30th December 2009

I won't give excuses anymore, about not being regular on my blog. when I don't write, it's because I don't feel like writing. It doesn't necessarily mean that my mood isn't at its best. In fact, readers know, that I'm more inclined towards blogging when my mood is not at its best!
Yesterday was a good day. I'll tell you why. I thought it would be boring, and therefore, peaceful. But it wasn't boring, and therefore, not peaceful. Every moment I dared to tell myself that I am having a "beautiful" time, a phone call came and ruined it. It was miserable, yet, as Puspen says, something bad must happen in the day, to make it worth it. Yesterday, therefore, was a very, very good day.
I wanted to call Gul a large number of times, but I didn't, because I felt I'd be using her. I don't call her everytime I see something beautiful, do I? Now, I told myself, that Prinsep Ghat is all about Gul. She was the first person who made me aware of its existence. The second person who brought up Prinsep Ghat has a rather unfortunate role in my life. Anyway, I am the one who should have thanked everyone for accompanying me to Prinsep Ghat. But, instead, I made them thank me for proposing the idea!
Anyway, yesterday is past. When I started writing this post, it was mostly out of boredom, and fury. Both, because last night when I went to sleep, I had a plan of action chalked out for the whole day. When I woke up, it didn't exist anymore. The fury wasn't exactly directed at the people who were responsible for ruining my day. The fury was also directed at the "good luck" of the others involved (who weren't responsible, in any way), who made other plans no sooner, leaving me on my own. Then Criss called. He came over to my place. We had noodles together. Then I took him to Mani Square. Yeah, again, it was me who proposed it, he prefers to sit and chat, than go out, any day. Anyway, after he went home, I watched a movie at the 3D IMAX theatre over there. A Christmas Carol. I dunno if it's the movie, or the watching alone thing (after a long time) or the the cab-ride back home (alone, again), but I was having a strange feeling, which I didn't bother to analyse. I named it "peace". I can't say whether it's a good feeling, or a bad one. I can't even say if it's a positive feeling, or a negative one. All I know is the feeling that, if my mind was a canvas, no amount of colour or brush could put a mark on it. White, it would remain, no matter what. Gul sent a text, one that sounded furious, demanding to know why she had been referred to as Oxy. Someone, had given her that name, not me. And that someone, had an elder sister, who had a classmate named Oindrilla, whom, other people in the class used to call Oxy. That's how it came. Now that the first person in the previous sentence doesn't exist, I don't call her Oxy anymore. It's not that I intentionally stopped myself. Only last morning I realized that. Gul, when I called you, and you were at Nicco Park, I was with her. And, I told her, about your call, because she asked. And I referred to you as Gul. That's a first time. That's when I realised that I don't call you by the name "she" gave, anymore. You'll read this, I know. So, you'll reply in a text, soon. :)
Anyway, back home, Dad has returned from Kuala Lumpur. I am not excited to see his face, or hear his stories, he realized that. He was dejected. but I can't help it. I am at peace now. Excitement can't ruffle me. No form of excitement can ruffle me.

The Dual Thing!

There's been a lot of discussion, both silent and aloud, going on about this dual nature of everything I have been talking about. I explained it to Gul, to Ma, to Neema...and more. Aah! Neema. Wait. I haven't been blogging, because I was busy. Yesterday morning, when my maid cleaned my room, and the empty beer bottles spilled out of my bed, I realized how the past one week has been for me. Can I call it fun? Is this my definition of fun? Boozing with people at my place? Yes, and No. The dual nature, you see! It's as much fun as it isn't. I'll simplify myself. It is fun, because I know this is what I have been proposing to do every time a guy/girl told me that he's bored, he wants me to have some fun with him. It's not fun, because, definitely, I would enjoy a joy-ride in a ferris-wheel more than getting drunk every night!
I got a beautiful message today. After a long time, I got a forwarded message, that I felt like forwarding to others. Here it goes, with my corrections:

While a man was polishing his new car, his 4-year old son, picked a stone, and scratched lines on one side of the car. Furious, the man took the child's hand, and kept hitting it, and hitting it.
Not realizing, that he was using a wrench. At the hospital, the child lost all his fingers, due to multiple fractures.
When the kid saw his father, with painful eyes, he asked, "Dad, when will my fingers grow back?"
The man was speechless with sorrow. He went back to his car, and kicked it hysterically, as long as he could. Then, exhausted, he sat by the car, and his eyes fell on the scratches his son had made. The following was untidily etched:
I LOVE YOU DAD
The next day, the man killed himself.
Anger and love, have no limits. Things, are to be used. And people, are to be loved. But today, people are used, and things are loved.

It was a 6-page long SMS, in case you are wondering.
Not that I entirely agree, or something. But it was good.
The last few days saw me having high rushes of adrenaline at odd times. That is good, in a way, because that gives you the excuse to be rude (and straightforward) with people. I did that with Neema, twice, in the last few days. I have been diplomatic, according to Sayak, and finally convinced her that, what actually is broken beyond repair, is in one piece! She will exist henceforth, in my life, like Payal will too, after last night. Sritama's place will be different, a little higher: I hope so.
Payal's exams ended, and I met her. I was under the impression that I have missed her badly all these days. And when I met her, my illusions were removed. One good thing about all of it is that, right now, there's no one on earth who knows the truth. Not even Sayak, not even Disha. No one knows the entire truth. They know bits and pieces. and Payal doesn't really care, so she doesn't need to know the bits and pieces too. No one on earth knows ME at the moment. I should be glad, and feel powerful therefore. But, I am having other contradictory feelings too, which are far from making me glad. Dual nature!
Something happened for the first time today. Ma had come to Kolkata. I told her I want to meet her. I did. When I saw her off at Esplanade, I was feeling good, despite the eternal quarrel that we had. I won't call it a quarrel. She got upset about me, the moment she saw me. And I was trying to calm her down, and amuse her. We had a good time, actually.
Anyway, the New Year plans are very dicey at the moment. I guess the best thing for me to do will be to stay at Kolkata, in case, someone needs something. But then staying indoors all day, at Durgapur isn't too bad an idea!

READ this!

http://surrealsubhi.blogspot.com/2009/12/night-to-remember.html

Read this poem. This person has been writing stuff that I could relate to, since a long time. And this is what he posted today. I dunno who he is. I found him through a long chain. Hardik Mehta>>Arpit Shah>>HIM
Whatever, I dunno who he is, but I am pretty sure what he is going through is entirely different from what I am going through. But, goddamn THIS poem. This is exactly what I needed right now! Eh? Every line, every verse. Damn.

Breaking Point, eh?

Sayak said he has reached his breaking point. I dunno if our definitions of "breaking point" are same. Whatever. I just had a feeling that I am cracking, I am at my breaking point.
It's 2:30am in the night. The date is 27th December, technically. No, no, no. The date isn't important. I am writing, because I am thinking. I need to write to enable myself to think. 27th December. Now, why did I notice it? I am supposed to clear my mind, and think. Not clutter my mind anymore. Ok. The date isn't important. Ok, yeah, I am convinced now that the date isn't important. It isn't important because it wasn't on my mind before I opened this fucking page. I was drunk hours ago. I was having a slight hangover few minutes ago. Now I am clear. And guess what song is playing. Dheere Dheere from Shaurya. Ha Ha! Ok, now I am laughing. I opened this page at 2:30am in the night, because my mind was blank, and I was hit by an irresistible desire to cry. I didn't know why. I still dunno why. I got a silent scream out of my lungs. And I am not crying anymore. Which means I don't need to know why I wanted to cry a while ago. I have done a lot of things I want to do, I wanted to do. But I didn't do what I should do. Those days are over. The days when I wanted to do what I should do. I have stopped thinking. This is the price. There are more prices I have to pay. I can't take decisions on my own. Yes, Sayak, ask Payal. I can't take decisions on my own. It's not that someone else has to decide for me. But I need someone to be the deciding factor! And when you are single, you don't have the deciding factor! Single at heart. I can feel it. I don't love anyone now. Why did I feel that I have reached my breaking point? Because I thought I was cracking. I thought so. In my mother tongue, "matha kharap hoye jachchhe; pagol hoye jachchhi". I felt that a while ago. Not anymore. I know I am doing whatever I want to do. And then I am trying to reverse my actions. Not because I regret them. Last year, at Christmas, I had freaked out on Payal. I had reversed my action, without regretting whatever I shouted at her. Because it was necessary. Damn. Dholna. I don't like the song. Ok, I have changed it. Dooriyaan. Last time it was played on my computer, I wasn't in my room. I was running water from the tap to cut off the sounds coming from my room. I would be lying if I say I was OKAY then. But I had control over what I allowed my mind to think. (think, mind you, not feel). A while ago, I didn't have that control. Now, thanks to my fucking blog, I have it once again. I am thinking clearly now. I still haven't decided what I want for new year, what I want TILL new year. Going with the flow might seem an easy thing to do. But, there's no flow at the moment. And going with the flow isn't me. I make things happen. Why have I stopped that? I dunno. I feel that I have started being myself after two years. But I can't ignore what I see. I see that I am not what I was two years ago. I am more cynical. Whatever people tag as "rude", is what my fellow "researchers" call an outburst, and...what do I call them? I dunno. I can't call it an outburst. I was calm. I had an outburst when Sayak and Diya were talking. I was quiet. But I was shaking all over, and I was crying. I mean the external crying thing, the tears and the choking and all that. That was an outburst. Not last night. Not now. Breaking point, because I am losing my mind. I don't even know whether what I think is right or wrong. I don't give a damn, I say. But, two years ago, I would have given a damn. Knowing myself thoroughly was important to me. Now it isn't anymore. You see, I am not being entirely truthful with with myself. But this is true. I am back to pathological lying, at least. I am back to "FREEDOM". Sayak would say a lot of things right now. But, no, he is a fellow researcher, he can't be right. None of us have achieved what we thought we would. And both of us are experts at making mistakes. Mistakes that give us pleasure. I just made a mistake. I lost my mind. And made a mistake. I don't give a shit now. I don't need to make things happen. If love had the capability to be affected by psychokinesis, a lot things would not have happened, a larger lot of things would have. That proves that at least three relationships on my mind aren't love. I have been in one of them, years ago. That wasn't love. Even the other two aren't, either. I can't tell myself I am not in love, and expect myself to fall out of love gradually. I don't need to do anything. I can go with the flow. I can go on doing what I want to do. Even if I want to do two contrary things at the same time. And I am feeling two contrary emotions at the same time. Attraction and Indifference. Attraction VERSUS Indifference! Whatever it is, it isn't love, thankfully. I have been in love for too long to know the symptoms, when I have them. This isn't love. And I am glad it isn't so. Goddamn it.
Sayak, we both have been in the breaking point for a long time. We have been in the breaking point all this time, we still are. I just realized it, just now. Look back at everything we said, we did. And what was that property that matter loses when it reaches it's breaking point? Elasticity? Or tensile strength? Remind me. It's important.

