I used to give a lot of importance to faith. Now, I don't, because it's definition has changed for me. I tell two different things to two different people. It doesn't mean that I am lying to one, and telling the truth to the other. What if both are completely contrary to each other, yet both are completely true? With the dual nature of every fucking thing, it's impossible to have faith in one, and not the other. The dual nature of matter, the dual nature of thoughts. I'll read up the e = mc^2 thing once again, and show you exactly how it applies to the real-life incidents I am going through. I won't say I fluctuate, when I say two contrary things at the same time. I am not lying when I say I don't love someone anymore. I am not lying, either, when I say that the mention of Andamans made me sad. I am not lying when I say "Trifles matter". I am not lying either, when I say "Nothing matters."
It's been a a high adrenaline rush for me the past few days. I didn't sleep, fortunately. Last night, when I actually went to SLEEP at 4am (not the going unconscious, due to fatigue) I had a series of nightmares again. I remember two/three distinctly. I saw a man raping my maid servant. I saw a child cutting open his genital organs and smiling at the discoveries. Then there was a window through which all my friends were jumping out, and killing themselves. It was fun. And I was the observer. It was all happening in dark rooms. All the dark rooms were inside the same building, and I was walking from one room to another, just seeing things. I wasn't even scared or traumatized at the sights. I was just observing. Technically I can't call it a nightmare, because I wasn't scared in the dream. I was just blank when I woke up around 10. I didn't even feel anything. I just remembered facts. But you see, it's a good sign. I am being successfully stoic, not just in reality, but in my dreams too!
Today morning, again, a few hopes, and a few fears came true. Weighing them, again, the fears are more in proportion. Strange things did happen, as usual. Strange, because they were neither hopes, nor fears; in short: unexpected! Whatever happened reminded me of the days and events when I used to have more faith in my faith in a person, than my faith in what I read or hear. I believed that if she is saying two different things to me and another person, she must be lying to the other one. I will believe in what she tells me, and not what she tells others. Then I realized, that she believed in what she told others. Then I thought, that maybe, she is lying to herself too. Now, it has been 4 days that the "half-alien-half-human" fellow people have been telling me that I am lying to myself too. I introspected. I had the perfect field of research on Christmas Eve. I realized that I am not lying to myself, I believe in both. So what's in faith then? Is it about what you believe in more? Yeah, I know I can differentiate between both my feelings, and weigh them, and even tell anyone which is more truer than the other. But, then, the other, is a result of the former! For example: You start hating a person, after a series of events, because you used to love the person. The hatred comes only because love was unfulfilled. It doesn't erase the love away, it adds to it. It might get bigger than love, and over-shadow it, but it can't erase love, because love as its source! You might say, that love itself might evolve into hatred. Then love wont exist anymore, would it? Then, there can be another way to explain it. Hatred is nothing but a different form of love. (Ayn Rand would agree to it) But, if we go by the lexicon for a moment Love and Hatred are supposed to antonyms. So, then, in my example, which is more true? The love or the hatred? None. Both can be contrary to each other. Yet both can be as intensely true as the other. Therefore, faith is an unrealistic concept!
I will spend a completely unproductive day today, again. I have to try and get a grip on my auxiliary desires, for a moment. Off to get Criss now.
My daughter and Brigadier Gerard
10 hours ago