scream. Oh yeah, I forgot that. I don't cry anymore. People cry out of sorrow. I don't feel sorrow anymore. I feel pain. And I do what people do out of pain. I scream. Actually,no, not unexpected things; pretty much expected things happen, but they "affect", because that's probably exactly what I had been scared of. I know how confusing I sound. That's why I didn't want to write anything. Damn.
9. Dear studies, please make me fall in love with you. She has come online. And....well...The End.