Faith

I used to give a lot of importance to faith. Now, I don't, because it's definition has changed for me. I tell two different things to two different people. It doesn't mean that I am lying to one, and telling the truth to the other. What if both are completely contrary to each other, yet both are completely true? With the dual nature of every fucking thing, it's impossible to have faith in one, and not the other. The dual nature of matter, the dual nature of thoughts. I'll read up the e = mc^2 thing once again, and show you exactly how it applies to the real-life incidents I am going through. I won't say I fluctuate, when I say two contrary things at the same time. I am not lying when I say I don't love someone anymore. I am not lying, either, when I say that the mention of Andamans made me sad. I am not lying when I say "Trifles matter". I am not lying either, when I say "Nothing matters."
It's been a a high adrenaline rush for me the past few days. I didn't sleep, fortunately. Last night, when I actually went to SLEEP at 4am (not the going unconscious, due to fatigue) I had a series of nightmares again. I remember two/three distinctly. I saw a man raping my maid servant. I saw a child cutting open his genital organs and smiling at the discoveries. Then there was a window through which all my friends were jumping out, and killing themselves. It was fun. And I was the observer. It was all happening in dark rooms. All the dark rooms were inside the same building, and I was walking from one room to another, just seeing things. I wasn't even scared or traumatized at the sights. I was just observing. Technically I can't call it a nightmare, because I wasn't scared in the dream. I was just blank when I woke up around 10. I didn't even feel anything. I just remembered facts. But you see, it's a good sign. I am being successfully stoic, not just in reality, but in my dreams too!
Today morning, again, a few hopes, and a few fears came true. Weighing them, again, the fears are more in proportion. Strange things did happen, as usual. Strange, because they were neither hopes, nor fears; in short: unexpected! Whatever happened reminded me of the days and events when I used to have more faith in my faith in a person, than my faith in what I read or hear. I believed that if she is saying two different things to me and another person, she must be lying to the other one. I will believe in what she tells me, and not what she tells others. Then I realized, that she believed in what she told others. Then I thought, that maybe, she is lying to herself too. Now, it has been 4 days that the "half-alien-half-human" fellow people have been telling me that I am lying to myself too. I introspected. I had the perfect field of research on Christmas Eve. I realized that I am not lying to myself, I believe in both. So what's in faith then? Is it about what you believe in more? Yeah, I know I can differentiate between both my feelings, and weigh them, and even tell anyone which is more truer than the other. But, then, the other, is a result of the former! For example: You start hating a person, after a series of events, because you used to love the person. The hatred comes only because love was unfulfilled. It doesn't erase the love away, it adds to it. It might get bigger than love, and over-shadow it, but it can't erase love, because love as its source! You might say, that love itself might evolve into hatred. Then love wont exist anymore, would it? Then, there can be another way to explain it. Hatred is nothing but a different form of love. (Ayn Rand would agree to it) But, if we go by the lexicon for a moment Love and Hatred are supposed to antonyms. So, then, in my example, which is more true? The love or the hatred? None. Both can be contrary to each other. Yet both can be as intensely true as the other. Therefore, faith is an unrealistic concept!
I will spend a completely unproductive day today, again. I have to try and get a grip on my auxiliary desires, for a moment. Off to get Criss now.

Post Christmas, Pre New Year

It's 11pm. Soon, it's gonna be the midnight between 25th December and 26th December. Since I watched the movie Love Actually, Christmas reminds me of the hopes and fears. Movies are so silly, that's what I realize again now. But then, this is not final; as within a few minutes, you might find me arguing against my own statement over the phone! That's the biggest paradox. The existence of opposites. Every opinion, every judgement has a opposite, which, if seen with the right eye, is as RIGHT as it's counter one. We need peace. We need war. We need happiness, we need sorrow. What makes human beings 'humane' is that they always stick to one face of every coin. When a person can see both faces of the coin, he loses his most important humane characteristic. He has two options to choose from, then. To choose from, to consider. That is not difficult, that is impossible. You have to see both the pros and cons, and know that both are equal in weight. Man cannot take that. He has two alternatives. If I consider this ability to dual-see, a "power", he can use it to be a big fat villain, or a sad, pensive man. Now, if I consider this ability as a "weakness", he has only one alternative. To lose his sanity. Losing sanity again has two alternatives. When you lose your sanity, you lose your conscience too, I presume. You can do what you want to do, without giving a damn. Alternative two: you can mourn over your insanity and try to recover, in whatever unthinkable way possible. Unthinkable, because once you can see two sides of every event, it's tough to train your mind not to see one of them. It's tougher to accept that the two sides exist in your vision, and only yours. You feel like an alien in a sea of humans, or rather, you like a lonely human in a sea of aliens! I, for one, have been luckier. I have half-alien-half-human people around me. People who can dual-see most of the times. I have lost my sanity, there's no doubt about it. But, I can't comment further upon it. I needed an answer to a question before I could explore this. An answer that I won't probably get till tomorrow morning, when I will be far, far away from my blog.
So, how has it been the last few days?
I bought books worth more than a grand, on 24th morning. The best Christmas gift I ever gave myself (and the most expensive too!). I watched Avatar in 2D with Puspen and his friends. It was a disappointment. I tried watching it in 3D with Sayak a number of times, but haven't succeeded yet, thanks to the size of the Indian population. I watched the much-speculated-about movie 3 Idiots. I knew I was watching one of the best edited movies ever, but I got distracted half way through it. I had rabbit flesh today afternoon; it was awful: full of bones and all. I had red wine, for the second time in my life today. And it was equally bad as the first time. I tried two new alcoholic exploits (taught by Sayak). Burning shots, and a bottle thing, which basically is an inhalation of alcoholic smoke. I learnt that all my smoking and chain-smoking have been superficial. The way I inhale the smoke is, according to Sayak, not exactly the deep breathing thing it's supposed to be. Which means, fortunately or unfortunately, all the tobacco smoke I have had so far, hasn't traveled beyond my oesophagus (the chamber where the wind pipe and the food pipe meet). Which means, my lungs, and hence my blood, haven't had any taste of nicotine yet. We concluded, that I don't deep breathe ever, in general. I don't know how to breathe properly! So I have to join the Art Of Living classes, to learn to deep-breathe, so that I can eventually learn to smoke. Imagine, Art Of Living is teaching how to smoke!
I had two wild nights. Well, not exactly wild, let's say "eventful". People staying over at my place is definitely "fun". Period. I have finally stopped being the omni-planner of the lot. I didn't plan anything, and no one else did, either. If you ask me, whether everyone had a great time, without me planning everything, I would say NO. (But not proudly, mind you) It wasn't a Christmas like time, it was just as usual for everyone. So, people who usually have great days, had a great day. People who usually have bad days, had a bad day. People who have I-dunno-days, had a I-dunno-day!
Now, new year ahead. One lesson that the past one week taught me is that, thinking is really unnecessary. Few hopes get fulfilled. But a larger number of fears get so. And when most of your fears come true, you can't even protest, because, when you admit that you had feared it, you also admit that you had expected it. Can you complain against something that you were expecting? No. What gives us pleasure, is when good things happen unexpectedly. So, there's no use planning, right? But then, I also believed in making things happen, didn't I? I am doing both right now. I am making things happen to some extent (to some extent), and giving up on all planning and all (to some extent, again). In short, I am contradicting my own self every minute. Insanity, you see! My fellow half-alien-half-humans share this. Laughing and crying at the same time. Fearing and hoping at the same time. Trying and giving up at the same time. It's impossible to do just one. Humans would call it being confused, I know. But it isn't. It's just a form of dual existence. We all are going through the same phase, Disha had said. "You and her are so similar", I had said. Both of us disagreed with what each of us said. But, then, it's physics, you know. Universal. We both were right. Love and physics. We both were right.

Stopping thinking, and it's outcome.

