Thursday, December 10, 2009


Too short a time to be back on this fucking page again. But then, yeah, fucking page, as this is, it has played an important role. Ever since the first day of its conception. I have used this to say things which I couldn't say over the chat window, or over the phone. It had some use. Over last few days, I had resorted to selective publishing. And anyone who has read every post, would know why. The person whom I wanted to tell everything to, didn't want to exist on this page. That's practically impossible, but virtually very possible! Whatever has been happening since the last few WEEKS, has been a great experience for me. A great, and varied and enlightening one. For starters, I have gone back to my school days form, when I considered telling people about my own life was a shameful thing to do. I have learnt IMMENSE self-control, yeah. I have become more confident about a few things, and more focussed towards a few others. And last, but not the least, I have experienced new emotions, new feelings, and new thoughts. I can't say I have changed, no. I have started being myself even more than I was being the last one year. Myself? Yeah, I have started enjoying solitude, like I used to do, till this "person" came into life, and filled up every fucking moment so much so, that I couldn't bear the idea of being without her for a moment. I have no shame in admitting that I had become like a kid, depending on one person for every easy decision to be made, from whether to watch a movie or not, whether to talk to a person or not, and even, whether to brush my teeth or not! I can't say I have started making these decisions on my own again. I have just started giving a shit about everything else. Which is good, you see. The lesser number of things you let into your life, the lesser the inconviniences in their absences.
I have been telling myself that I have had outbursts in the last few weeks. I have been calling those days of uncontrollable shaking of legs as my "outburst" days. Till today. I had a real breakdown today. It wasn't a shaking thing. It was worse, if I'm allowed to compare. I have always believed that the body has nothing to do with the person, it's only the mind that matters. So, when I had no control over my physical behavior, I was glad I had my mind in my control. Today, my mind went out of my control. No, no, not fluctuations. Fluctuations happen when you have varied thoughts at varied points of time. I'm not talking about that. That's an old story. I'm talking about a breakdown. A Complete Breakdown. Where the mind is without thoughts. Yeah, I cried a lot. A LOT! I guess it was because I wasn't prepared, I wasn't expecting it, blah blah. The very thought of it, still hurts, right. But, no, I'm not going to give you the pleasure of reading my thoughts anymore. You have probably been reading my previous posts too, the last 3-4 ones, about which you haven't mentioned anything to me. Your voice over the phone, the way you disconnected, and most importantly, today morning, it all marks the end of the last few weeks. You're not gonna tell me anything anymore. Yeah, you will, tell me unimportant repetitive things, when you need to talk to me to cheer yourself up. Like you already did twice, since your exams started. You'll not tell me the important things anymore. The last straw I held on, you're taking it away. But then, that's what you want, I know. You don't want me to hope for anything, that you know for sure, is never gonna happen. No, I'm not blaming you. I have been in your place a few years ago. I know how awfully normal and natural this is. I won't repeat mistakes. I know what I want. Ask Puspen, he'll tell you how clear I am about my priorities (he envies that, you see). I know what to do now.
I've started doing it, before you did. I have been hiding a lot of tings, before you started hiding things. (It wasn't too difficult, with our reduced conversations!)I have been lying about things, before you started doing it. Just like you think you're doing it for my good (which is absolutely wrong, but I understand) even I had thought it was for your good that I was doing them, and I made sure I tell your best friend everything, so that I don't feel guilty about it. Poor way of thinking, I have, isn't it? Poor excuses I give myself. But, anyway, no more of telling your best friend, no more of guilt. There aren't going to be anymore truths to hide, anymore of "our secrets". Why didn't I guess it long ago, Facebook had shown me the truth long ago. And I was so sure taht you are more faithful than Facebook. :) I am laughing at my innocence now. Never mind, never mind. Now, you'll be having more of "ki re kono shara shobdo nei sharadin?" days from me. You were playing with me. Since long. ( I know, that you don't know what you're doing, so don't bother to freak out!) I've been taking it, because I loved you, and I didn't give a shit about what you did with me. Now, today, I quit the game. I had a breakdown. I am broken. And you've got no use of a broken toy. You've gotta let it go. Bye.

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