Thursday, December 10, 2009


I woke up awfully today. But, that's just the waking up, and the going to bed. They are the only two times in the whole day, when I am in an awful state. Rest of the day, I don't give a shit about who I am, where I am, what am I doing, or what am I going through. I watch movies, talk to random people, chat with people, far and near, read some good stuff, meet some people, and period, the day's over. I don't give a thought to what's happening around me. So, even though, ENORMOUS things have happened in the last 24 hours, (thingS, plural, mind you) I have been detached from them when they were happening. I was pretending, you might say. But then I don't give a shit to that too, you know. I don't give a shit to what exactly is going on. So, I can't care lesser about the word value now!). I know for myself, that I'm not lying about anything. To anyone. If I'm smiling, it's smirk, and not a fake smile. If I am talking, it's a test I think I must pass, and not a show of fake friendliness. I can't call it pretension anymore, because of it's basic honesty. What I am calling it, is detachment. I am watching myself from a random passerby's view. I am detached from myself. So, I can't talk about myself anymore, not anymore.
The other half of my family: Disha and Puspen. I would like to talk about them. But I respect their privacy, and I respect mine too. I can't make their lives public, true. Even truer is the fact that I can't afford to attach myself to the things that mean something big to me, things such as THEM.
I watched two good movies on the two previous nights. The first one, and the better one is The Sleepers, starring people like Brad Pitt, Robert De Niro and Dustin Hoffman. But neither the star cast, nor their acting skills had anything to do with the movie. It was the story, the dialogues and the screenplay that made the impact.
The second one is The Insider. Al Pacino and Russel Crowe, Pacino being in the role of a supporting actor. It revolved around true-life incidents and true life characters, such as the Brown & Williamson Tobacco Company, and Dr. Jeffrey Wigand. Russel Crowe was pretty good, I guess. (I haven't seen him this way before, and I haven't seen him in any more than 2-3 movies) There were a few meaningful dialogues too, but the movie didn't have any overall effect that I can talk about.
Let's see what I watch now. I have become an expert at doing things I never thought I could make myself do. Be it being alone, or be it, not being alone. I'm doing too many things that I can't make myself do, if I give a shit about what's going on within me. I dunno if that's called being strong or being weak. Maybe, it's called weakening, with the pressure of showing strength. No, no, I can't talk about it. I just recovered a few hours ago. Distract and detach your mind, dude. Let's see. I'll watch something now. Or rather, read.

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