I have failed in achieving the target I had set for myself. I was supposed to finish a book by tonight. I haven't gone beyond a chapter. I decided to sleep and watch movies as much as I could. so that, I am so bored of it all, that I don't have any other option, but to study. New strategy. One that's very favorable to me (sarcasm to be noted). I'm very unlikely to be bored of watching movies, ever. Any of my well-wishers, if they knew, would say that if I complete my graduation, I can pursue film-making, and watch as many movies a day as I want to. But, then, this sort of philosophy is what I despise. I don't believe in postponing your desires, for the better. I think it's just giving yourself a poor excuse because you don't have the guts to do what to want. that brings me to the more important question of what do I want to do now? I took up economics at a college, a year ago. Did I want to? Yes, I did. I have no objections against economics, I love it, in fact. Then, now, why don't I study? Is it just that I need someone to make me sit down to study? Definitely not. Maybe, I discovered something that I love more than economics. That sort of thing always happens with me. So, what do I now if I love something more than economics? I still need to finish my graduation to achieve that. Let me work on it. Rambling about my academic dilemma is not what I wanted to do, when I opened this page. I knew I needed to write. I didn't, and I don't know what I want to write.
Yesterday, I watched a late night show of the recent Bollywood flick, Rocket Singh: Salesman Of The Year. It was a good one, given by the standards of our local audience. But, I found it a disappointing attempt to make one of those "something different" movies that has taken to our industry of late. Everything was very predictable in the movie, I knew what would happen next, and to my disappointment, that did happen. Anyway, I watched my first Collin Farell movie today afternoon: In Bruges. The guy is natural. I didn't feel I was watching a man, acting out a character, while watching him on the screen. I felt I was watching a live footage of a real chain of events. His facial expressions, his vocal expressions, his way of crying, everything seemed to be done as if he wasn't aware of the camera in front. I have to watch more of his movies to appreciate him fully. But I've heard he's compared to Brad Pitt, so my expectations are already high. Hope it doesn't ruin the final impression!
Christmas is round the corner. Except for Payal's absence, everything seems to be great. Sayak, Disha, Puspen, Sritama, and my cousin Picco are on. Our plan is to go to St. Paul's cathedral, and then Park street, where we'll have turkey and red wine for dinner. I have to add something more to the whole plan, to fill up the apparent empty spaces. I know what I want to add. (It's what I want everyone to do on Christmas, not what I want). But, I'm scared it might not turn out to be possible. I will make the preparations, and then surprise the others. Hence, not mentionable here! But, I know I will badly miss Payal, I am already missing her.
I had written "stop thinking" on my desktop notepad, a few days ago. It turns out that I have actually stopped thinking. Except for a few instances, when my nerves went out of control, I have been numb all throughout, all days.
I had been planning to go on a holiday this weekend, since a long time. But, now that Friday is only hours away, I have run out of money. And the farthest I can go, is to Durgapur, to my other family; that's where I inevitably go when I run out of money!
I am listening to a lot of music these days. Rupam's new album re-asserts the fact he is bad at music, he is great at lyrics.
I went to Disha's place today. We had a discussion about Kareena Kapoor's prospects of winning this year's award for the Best Actress. It's what it should be, we agreed. But, with all the commercial valuation going on about it, Katrina Kaif, the girl who doesn't even take acting seriously, will win it for any of the two silly performances in New York, or Ajab Prem Ki Ghajab Kahani. Konkona Sen Sharma might also win it for Wake Up Sid. Konkona is good, but she didn't have to act in Wake Up Sid. She was playing what she actually is. An ugly, yet "mature" girl (note the pun in quotes). I remembered watching a music video last night. It was the song Raat Ka Nashaa from the movie Asoka. When Kareena Kapoor's character was remembering the memories of love-making with Asoka, the expressions on her face, and more importantly, her body, were exactly exact! I wondered why I never noticed this actress before. I haven't watched a more exact performance of getting "aroused by memories", ever in my life.
Anyway, fingers crossed. We'll all go to watch the James Cameroon movie Avatar some day soon. As of now, the group includes Amrita from my class, Puspen, Sayak, and Puspen's friend Raunaq Sahu, and probably, Disha. This movie will be important to me in a way, I just have this feeling. I still don't see any reason why it should be of any importance to me at all! I am just scared of the prospect of going to watch it. That's the word. I am scared. I dunno why, if I knew, I wouldn't be scared anymore. But then, I have stopped thinking. So, I can't expect to know myself anymore. Everything comes with a price.

The Hangover

My health is going no good. No food for 48 hours, and yet an upset stomach. I've wanting to write here day before yesterday. But people kept calling for hours, till I was sleepy, and the blog had to be skipped. Then, after all the things on board have been destroyed by the storm, I got a view of an island to go to and anchor on. I set off towards it, and I fell asleep. When I woke up, it was too late. I missed the only opportunity I had in days, and I might have at all, in more days to come.
Yesterday, met Diptyajit (will refer to him as DJ henceforth) after a long time. After a lot of silent wondering on how to talk about "it", he informed me that had been reading my blog, so he has an idea. Inevitably, I got drunk. I didn't misbehave like the previous day (not my previous getting drunk, but my previous getting drunk with DJ, but I did forget my "rules" when I got a call. She missed it. She could have got everything out then, if she wasn't disgusted with my being drunk. But, it's good. I would have felt worse off, if I had let everything out, not getting anything back in return! Anyway, DJ switched off my cell, and hid it, and left a note on my desktop, in case I don't find it after I wake up. I remember hugging him like I did Aditi Aunty on 5th December. It's the kind of hug, which you give someone stronger than you, your hands tight on his/her shoulder, your head firm on his/her chest or shoulder (varies with the person's height) and you using all your energy to squeeze out tears. I don't remember anything much, though. I see the need bookmark on my browser, and remember, slowly, all the discussions about his life, that we had. He had left by 6pm, I had dropped dead within half an hour from then. I didn't throw up, which means I could have had more. I woke up at 11pm and had a pleasant hangover. I was my sarcastic smirking self again, only with a bit more intensity! Stayed awake till 3am, and my head was clear by then. Then I forced myself to go to sleep. I had a lot of dreams. I remember two of them distinctly. They were too good to be true. Absurdly real dreams. Had people like Hamza (a classmate) and Yealeena (an ex-classmate) in the roles of villains in the dream. But, I won, in the end. The second dream was even more real. It was about waking up, and calling her up, and hearing a freaked out voice, actually breaking good news to me. When I did wake up, after that, I had trouble understanding why her name didn't appear on the top of the call lists. I woke up at 5:30am. It's 7am now, and I've been having an awful nausea since I woke up. I also realized what has been troubling my mouth slightly till yesterday. It's a recurrence of what had happened many months ago. An infection in the corner upper jaw gum. I'll go to Disha's place today, I think. Oh, she lost her wallet again! Anyway, I've got everything out. And wonder why I didn't erase her from all it, like I have been swearing to do, in the last few posts. Am I still having a hangover? Absurd!

Prologue

Aah, I see that's your way of telling me things, eh? Hmm. Pretty much my way, you know. Anyway, since there has been a few certain things, that I haven't told you, I'm pretty sure, there are, and will be, as of now, as yet, things that you wouldn't tell me. What's good about it? The fact that they are the the same thing. It's the same thing that we are NOT talking about. What's bad about it? I feel like deleting my previous posts, all of them, because I have drawn conclusions, which I shouldn't have, knowing that you're not telling me certain things, and also knowing why you aren't telling me, I should have refrained myself from making a lot of those statements that I made herein. I know now, which of them are true, which aren't. But, then again, I won't write them or tell them. I'll just have a hearty laugh. At Romo's statement of my being a director of every relationship. She was right, because yeah, that's what I have always wanted to. She was wrong, because that's what I've never succeeded in being. And I'm glad that it it's so. I strongly believe in the rules of the universe. The fact that I get what I want, still happens. That's the first rule. But I don't get it the way I want it. That's the second rule, so that's good too!

Breakdown

Too short a time to be back on this fucking page again. But then, yeah, fucking page, as this is, it has played an important role. Ever since the first day of its conception. I have used this to say things which I couldn't say over the chat window, or over the phone. It had some use. Over last few days, I had resorted to selective publishing. And anyone who has read every post, would know why. The person whom I wanted to tell everything to, didn't want to exist on this page. That's practically impossible, but virtually very possible! Whatever has been happening since the last few WEEKS, has been a great experience for me. A great, and varied and enlightening one. For starters, I have gone back to my school days form, when I considered telling people about my own life was a shameful thing to do. I have learnt IMMENSE self-control, yeah. I have become more confident about a few things, and more focussed towards a few others. And last, but not the least, I have experienced new emotions, new feelings, and new thoughts. I can't say I have changed, no. I have started being myself even more than I was being the last one year. Myself? Yeah, I have started enjoying solitude, like I used to do, till this "person" came into life, and filled up every fucking moment so much so, that I couldn't bear the idea of being without her for a moment. I have no shame in admitting that I had become like a kid, depending on one person for every easy decision to be made, from whether to watch a movie or not, whether to talk to a person or not, and even, whether to brush my teeth or not! I can't say I have started making these decisions on my own again. I have just started giving a shit about everything else. Which is good, you see. The lesser number of things you let into your life, the lesser the inconviniences in their absences.
I have been telling myself that I have had outbursts in the last few weeks. I have been calling those days of uncontrollable shaking of legs as my "outburst" days. Till today. I had a real breakdown today. It wasn't a shaking thing. It was worse, if I'm allowed to compare. I have always believed that the body has nothing to do with the person, it's only the mind that matters. So, when I had no control over my physical behavior, I was glad I had my mind in my control. Today, my mind went out of my control. No, no, not fluctuations. Fluctuations happen when you have varied thoughts at varied points of time. I'm not talking about that. That's an old story. I'm talking about a breakdown. A Complete Breakdown. Where the mind is without thoughts. Yeah, I cried a lot. A LOT! I guess it was because I wasn't prepared, I wasn't expecting it, blah blah. The very thought of it, still hurts, right. But, no, I'm not going to give you the pleasure of reading my thoughts anymore. You have probably been reading my previous posts too, the last 3-4 ones, about which you haven't mentioned anything to me. Your voice over the phone, the way you disconnected, and most importantly, today morning, it all marks the end of the last few weeks. You're not gonna tell me anything anymore. Yeah, you will, tell me unimportant repetitive things, when you need to talk to me to cheer yourself up. Like you already did twice, since your exams started. You'll not tell me the important things anymore. The last straw I held on, you're taking it away. But then, that's what you want, I know. You don't want me to hope for anything, that you know for sure, is never gonna happen. No, I'm not blaming you. I have been in your place a few years ago. I know how awfully normal and natural this is. I won't repeat mistakes. I know what I want. Ask Puspen, he'll tell you how clear I am about my priorities (he envies that, you see). I know what to do now.
I've started doing it, before you did. I have been hiding a lot of tings, before you started hiding things. (It wasn't too difficult, with our reduced conversations!)I have been lying about things, before you started doing it. Just like you think you're doing it for my good (which is absolutely wrong, but I understand) even I had thought it was for your good that I was doing them, and I made sure I tell your best friend everything, so that I don't feel guilty about it. Poor way of thinking, I have, isn't it? Poor excuses I give myself. But, anyway, no more of telling your best friend, no more of guilt. There aren't going to be anymore truths to hide, anymore of "our secrets". Why didn't I guess it long ago, Facebook had shown me the truth long ago. And I was so sure taht you are more faithful than Facebook. :) I am laughing at my innocence now. Never mind, never mind. Now, you'll be having more of "ki re kono shara shobdo nei sharadin?" days from me. You were playing with me. Since long. ( I know, that you don't know what you're doing, so don't bother to freak out!) I've been taking it, because I loved you, and I didn't give a shit about what you did with me. Now, today, I quit the game. I had a breakdown. I am broken. And you've got no use of a broken toy. You've gotta let it go. Bye.

