Sayak said he has reached his breaking point. I dunno if our definitions of "breaking point" are same. Whatever. I just had a feeling that I am cracking, I am at my breaking point.
It's 2:30am in the night. The date is 27th December, technically. No, no, no. The date isn't important. I am writing, because I am thinking. I need to write to enable myself to think. 27th December. Now, why did I notice it? I am supposed to clear my mind, and think. Not clutter my mind anymore. Ok. The date isn't important. Ok, yeah, I am convinced now that the date isn't important. It isn't important because it wasn't on my mind before I opened this fucking page. I was drunk hours ago. I was having a slight hangover few minutes ago. Now I am clear. And guess what song is playing. Dheere Dheere from Shaurya. Ha Ha! Ok, now I am laughing. I opened this page at 2:30am in the night, because my mind was blank, and I was hit by an irresistible desire to cry. I didn't know why. I still dunno why. I got a silent scream out of my lungs. And I am not crying anymore. Which means I don't need to know why I wanted to cry a while ago. I have done a lot of things I want to do, I wanted to do. But I didn't do what I should do. Those days are over. The days when I wanted to do what I should do. I have stopped thinking. This is the price. There are more prices I have to pay. I can't take decisions on my own. Yes, Sayak, ask Payal. I can't take decisions on my own. It's not that someone else has to decide for me. But I need someone to be the deciding factor! And when you are single, you don't have the deciding factor! Single at heart. I can feel it. I don't love anyone now. Why did I feel that I have reached my breaking point? Because I thought I was cracking. I thought so. In my mother tongue, "matha kharap hoye jachchhe; pagol hoye jachchhi". I felt that a while ago. Not anymore. I know I am doing whatever I want to do. And then I am trying to reverse my actions. Not because I regret them. Last year, at Christmas, I had freaked out on Payal. I had reversed my action, without regretting whatever I shouted at her. Because it was necessary. Damn. Dholna. I don't like the song. Ok, I have changed it. Dooriyaan. Last time it was played on my computer, I wasn't in my room. I was running water from the tap to cut off the sounds coming from my room. I would be lying if I say I was OKAY then. But I had control over what I allowed my mind to think. (think, mind you, not feel). A while ago, I didn't have that control. Now, thanks to my fucking blog, I have it once again. I am thinking clearly now. I still haven't decided what I want for new year, what I want TILL new year. Going with the flow might seem an easy thing to do. But, there's no flow at the moment. And going with the flow isn't me. I make things happen. Why have I stopped that? I dunno. I feel that I have started being myself after two years. But I can't ignore what I see. I see that I am not what I was two years ago. I am more cynical. Whatever people tag as "rude", is what my fellow "researchers" call an outburst, and...what do I call them? I dunno. I can't call it an outburst. I was calm. I had an outburst when Sayak and Diya were talking. I was quiet. But I was shaking all over, and I was crying. I mean the external crying thing, the tears and the choking and all that. That was an outburst. Not last night. Not now. Breaking point, because I am losing my mind. I don't even know whether what I think is right or wrong. I don't give a damn, I say. But, two years ago, I would have given a damn. Knowing myself thoroughly was important to me. Now it isn't anymore. You see, I am not being entirely truthful with with myself. But this is true. I am back to pathological lying, at least. I am back to "FREEDOM". Sayak would say a lot of things right now. But, no, he is a fellow researcher, he can't be right. None of us have achieved what we thought we would. And both of us are experts at making mistakes. Mistakes that give us pleasure. I just made a mistake. I lost my mind. And made a mistake. I don't give a shit now. I don't need to make things happen. If love had the capability to be affected by psychokinesis, a lot things would not have happened, a larger lot of things would have. That proves that at least three relationships on my mind aren't love. I have been in one of them, years ago. That wasn't love. Even the other two aren't, either. I can't tell myself I am not in love, and expect myself to fall out of love gradually. I don't need to do anything. I can go with the flow. I can go on doing what I want to do. Even if I want to do two contrary things at the same time. And I am feeling two contrary emotions at the same time. Attraction and Indifference. Attraction VERSUS Indifference! Whatever it is, it isn't love, thankfully. I have been in love for too long to know the symptoms, when I have them. This isn't love. And I am glad it isn't so. Goddamn it.
Sayak, we both have been in the breaking point for a long time. We have been in the breaking point all this time, we still are. I just realized it, just now. Look back at everything we said, we did. And what was that property that matter loses when it reaches it's breaking point? Elasticity? Or tensile strength? Remind me. It's important.
My daughter and Brigadier Gerard
10 hours ago