It's 11pm. Soon, it's gonna be the midnight between 25th December and 26th December. Since I watched the movie Love Actually, Christmas reminds me of the hopes and fears. Movies are so silly, that's what I realize again now. But then, this is not final; as within a few minutes, you might find me arguing against my own statement over the phone! That's the biggest paradox. The existence of opposites. Every opinion, every judgement has a opposite, which, if seen with the right eye, is as RIGHT as it's counter one. We need peace. We need war. We need happiness, we need sorrow. What makes human beings 'humane' is that they always stick to one face of every coin. When a person can see both faces of the coin, he loses his most important humane characteristic. He has two options to choose from, then. To choose from, to consider. That is not difficult, that is impossible. You have to see both the pros and cons, and know that both are equal in weight. Man cannot take that. He has two alternatives. If I consider this ability to dual-see, a "power", he can use it to be a big fat villain, or a sad, pensive man. Now, if I consider this ability as a "weakness", he has only one alternative. To lose his sanity. Losing sanity again has two alternatives. When you lose your sanity, you lose your conscience too, I presume. You can do what you want to do, without giving a damn. Alternative two: you can mourn over your insanity and try to recover, in whatever unthinkable way possible. Unthinkable, because once you can see two sides of every event, it's tough to train your mind not to see one of them. It's tougher to accept that the two sides exist in your vision, and only yours. You feel like an alien in a sea of humans, or rather, you like a lonely human in a sea of aliens! I, for one, have been luckier. I have half-alien-half-human people around me. People who can dual-see most of the times. I have lost my sanity, there's no doubt about it. But, I can't comment further upon it. I needed an answer to a question before I could explore this. An answer that I won't probably get till tomorrow morning, when I will be far, far away from my blog.
So, how has it been the last few days?
I bought books worth more than a grand, on 24th morning. The best Christmas gift I ever gave myself (and the most expensive too!). I watched Avatar in 2D with Puspen and his friends. It was a disappointment. I tried watching it in 3D with Sayak a number of times, but haven't succeeded yet, thanks to the size of the Indian population. I watched the much-speculated-about movie 3 Idiots. I knew I was watching one of the best edited movies ever, but I got distracted half way through it. I had rabbit flesh today afternoon; it was awful: full of bones and all. I had red wine, for the second time in my life today. And it was equally bad as the first time. I tried two new alcoholic exploits (taught by Sayak). Burning shots, and a bottle thing, which basically is an inhalation of alcoholic smoke. I learnt that all my smoking and chain-smoking have been superficial. The way I inhale the smoke is, according to Sayak, not exactly the deep breathing thing it's supposed to be. Which means, fortunately or unfortunately, all the tobacco smoke I have had so far, hasn't traveled beyond my oesophagus (the chamber where the wind pipe and the food pipe meet). Which means, my lungs, and hence my blood, haven't had any taste of nicotine yet. We concluded, that I don't deep breathe ever, in general. I don't know how to breathe properly! So I have to join the Art Of Living classes, to learn to deep-breathe, so that I can eventually learn to smoke. Imagine, Art Of Living is teaching how to smoke!
I had two wild nights. Well, not exactly wild, let's say "eventful". People staying over at my place is definitely "fun". Period. I have finally stopped being the omni-planner of the lot. I didn't plan anything, and no one else did, either. If you ask me, whether everyone had a great time, without me planning everything, I would say NO. (But not proudly, mind you) It wasn't a Christmas like time, it was just as usual for everyone. So, people who usually have great days, had a great day. People who usually have bad days, had a bad day. People who have I-dunno-days, had a I-dunno-day!
Now, new year ahead. One lesson that the past one week taught me is that, thinking is really unnecessary. Few hopes get fulfilled. But a larger number of fears get so. And when most of your fears come true, you can't even protest, because, when you admit that you had feared it, you also admit that you had expected it. Can you complain against something that you were expecting? No. What gives us pleasure, is when good things happen unexpectedly. So, there's no use planning, right? But then, I also believed in making things happen, didn't I? I am doing both right now. I am making things happen to some extent (to some extent), and giving up on all planning and all (to some extent, again). In short, I am contradicting my own self every minute. Insanity, you see! My fellow half-alien-half-humans share this. Laughing and crying at the same time. Fearing and hoping at the same time. Trying and giving up at the same time. It's impossible to do just one. Humans would call it being confused, I know. But it isn't. It's just a form of dual existence. We all are going through the same phase, Disha had said. "You and her are so similar", I had said. Both of us disagreed with what each of us said. But, then, it's physics, you know. Universal. We both were right. Love and physics. We both were right.
My daughter and Brigadier Gerard
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