Detached.

I woke up awfully today. But, that's just the waking up, and the going to bed. They are the only two times in the whole day, when I am in an awful state. Rest of the day, I don't give a shit about who I am, where I am, what am I doing, or what am I going through. I watch movies, talk to random people, chat with people, far and near, read some good stuff, meet some people, and period, the day's over. I don't give a thought to what's happening around me. So, even though, ENORMOUS things have happened in the last 24 hours, (thingS, plural, mind you) I have been detached from them when they were happening. I was pretending, you might say. But then I don't give a shit to that too, you know. I don't give a shit to what exactly is going on. So, I can't care lesser about the word value now!). I know for myself, that I'm not lying about anything. To anyone. If I'm smiling, it's smirk, and not a fake smile. If I am talking, it's a test I think I must pass, and not a show of fake friendliness. I can't call it pretension anymore, because of it's basic honesty. What I am calling it, is detachment. I am watching myself from a random passerby's view. I am detached from myself. So, I can't talk about myself anymore, not anymore.
The other half of my family: Disha and Puspen. I would like to talk about them. But I respect their privacy, and I respect mine too. I can't make their lives public, true. Even truer is the fact that I can't afford to attach myself to the things that mean something big to me, things such as THEM.
I watched two good movies on the two previous nights. The first one, and the better one is The Sleepers, starring people like Brad Pitt, Robert De Niro and Dustin Hoffman. But neither the star cast, nor their acting skills had anything to do with the movie. It was the story, the dialogues and the screenplay that made the impact.
The second one is The Insider. Al Pacino and Russel Crowe, Pacino being in the role of a supporting actor. It revolved around true-life incidents and true life characters, such as the Brown & Williamson Tobacco Company, and Dr. Jeffrey Wigand. Russel Crowe was pretty good, I guess. (I haven't seen him this way before, and I haven't seen him in any more than 2-3 movies) There were a few meaningful dialogues too, but the movie didn't have any overall effect that I can talk about.
Let's see what I watch now. I have become an expert at doing things I never thought I could make myself do. Be it being alone, or be it, not being alone. I'm doing too many things that I can't make myself do, if I give a shit about what's going on within me. I dunno if that's called being strong or being weak. Maybe, it's called weakening, with the pressure of showing strength. No, no, I can't talk about it. I just recovered a few hours ago. Distract and detach your mind, dude. Let's see. I'll watch something now. Or rather, read.

Delayed Neural Responses and Deceptions

Phew! Finally, I am here. I had said I'd come back the previous night I made the last post, but I didn't. Since then, till the last weekend, I couldn't have written anything, subtracting one person from all of it, because that one person is all that had happened. Weekend saw me preparing for a quiz, which I intended to do well, genuinely. I worked hard too. Then Sunday happened. I remember an incident my Samudra Da (whom I've always called just "Dada") had told me. He was on his way back to Durgapur from the Burdwan University. He was standing on the railway platform, waiting for the train. There were a lot of people from Durgapur (faces he knew very well, and faces he barely knew) on the platform, as there usually is. There was this guy he knew from his street-life days, who was standing too near the edge of the platform. One of those super-fast non-stop express trains came, and passed away. No one gave it much notice. Except the men standing around the man too near the edge. The air pressure had pulled him farther towards the edge. He had fallen on the ground. One whole leg lying on the platform, attached to his body. One half of the other leg lay bloodstained, down in the tracks, the other upper half being attached to his body. Slowly, everyone noticed him. No one said a word for a while. This man himself, didn't scream, or cry or anything. He used his hands to drag himself down onto the tracks, and then he took the leg in his hands, and tried fixing it back to the other half of it. Stupefied, and then hysterical, he continued doing it, till he gradually realized what had actually happened. By then even people had started to scream. What had surprised my Dada was the fact, that, he had felt no pain when a part of his limb broke away. Welcome to our nervous system. When something unexpectedly awful happens, our nervous system remains too shocked to react. Call it "numbness", in my literary version. Gradually, it absorbs the truth, and then, gradually, it reacts, sending signals to the brain about how painful it actually is. Then, the brain signals the rest of the body to shake or cry or whatever. That's exactly my previous Sunday evening for you. My brain had actually comprehended what had actually happened on Monday morning. And, after a long time, I did something utterly selfish. I realized I shouldn't go out, shouldn't meet people, and LEAST OF ALL, meet Shauvik, my quiz partner. I would have made irreversible mistakes if I met him. I tried to sleep off the trauma. I failed. Minutes before the quiz began, I told Shauvik that I'm deserting him. He went alone, and won the second position. Then I went to college, and faced worse. As usual, I did a good job of pretending to be cool with everything. But then I did make a few mistakes today: a few of those "bare-truth-before-you" moments. And then I was alone in a movie hall, again, and before the movie had started, I found my eyes wet!
Apart from this incident, there has been others too, the days were as normal as everyday, and at the same time, happening for the first time. 5th December, for example. Till the next day evening I didn't feel any gratitude towards the person who did everything to ensure I have a bad time on the day supposed to be my birthday. For me, it was just a normal day, a day, when I have to smile all throughout, even when the pain's choking me out of my breath. After that, I got feedback from the people who participated, and I was feeling grateful. I couldn't thank the organizer in person, because I wasn't sure if I'd realize I'm lying, the very moment I'd use the words. But I am grateful for what was done. It doesn't matter now, whether I liked what was done. I am glad it was done. A big controversy, there. But no, as I mentioned in the very beginning, till this weekend, very little of what happened is unrelated to that one person. So, I can't write down the exact truth about what exactly happened on 5th December, and what exactly I felt. Which is a pity, because this was one place, where I wrote down everything, everything that I couldn't tell Disha, Payal, Puspen etc. Not because I love to express, but because I want to keep track of the things I'm going through. I want to keep track of the process of my own growth. Anyway, it's okay. I'll store it in my mind.
[well, i did write it, and then deleted the whole paragraph; this is the edited version]
I did meet Puspen before all of it happened, and told him the basic details of what was going on right then, what had happened till then. He was reminded of nearly similar things he had to go through.
A few days ago, I was walking on an orange-lamp-lit-road, my eyes following my shadow. I observed that I look too young to be a twenty-year old. On the contrary, I feel too old for a twenty-year old. The thought can't be categorized into pleasant or unpleasant, but it did depress me, for a minute.
I had some good food in the past few days. I met someone yesterday. She had made my day. Only that, she made yesterday the first day in a month, that I cried myself to sleep. She reminded me, at night of course, of all the people I have lost. Though she had been the best thing that happened all day, by the time I fell asleep, I regretted meeting her. Delayed neural responses, as usual. Anyway, I don't need to write anything more, I'll recollect the rest from the previous two statements. I wish I could write each incident that happened since my last post, in greater detail. Each incident had meant a hell to me, and had started "chains of thoughts", you know. When I try to pen down things, I get to figure out a lot of un-figured-out feelings and thoughts. That's why I write. To have "clarity". It's the same way you need a pen and a paper to solve a complicated numerical problem. Some things are too complicated to be solved in your mind, without the help of a pen and paper. But then again, I'll manage without clarity. I don't need to find out the answers to the questions that kept hitting me last evening. [ The most common ones were- Disha and Puspen, will they be together in the end? Victoria Memorial, why? Taj Mahal, why was it in that movie song? Sayak, isn't he better off? Me, what am I doing here? What does this very moment mean? Should I go away? Should I stay? ] I will manage without the answers. Ah, I'll manage without peace of mind! I am strong! And I tell myself, that it's all going to be insignificant.
I am not OK with it. I am not at all OK, in any remote way. But then, when was I ever OK with things that are actually good for me?
I am glad I hadn't done what I wanted to do yesterday, at 4pm, at Park Street. First, I had wanted to hit the bike I was sitting on. Then I wanted to text someone and let out all the anger in words (slangs, actually). Then, I wanted to cry. Then I wanted to run away. I didn't do any of them. I asked Sayak to help me to get away from it. He was too engrossed in the latest theories on Diya, to care. And I'm grateful for that. I'm glad, like I was on 5th December.
Do you know why I walk behind the two of you? So that I get to see "it". The look in your eyes, the holding of hands, everything. The more I see it, the tighter my throat gets. I like that feeling, you know.
It's so easy to deceive, and it's so much more easier to get deceived.

Bored. GODDAMN IT!

She went offline. I'm back here. I just realised what I told Picco today afternoon. I'm bored. For the first time in 19 years, I admit, I am bored. I used to pride myself on the belief that I am the only person I know who can never get bored, because I can make things happen. I can. But now, all I've gotta do is wait. And waiting...well, this time, it's more trying. This is going to be the most difficult thing. More difficult that standing at Tollygunj from 3pm-6pm on a summer evening. More difficult than telling your ex-girl-friend's new boy-friend what to do, and when to do. This is worse, this is more difficult. And while I'me facing it, (and not evading it) I am bored. I tried studying yesterday. I changed subjects till I gave up. I found all taht boring. I watched movies at night, but I remember, I know how often I controlled the temptation to turn the computer off. I found the goodness in Mumbai Meri Jaan boring. I found the emotional scenes unworthy of going through. I found the scary happenings in The Uninvited unworthy of my fear. The only reason I watched the movies was to keep myself awake till 7:30am, for some noble purpose. I was bored of sleeping after that. I was bored of trying tomend my computer. I didn't go to watch the movies I had planned to, because the idea of watching them felt boring. I re-watched Inglorious Basterds with Picco n Dadabhai. That felt refreshing, though. After that, I skipped going to meet a friend to collect my long-ago-lent books. The idea of going out felt boring. But, that's not really important. Typing this feels boring. Or rather, worthless. But at least I'm doing something. If I didn't watch Inglorious Basterds, maybe I would have gone to collect the books, and watched an evening show as well. I need to do what I should do. I need to keep doing something or the other. So I will. The thought of being idle isn't too lucrative too!
Farmville now. Will drop by again later tonight. Doing for the sake of doing it.

Building. Breaking. And, Building Again.

I had resolved in my last post that I won't write down anything anymore. Despite the long gap, and, despite the events that followed, that still holds. I will write about everything else. Just subtract one person from all of it. Delete one colour from life, in someone's language. What I write is what I think. I have decided t quit smoking a number of times, but I never wrote it anywhere, because I knew it was never strong enough. I remember how Jojo Da had publicly resolved to quit smoking months ago, and restarted it no sooner. When my resolution is strong enough, I'll make a public announcement too. No, not public. Textual, to be exact. My blog isn't public property, it's something very private. Very very private.
Okay, in a nutshell, whatever happened during my absence from online life, will be mentioned serially. Since I have to erase the "sense" from all of it, it will be pretty precise.
1. For the first time, I considered taking up short-story writing, since poetry doesn't have a market, and I don't have time enough for novels. Not yet, not before I stop being a student. Short-story writing...well, haven't tried anything yet. But, let's see. I am not going to give up poetry, I can't. I don't decide to rite them, the words just form in my mind. But, I won' publish any of them, as of now.
2. The much-awaited 1st year results came out. I never saw them. I have got the marksheet, but I haven't seen that too. I have heard my marks from two people respectively. I have secured just the pass mark, but surprisingly, I have passed in Computer Science, the paper which I actually submitted blank. Never mind, it was a miracle, both in a good way, and a bad way. It was unexpected. And I like unexpected things.
3. I am the "proud" owner of a touchphone now. Samsung Corby. My mother bought it for me. I wanted the money, not the phone. So, I'm more inclined to hate it. But, this is the first cell that has been bought by Mum, the first cell I can carry around, without feeling that it's illegal.
4. My computer showed me that it's frequency of mood fluctuations is not too lower than mine. It crashed, I formatted it, it crashed again, I formatted it again. And so on. Right now, it's been 2 hours since my 10/11th format in a month. Let's see, again.
5. I've read my much-dreamt-of A House For Mr. Biswas by V. S. Naipaul. I was disappointed.
6. I've read the much-acclaimed The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. It was a disappoinment, in the sense that it didn't "affect" me. The person who asked me to read it, said that it was the best book he ever read, and he was convinced that it would chnag a few things about the way I look at life, etc. None of that happened. Arundhuti Roy's God Of Small Things still remain my best book ever.
7. Studies notwithstanding, I watched three movies consecutively last night. The first one was the best. Mumbai Meri Jaan. A not-so-well directed, a not-so-well shot film about a not-so-important-to-me issue. Yet, I loved it. It did have its desired effect on me. All I can say about the director is, he has learnt human psychology perfectly. I won't comment on his film-making skills, because it was alow budget film, so I dunno what constraints he might have had. Next I watched a horror film titled The Uninvited. A normal psycho-thriller. I realised during the movie, and after the movie, that I'm bored of horror films. I find the "fear factor" irritating. Last, I watched Snatch. It's Brad Pitt's much-acclaimed-by-Puspen movie. It was a smart movie, not too intense or effective. But I watched a completely unimaginable Brad Pitt. I can't compare him to my favourite, AL Pacino. But, I'm beginning to believe that he's an equally good actor. No, not good. GREAT!
8. I am very tempted to end this post with a personal touch. But I have to restrain myself to a permissible extent. I have had a lot of surprises of late, mostly from myself. When I am thinking that I am doing great, I'm not insecure, nothing, something unexpected happens gives me the same choking, shivering urge to scream. Oh yeah, I forgot that. I don't cry anymore. People cry out of sorrow. I don't feel sorrow anymore. I feel pain. And I do what people do out of pain. I scream. Actually,no, not unexpected things; pretty much expected things happen, but they "affect", because that's probably exactly what I had been scared of. I know how confusing I sound. That's why I didn't want to write anything. Damn.
9. Dear studies, please make me fall in love with you. She has come online. And....well...The End.

Pain

I am not going to write anymore. Not anything about what's happening, what I'm doing, what I'm feeling. Because I don't want you to know. Because it's awfully painful to see that you just don't care, all of a sudden. I don't want to be Agnisakshi's Nana Patekar. Ok, forget movies. I don't want to be Sritama's Sourav Sadhu. I talked to her, and drew the similarities. I can open a new blog, and start writing there, and not give anyone the link. but no, you were right, ok. I wrote only to let you know. But I don't, anymore. I really don't want you to know anything anymore, because I can't take THIS. I had a successful day today. I was not pretending anything today. I was myself today. I am still being myself. With myself, with you, with him, with everyone. And being myself, with my self, I am saying that I don't want to tell you anything anymore. Of course, with that examination blackmail you'll do tome (you already did) I'll be in touch with you, as usual. But, minimal. I won't ping you when you come online. I won't text you (unless I am in a state as I was in today afternoon at Aditi aunty's place), and I won't call you (unless that's the first thing I do in the morning, when I'm so sleepy that I actually don't remember a thing except that I have to call you up). BBye. Picco has come. To my rescue. HE'll make me laugh. And then he'll leave. And I'll have that uninterrupted feeling of being stifled by big fat hands.

History

I ought to change my blog header. ASAP. Mission Pretension terminated. Crap. Another Mission started. Feels like that. I don't want to write anything. Because I don't want you, fucking you to read what's on my mind. Ok? It's just the same story all over again. He'll leave, and then break up, and then you'll come back. And now, of course you need me as a fucking friend. The silver ling: I'll realise that I never loved you. Of course. The crack. You are repeating R. Do whatever you want to. I've stopped living in my make-believe world. I know that I had mood swings when you were there. Now, there won't be any mood swings. One blank, long, uninterrupted stretch of uninterrupted depression. Crap. I don't love you. I don't feel that yet. But I will, after you come back. I have been through this before. I was being a fool, I was subjecting myself to my destiny (something I'm not used to doing. I make things happen). I won't have the same story repeat. I know I'll realise some day that I never love you. So right now, right away I must start telling myself that. I don't love you. I don't love you. Crap. I won't gain anything. Out of anything. Nothing good will ever happen to me. I don't need to have good things happening to me. I have had six months with you, and six years with R. They should be enough. I stop it right now. I don't need anyone. I don't need happiness. I don't need friends. In any case they are your friends. They call me yup and ask me about you. You and him. I don't need your friends. If I could live 17years of my life without friends, I can live 17 more years without friends too. I don't need to live any longer. My work will be done. I dunno what work I'm talking about. That doesn't matter. I'll figure that out. Th surgery, of course is secondary, as of now. I would have started saving money right away if I was so focussed. But Goddammit, I wasn't. You dare to point out that I didn't believe in "our money" concept? Don't you. After all this time, making me feel guilty is the last thing you have the right to. Why am I talking to you? You're over. You're gone. And I don't care. I have to be stoic. You're gone. No more of you. You're in some other college, studying some other subject; I don't need to be in touch with you anymore than I need to be in touch with Dodan and Saheli. I don't love you. So I won't do what I do. What I have done all these fucking months. I will get drunk today. The bell has rung. Finally. You don't dare to ask me why I freaked out today, do you? Why did I stop pretending today? You were better off when I was pretending. You don't have the right to. You were the only person who had the right to. I don't give you the right anymore. You don't care now, do you? You'll say yeah, I know. But, I'm not taking it. I don't see any need t be good with you or him or anyone anymore. No Payal, no Disha, no Dehsraj or Sritama. Disha will be there, probably. I will be doing injustice to her, because she came in when R was there. But she wouldn't have persisted in my life, if you hadn't come. DAMN. IT'S ALL CRAP. EVERYTHING IS MEANINGLESS. I shouldn't be in touch with Sayak too. For me he's someone from HSMS, in section B. If not for you, I wouldn't have ever cared for Sayak, I wouldn't have ewer cared to find out the details. Fuck all of 'em. You wanted to learn slangs, right? You don;'t need to, you know. Anger can be expressed without slangs too. And as he pointed out,I specialise in expressions. I have to get my rid of you. I won't express anything more then. Yeah! I am feeling slightly tipsy.
I am talking sense though. I have dine what Neema and Disha wanted me to do. Stay away from you. That would be a guy-like thing to do. Fuck them. They told me that going on loving you was feminine. Fuck them. They themselves, would never had had the strength to do what I was doing you know. Fuck them. I don't want to do tis. You know that. The very sight of you is what I survive on. Don't ask me if I loved R as much as this. I didn't. But whatever was the amount of love was, I thought that was the maximum possible. Then you came, and I did more "out-of-my-way" things. But I didn't think that it was the maximum possible. Whatever I thought. Even you thought that ten years later, you picture yourself in my arms. Thoughts don't count. Feelings don't. Emotions don't. Words don't. SMS-es don't. Late night phone calls don't. Nothing counts. Love doesn't count too. So what if you love someone who doesn't love you anymore? So what if she left you because she got bored of you. After making eternal crappy promises. Promises are meant to be broken, you used to say. I remember that. I should have remembered that when you said you'll never leave me. 15th January 2008. Damn. No, I don't want to remember dates. I have stopped remembering dates. FUCK DATES. They are numbers. They don't matter. Like 21st December 2012 doesn't matter. I've decided. I have reached my tolerance limit. (Actually I haven't, you know. I can still go to any extent to see you smile)I feel slightly drunk now. I am making typing mistakes too. My legs were shaking after i logged of the chat to "show" that I'm angry. And I kept wanting to login back, and apologise. I had to drink that whisky to stop myself. Why am I writing to you? You won't react. You love him now. And I know why you don't want to tell him every truth about me. I won't write it here, don't worry. By the way, I don't think "baby" is shallow. When I am in bad mood, and I'm talking to you in my mind, I do refer to as baby at times. No more of you. I dunno if I'll stop smoking. I'm too much of an idealist. Moreover, I want to die soon. His coming into your life has proved for once and all, the exact cycle my life is gonna go through, forever. The same cycle. The same story. What I'll call history will keep repeating itself. No use living. I'm a burden on mankind. I'll smoke. I'll drink. I'll take drugs too. I don't have any hope anything good, because I don't deserve any good. HAHAHAHAHA!! I'll laugh now. I am laughing. Long since. YAAAY!! HAHAHAHA!

Over-doing love

I'm back to my blog. I should have written here yesterday itself. I thought today wouldn't be too eventful, so I can always postpone it. Moreover, I was stressed with too much of pre-promised work to have the time for blogging.
What happened today, would be, in my usual boring words, "worse than before". Before I go into it, I should describe the previous couple of days. Proximity had over-powered Mission Pretension. I dunno if it was good or bad. Clearly, it was "good" for me. Having yourself unmasked (without any effort) is technically supposed to be good for one's psychology. What I dunno is, if its good for the future, for the "hope". Koushik Da pointed out in my previous post, that too much of confusion can cause permanent damage to the mind. Well, the confusion is inevitable, if not the damage!
[Break]
Here I am, back, after more than 48 hours of having written the above paragraph. That awful day is still fresh, I can still make myself cry, reminding myself of the FACTS. But, I'm not shaking anymore, like I was the day before yesterday. Moreover, I don't think I'm allowed to write them. But I want to.
Okay, back to what I had referred to as a couple of good days, it's all the result of stealing. Stolen money, stolen happiness. It had been so good, that during the last few hours of the "couple of days", I had started being myself with her. I didn't know when and how she unmasked me. Crying to her seems so natural. Even if she is the only one who insults me every time she sees me crying, she is the only person with whom I'm comfortable crying!
Anyway, I didn't write anything that night, because, I thought, there wouldn't be much happening the next day, so I might as well postpone my blog. Moreover, I was exhausted. I watched 2012 against all my better judgements, and it made me prioritise on her even more. These kinds of movies do this thing more than any romantic movie!
Mashallah! The next day, right in the morning, I heard about the Taj-Together plan, and I put my mask back. I was feeling bad, sad and sick when I met Sayak. I tried to smile at him. But whenever he wasn't looking, I had trouble keeping a straight face. Next thing that happened, was running into them. Hoo. It was unplanned, and unintentional, especially because I was ill-informed about certain things. He talked to Sayak. She talked to Sayak. I tried to deep breathe. I failed. I bent down twice to calm my stomach. I failed. I shuffled my feet a bit, trying to calm my legs. I failed. I was scared that my face betrayed it all. (Later I came to know, it didn't!). She "felt", and "saw" my legs shaking violently. She laughed at it. I wanted to tell her that she is a sadist. I did. But, I kept thinking why she had laughed, and all the explanations that came to mind were positive ones. I can't really pen them down. But, if I was her friend, she wouldn't have laughed at my misery. She laughed, because she saw the amusing part only. She is indifferent to me and my miseries, probably. That's good. Indifference is better than the "friend" thing. I won't explain it anymore here.
Then, Sayak and me, went to my college. We were mostly quiet. I was trying my best to be OK. But my body has a mind of its own. When I am laughing, it makes my legs shake. When I'm having chocolates, it makes me want to vomit. Anyway, from Star Theatre, I boarded a tram with Sayak. I had to do it, after the turbulence that I was subjected to an hour ago. In the league of the things I have to do without her, it felt like a revenge. But, once Sayak and me were seated, and I looked out of the tram, I was bombed apart. I kept talking to her in my mind, I kept giving that imaginary her, all sorts of explanations like "Sayak wanted it, not me.", "Even you went for the launch ride", etc etc. I realised what I was doing, I wanted to cry. Then, I went to Dalhousie Square for the first time; i.e, the tram went, I saw it for the first time. I saw the Writers' Building and the lake before it, and all the palatial buildings around it. I thought it was beautiful. I didn't want to cry anymore, I was crying. I never wanted to do it. I never wanted to see anything beautiful without her. Yet she's making me do them. I have to see a lot of beautiful things without her. Oh, by the way, the news is that, I am neither going to Delhi, nor Mumbai, nor anywhere else. I don't have money enough. If, by any chance, I do get my hands on something, I'll flee, I swear.
A Coffee House disaster afterwards, I learnt that like "us", even Diya and Sayak's first movie together was Taare Zameen Par. I was reminded of the significance of the Enrique number Hero in their story. Similar to mine. I felt furious. I couldn't see any way how Diya could come back to Sayak. But she must return. There's too much of similarity between both the stories. Diya must return to Sayak, somehow.
Anyway, then I went to Disha's place, where Pupsen said that I looked drugged. I took his practicals and books, to do the diagrams that I had promised him a year ago. A sleepless night afterwards. Then, a sleep-ful morning. I had calmed down a lot by afternoon. Nothing much that day, except the late night chat with him, about her. When I say I am calm, it means I am numb. I feel nothing. I felt nothing.
Next day, an inpromptu-quiz. India Today Group's Inter College Business Quiz. It was held at Jyotirmoyee School Of Business at Sonarpur. We came third. I didn't feel anything then. I had gone "weak" once, when we had qualified for the final round. But, that wasn't weakness to my definition. Shauvik, my partner, called his father. Other people were calling their best friends or their parents. I had called her impulsively. She did't receive though. Anyway, as soon as the quiz was over, I left the place. I didn't wait for their free transportation back to Kolkata. Damn, I was in a village, in winter, I ought to enjoy it, and I can enjoy it only if I am alone! I travelled back home on my own, and travelled in a local train after nearly a year. It wasn't dark yet, and the train wasn't too crowded, in short, it was great. It reminded me of some Vivek Oberoi movie with a train scene in it. But, the name of Vivek Oberoi was about to spark reactions within, when I pushed aside all thoughts away, again.
The night was uneventful, even though I was at Disha's place, helping her give her Mom the birthday surprise at midnight. I was glad to see them happy, the three of them, but I didn't feel it rubbing off on me. I have become indifferent to them. Even Gublu, I have become indifferent to him too. Disha tried making me cry once, saying that I don't love her, I over-do the love thing, blah-blah. I managed to keep a straight face. But my voice was choked when I asked her for explanations.
I came back early morning, had a few intellectual discussions with father. Even that didn't excite me. I was supposed to go watch Kurbaan with Sayak. I couldn't. I had sworn that I won't watch anymore movies at theatres, because I am short of money. But, that's not the only reason behind not going to watch Kurbaan. I didn't want to watch Kurbaan with anyone. Then, I was supposed to take Sayak to LBC Fest, I have been promising him that since months. I didn't. I was incapable of doing it. He understood it. Because he has been through the exact phase. I slept, I had confusing dreams, I shivered in the 12o'clock sun, I was dazed. My head reeled for no reason, my migraine was back, awfully. My legs shook so badly that I couldn't even sit still. I had no track of the time or events around me. I was slightly better by evening. I went out, walked a kilometre. An important kilometre, at that. The stretch from South City to 8B. A damn important kilometre. I had to stop walking twice to stabilise my wobbly legs.
After that, I met the two of them. It wasn't unintentional this time. He made it happen. This time, he knew everything. He tested my acting skills, and I passed. I was at my best.
Coming back home, I read a bit of the book he gave me. I watched Chinese Coffeea bit. That movie is directed by Al Pacino himself. And after watching it, I respect him even more. I love the person more than the actor! Chinese Coffee's protagonist is so much like me. Except that he really has no money. The best similarity that comes to my mind, right now, looking around my own room, is Harry Levine's condition about being so used to living in a sunlight-less, small, cramped room, that he can never live in a large sunny room. He was a writer too, but with less of originality, and more of real-life inspiration, so much so, that his friend accused him of stealing his life. He shook badly when he was under stress. He loved a girl (with whom he had a relationship for a six and a half years), who left him long ago. The last similarity I'll mention here is what he told himself: "No matter what you do, how hard you try, how long you go at it, nothing good can ever, will ever, should ever happen for you."

Fluctuations, and more.

Firstly, I want everyone to read this.
http://ramblesofamelancholybore.blogspot.com/2009/11/elusive-neverland.html
The first paragraph describes EXACTLY what I had on my mind.
I had stopped reading others' blogs. But, the first few lines that appeared in the updates, attracted me.
Anyway, so the bad couple of days explain my absence here. No, I can't write all that happened. Before logging into my blog, I thought I didn't want to rite. Because it doesn't matter anyway. Whether I keep track of my fluctuating emotions, or not, it doesn't matter. Anyway, her voice to the aid, I'm so cheered now, that I want to write down everything. But I can't. Anyway, I respect her privacy.
It rained heavily today. Sayak and me finally watched a movie at the Kolkata Film Festival. Will watch one more with Amrita (a classmate) tomorrow. I walked from Dhakuria to Jadavpur with Sayak, getting wet to the skin. He kept talking. I kept thinking, and trying to cry. When I knew I would cry, few hours earlier, I kept a smile pasted on my lips, forcibly. And when I had the license to cry, damn, the lead ball stuck in my throat became obstinate. Torture, torture. I have to get drunk today. No, I don't need it. I am not in that bad a state today. I needed to get drunk on Saturday. But, I was so sick with lack of sleep and food (I went to a birthday party, mind you, but hardly touched any food.) I couldn't keep balance, I couldn't stand up straight without any support. I didn't have the energy to drink, though I had bought a 150ml bottle on my way back home. I knew it would be a tough day. But I had taken all the measures to ensure that I survive it. I didn't. Anyway, as I emphasise on my status messages everywhere: this wasn't the worst, worse is on its way.
Fluctuations persist. One moment, I'm virtually dead. I lose all my ability to think, to understand. This has been the most predominant feeling throughout today. Nothing matters. Nothing makes sense. Words like "sorry", and "Thank you" have stopped being magic words. They are just some sounds. Sounds don't make sense. Music don't sense. Movies don't make sense. What makes sense anyway? What matters, anyway?
Memories? Aah! Soon, someone else will have the same memories that I have. Even memories can be stolen, trust me. If she does all that she did with me, with him, doesn't he steal my memories as well? One moment I feel using the word "steal" is a crime. He didn't steal anything. He didn't take anything or anyone away from me. He needed just her permission, and she did give it. The next moment, mad with fury, I feel like accusing him of breach of protocol, accusing him of taking her away, taking the only good thing in my life away. What follows after the thought-swings is a feeling of numbness. As soon as I realise that what I think or feel doesn't matter, I stop thinking or feeling. And it doesn't matter, not because she doesn't care, but because I don't care. I fluctuate every milli-second. I am not constant. So why should I matter to myself?
Met a guy called Paras today. He's from the Computer Science Department of our college. I knew him by face, previously. But today, I got to know him. He's one cheerful, talkative, aggressive, idealist boy, who gives out positive vibes. I could feel them. Only that, my mind, absorbed in a pathetic solvent, couldn't absorb the vibes. I've become impervious to happiness. Everything that's happy and good hits me and deflects away.
I fluctuate even more because she does. She doesn't do it intentionally, or even consciously. One moment, she still cares for me, and the next moment she is indifferent to me. One moment, she just doesn't see me beside her. The next moment, she remembers that I was there. Damn. I am complaining about both. I don't want her to just care for me. I don't want to be a bother for her. If I say that I don't want her to be indifferent to me, that wouldn't be truth either. When she is indifferent to me, I suffer badly. But, a self-sadist that I am, I enjoy suffering. I feel better when she hurts me, than when she cares for me. I want her to hurt me, more and more. I remember those K-serials' cheesy dialogues. If you love someone, let her go. If she doesn't come back, she was never yours. No, fuck, that's not the point. The point is, if she comes back. And if she comes back, well, my favourite dialogue from Kumkum "Love is like a yo-yo. The farther you go, the greater force you'll come back with."
That's why I want her to torture me. Pathetic, aint' I? I'm still hoping that she'll come back. Damn. I don't know what to do, what to think. I tried falling in love back with my previous ex. It succeeded for a moment. Then, it all seemed so meaningless. All those "this is just a phase" consolations came back, confusing me even more. No, confusion would have been better. I am not confused. To be confused means to have two contradictory thoughts. Yeah, I do have contradictory thoughts, sometimes, but most of the times, I don't have any thoughts at all. My brain stop working, stop perceiving or understanding or even acting in response. And the rest of the times, I have more than two contradictory thoughts. Let's take the moment when they embraced. You won't believe how many things came to my mind at the same time!
"Will she hug me next?"
"Will I clap?"
"Will I just walk away?"
"will I look at them and make a sad face?"
"Will I smile?"
"Will she tell me something next?"
"Will he ask her to hug me too?"
By the time I decided that I would say something in appreciation, my throat had gone all dry, till it's innermost region. And I didn't get water when I asked for it. The moment passed away as SLOWLY as it happened. They left, I came back home. Numb, numb. I have to keep myself immersed in books, not movies. Books offer long-term distractions, unlike 3-hour movies.
I don't know what will happen next. I won't lose my sanity, not yet. But I might lose it soon. I am fluctuating badly between hope and despair, happiness and agony. From tomorrow onwards, I lose one more rope to hold on to. I could have had it, though. I don't feel I made a sacrifice for them. I feel selfish, because I know that I want to be hurt, because getting hurt gives me pleasure. I asked her to sacrifice one of the last bits of me left with her, because I want to get the pleasure. The pleasure out of the pain. I dunno anything. I am numb now, so I can't even cry. Let's see. I have to try to drink. Maybe that'll help me cry. Maybe that'll help me feel what I'm not letting myself feel.

Back

No more personal posts here, I'm stable. Yeah, I have mood fluctuations, but I have my goal clear. I want her to be happy. And she is happy. So, I'm happy. There are times when, in Neema's language, my blood boils. But if there's something I can't give her, and someone else can, I don't have a fucking right to object. I'll manage my fluctuations.
Done with the exams today. I did my best. I know I could have done better, but given the circumstances, it was pretty good. Thanks to all those who forced me to go for the exam when I was determined I won't!
Since the last two days I'm receiving a lot of love from Disha's mom. I know this is temporary. But I have to make use of it, till it's there. I have to use it to cheer myself up.
With all the birthdays coming and going, I'll have something to keep myself busy with, for quite sometime now. I overate last night at Jojo Da's birthday family party. And today, I didn't have anything all day. Compensated, I guess.
I dunno if I'll finally make it to a single movie at the Kolkata Film Festival. Hoping for some time next year, or the next! Hope again!
Anyway, one thing's confirmed, I'm watching 2012 alone. Also Tum Mile, which I never thought I'd watch (especially after the disasters the Bhatt family has been producing over the last few years). But I will. Back to my movie self again. No resolutions anymore. I can spend as much money as I want on my desires. Secondary desires, that is!
Praying for Puspen's recovery. He looks pretty awful, and that makes me feel awful as well.
I have all the Wong Kar Woi movies downloaded. Next, Akira Kurosawa. And Al Pacino will be my relief breaks! I love the man. Just saw a few scenes of Chinese Coffee. It is an under-rated movie, but supposed to be Pacino's 2nd best performance after The Godfather-s!
A lot of books on my way too...Chetan Bhagat's Two States (will start that tonight itself). Then Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead. Then Hilary Clinton's Living History. More to come. Till my results are out, I have to finish all that I wanted to do this year.
Delhi seems to have taken control of my dreams, or rather nightmares. I have a bad dream whenever I go to sleep. I never experienced this kind of a thing before. That chain of nightmares at Durgapur, to start with...till today morning. I can't stop them, like I can't start my food habits all over again. But I'll manage. The toughest is yet to come. 19th-23rd December. I have no plan of action yet. One thing's good, I didn't get drunk any of these days yet! I wanted to, every night. But I didn't!
Anyway, I'll see what happens. I'll fight my emotions till they consume me. I'm not doing too bad right now. Except for one outburst.
I dunno. I just don't know. It's best I just stop my brain's functioning for sometime. Just enter a nitrogen freezer, and freeze myself, and all my metabolic functions till she gets married. I can allow my brain to start functioning after that, I guess. I dunno. I told you, I'm still not over the fluctuations. Right now, I'm feeling angry and sad at the same time. I was feeling happy a while ago, when I started writing this post. I'll stop before I blurt out unnecessary details.

Break

I'll be taking a break from blogging, for reasons best not said. I changed the title and all back to what it was originally when I started blogging. I changed the picture to Gublu's face because of the importance he has in my story. I wanted to put up the picture of the other Gublu in my life (the first Gublu, in fact), and I did that too, but then I realised it would not be safe. My whole blog might be deleted without my permission if I put it.
I have an exam tomorrow, another exam day after tomorrow. Kolkata Film Festival has already started from today. So, right when my exam is over, I'll devote myself to it.
Last night, I had severe mood swings again. One moment I was super-excited (with all the birthday planning) and the next moment I was super-depressed (with all the birthday plannings seeming meaningless and aimless).
Today, I kept myself busy again. It's not that I didn't cry. I had cried while watching Jail, but at completely un-emotional scenes, unlike my other companions. I had cried a number of other times too. And thankfully, the person whom I used to hate for reading my face few weeks ago, has lost her ability to read my face!
Anyway, I just had a shock (while typing this blog). I dunno if I can study. The awful shivering is back. But I can't write anything anymore. For a long time to come.

Good Versus Bad

Monday. 9th November. I went to college against all my innermost desires. Because I had given word to Shauvik that I would go to listen to his story with Aadhya. And because I was supposed to get the lighter I had lost, back.
When I missed the station Girish Park, thanks to my silent monologues, I decided to walk upto college from Sovabazaar. I did. The weather was pleasant, and I didn't sweat much. When I entered the college, I saw the notice boards advertising a lot of cultural events coming up. Silent monologues again, I entered the hall. Met Sunanda from Hem Sheela. I crossed the hall, my feet asking to stop every minute. Below the staircase, I saw a few of my classmates standing, him among them. I was filled with both anger and pain at the same time. I hurried upstairs, avoiding eye-contact with anyone. Once upstairs, I looked around me, and not seeing any familiar faces, I tried to cry, and let it out. My eyes had squeezed and opened to find two of my classmates arriving. More poured in. My throat stuck, I tired making vague smiles with my facial muscles. A guy came and punched me in the stomach, and asked me "ki khobor?" (what's the news?). I replied that my tummy-line is increasing, and smiled with closed eyes.
I sat in the first bench (as usual). I remembered how I used to enjoy sitting in the last bench till 12; you could get the view of the whole class, what everyone's doing and all, from the last bench.
He came in; I saw it with the corner of my eyes. I tried to focus on the diary in front of me. The white and red design: ACC. I opened the last pages, and began reading the poems there. Three of them. After a while, he called me and asked me to go and sit on the bench before him and his gang. I had still not recovered. I asked a violent "Kyun?". He gestured something that meant "okay, be there". That started the process, I was calming down. Then Neema called me. I stared at her for one whole minute. Her eyes. Ok, I told her I have a crush on her, so I must obey her, I thought. I don't know if I have a crush on her. I like her looks, and when she talks to me in person, I feel different, because I can't help thinking that SHE knows everything. Damn, she knows everything. Anyway, I took my bag and notebook, and went to that bench. The view was awkward. The five rows in front of me were empty. As if the whole class was behind me, and even the teacher would come and stand behind us, and we would have to turn around soon. It was very, very awkward for a permanent first-bencher like me. I turned around and told Neema that the view is awkward, and she replied that, that's how the class always looks, and everyone sits at the back.
I was calming down. I opened a blank page, and tried to think of some poem. Then I turned back a few more pages, and I heard his voice behind me, reading the stuff on the page open. I turned round at him. I was calming down. I could make it. I'm not sure where I was looking, when he said that he forgot to bring my lighter. I was furious. He said sorry. That made me even more furious. Thoughts ran around like mice inside my head. I remembered that she said she'll kill me (she had said quite seriously) if I teach him to smoke. I felt like telling her that I'll kill him if I don't do well in the exam, because I was supposed to study today morning; I came to college only because of the lighter. I also imagined other implications of the "sorry". The breach of protocol that he is indulging in, by falling in love with her, and all that. Puspen came to my mind ("breach of protocol" is Puspen's remark, mind you). I tried to think like Puspen. Ok, I am strong, I am stoic, I don't have feelings. You can't kill my heart, because I don't have a heart. I am impervious to sorrow and happiness. That helped in calming me down instantly. I remembered Dada, and imagined that he would be proud of me today.
The class started. I couldn't concentrate. But, never mind, I was not feeling bad. Afterwards, I did talk to him a lot. I talked to his friends, I talked to other classmates, I talked to Shauvik (wait for the Aadhya story), I talked to her ex-classmate too, and told her about HIM & HER, and introduced them to each other, saw him blushing at the mention of her name, talked to HIM about her, and about things other than her, perfectly normally, fake-smiling all the time. By the time I was leaving college, Mission Pretension was so successful that when I told myself "Okay, the acting is over, you can be yourself now.", I found it difficult to take the fake smile off my face; so well it was pasted!
I told Disha how his being so good with me makes things worse, how his concern for my "smiling", my studies etc, make matters worse. If he would have been a bad person, things would have been better. But sadly, he's very good, or rather he's the best.
Anyway, then I was on my way to South City, to try and gift-shop. I changed my mind and took the train back. I went to New Market to buy a nose pin from Chamba Lama and a brass chain for my pet dog from Simpark Mall. Chamba Lama people told me there won't be any nose-pins till Sunday. And Simpark Mall, as I found out, remains closed on Mondays. I had a good conversation with Payal, and that helped me clear my mind about the impending gift shopping to be done. Half-prepared, I came back home. I can't write anything more, I have to talk him and her to give the final touches to my plans. And if I write it here, she might just read it and the surprise would be gone.
I didn't sleep much last night. So, I'll try and sleep now.
He told me he'll give me his notes on the Gender Issues and Development thing. (told you, he's just too good!)So, I can have that thing off my mind.
The outcome of whatever's happening has both good and bad to it.
Good ones first:
1. He's the incentive to my going to college.
2. I've got someone to talk to at college. I hope, my "go alone-sit alone-leave alone" days are over.
3. I was praying for change, because I was fed up of the stagnant state of our relationship. Here's the change I exactly wanted!
Nevertheless, bad ones:
1. I don't have a single soul on earth whom I can tell EVERYTHING, truthfully. I have to wear a mask all day, everyday, everywhere, with everyone. Even the ones who know everything (like Disha and Neema) can't influence me to be myself, and as I realised the first day this started, I am pretending to happy with them too! I just tell them the facts, but I say everything with a chuckle. Puspen and Sayak can be called exceptions. I can be myself with them, but I hardly meet them, and if I am with any of them it means I'm busy trying to keep myself busy, so no depressing talk! Puspen is different than Sayak. He's more like my strength, than a friend. God-father ho toh aisa! :)
2. Its a continuation of the first point. I don't have an inspiration anymore, no one to tell me what to do, when to do, how to do. I don't have anyone who'll get angry one me!
3. I can hardly have any solid food anymore, without excreting it out (in any form) within no time.
No more bragging about it. Whatever happens, happens for the best. And I am quite okay now. I hate to admit why I'm okay, when I'm okay, but well, it's the unbreakable faith that destiny will be in my favor. Even though, "destiny" above all things have been against me all these days, I still hope it's just a phase. Everything will be ok. So why waste time sulking?
I'll go to sleep now, and try to study when I wake up.

Difficult, but not Impossible.

It's difficult, but not impossible to subtract all the "censored" things from the entire day, and find and write the rest. 24 hours is long. I'll try. I'll start off where I had left a few minutes ago.
Sritama had called, yeah, and now I'm feeling numb again. And feeling NUMB is 10 times better than feeling BAD. I'm still having a lump in the throat, but I'm calm. The thing, that I was thinking on the way back home today, is that if I have ever had any dream , it was to have a sad death. I remember Aavriti had once asked me my secret dream, and I had told her that I wanted to be on an island, all alone, like Robinson Crusoe. There should be white sands and dark blue sea, but I should be alone. So that I am sad, and things are better and more beautiful when you are sad. Like sad songs are mostly the best kind of music. I want to be sad. So now that I am sad, I should be happy. I should be glad that whatever's happening, is happening.
Sritama and Shauvik's stories are their private things, which I won't mention. Anyway, Shauvik said he's committed with Aadhya, she's the girl from Ahmedabad whom I liked! The other girl Disha was friendlier, so Aadhya seemed more attractive. Anyway, nothing matters. Even Tashi's missed calls don't matter really.
I told Sritama that I really want to go to Delhi, so if my results are out, and not too bad, I'll be in Delhi in the first week of December. I will spend at least one moment of my birthday in front of the India Gate. She said that would be great, and I shouldn't worry about the excuses, because her college fest is around that time! Let's see if I have the mood or the money! I once nearly cried while talking to her about Delhi, but I made it up. She was asking me if I would mind if she was with me on my birthday, and I said a genuine yes. I cried, remembering my previous birthday, and the previous plans for this year's birthday. The chocolate cake, etc. Sritama didn't suspect that I'm close to tears (my acting skills are slowly improving, but I had to tell her to make her believe that I genuinely want her to be there. I know I don't feel anything for Sritama, but she means a damn lot to me.
I was talking to Oxy today morning. Oh, won't refer to her as Oxy anymore. That was the name WE used to use. Oindrilla Mitra. The girl whom Apurva from USA had sort or "referred to me". I know I make it sound like a project. But when you can't get your ex out of your mind, dating other girls is impossible, and unless I make it sound like a project, it won't work. Anyway, Oindrilla, alias Gul, is a very nice person. I haven't met her yet, and I'm in no hurry. I like talking to her. It doesn't mean that I feel like talking to her all the time, or that I miss her when I'm not talking to her. I just send her texts once in a while, and she replies, and our textual chats are not boring. Anyway, we made this deal that she'd talk in Bengali, and me in Hindi (to develop our respective linguistic skills). After a while, both of us were exhausted from the effort! It was nice, it made me smile for sometime. Anyway, I've got some idea about where Princep Ghat is, so now, I can go to meet Gul there, when she goes for horse-riding early dawn. That's because she has an immense academic pressure, and she can't manage to meet me otherwise.
Saugata had called, and mocked me about complaining that I don't have a girlfriend, when I have someone whom I talk to every night. I told him that things have changed after I returned from Delhi, and I'll tell him the details when we meet for the theatre thing on Friday.
I want to ask Picco to come today, but I have to study; I have already wasted the whole day again! It's difficult, but not impossible!

Un-Thinkable, Un-Writable

Puspen was telling me yesterday that Kurosawa's movies are so good, that they are unwatchable, I mean, they show REALITY so well. Similarly, what I'm feeling is un-writable. Un-thinkable too, and I'm not thinking of it. I have let the feelings come and hit me and deflect away (yeah, Puspen, it's your language, I know). My language now, last night, what I exactly felt was that a cold ice knife has pierced me in the chest. It was this feeling, in its exactness. Anyway, back to today, I think it's going to get boring if I write everyday, that things are getting from bad to worse. But they are, and they will, and I have to expect worse, so that I don't feel it anymore. Today, for the first time since all this started, I got violent. Murderous, to be exact. As I said it's un-writable. So, I won't write it. I have already told Sayak, because he asked me how I am, exactly when, I was swallowing the violence.
I can't even write what happened all day today. Anyway, compared to other Sundays of my Kolkata life, today was better. Technically speaking, of course. I wouldn't be feeling violent if nothing bad happened.
Anyway, Sritama called. Bye.

The First Sunday

Today's the first Sunday after all that happened. Last night, I couldn't sleep, scared of what might happen. Sundays were always bad for me, because I didn't get to see her, and didn't get to call her either. What would be this Sunday like?
Anyway, I had a chain of nightmares again. It involved all the people who were with me in Delhi. I remember one distinctly, in which we had to change our thoughts from one topic to another, to save our lives. We were trapped somewhere, and whoever thought abut one single thing for more than ten seconds, just died on the spot. The next dream had Ramit (someone from Durgapur) in it. He was bewitching people into some wicked world with a red gazing lamp. Guess it's the Farmville thing. Anyway, there were more. Considering that I went to sleep after 2am, when the alarm rang at 6am, I found myself already awake. Anyway, one song to the aid, I studied three pages. Then I logged into Orkut, and saw Sayantanee's Shekhar's photos on Somopriya's album. Called Sayantanee, scrapped Somopriya. What followed is another NITian's love-mess. He was double-timing, givng more prefernce to Somopriya, of course, but being unfaithful to her as well. I guess the two girls are meeting up today, and Shekhar's gonna kill me!
Anyway, I downloaded all the F-3 songs. But, haven't managed to listen to them again. I told you, I'm partially anti-music right now. Anyway, I discovered a song today, I told her, and she stole it. But it's more idiotic than sad. The lyrics of the song make sense only to ME!
Anyway, Disha called and requested me to stay at her home for a few days, because she can't study. I don't think I'll be able to study if I go there, but I've gotta make a few sacrifices, to get a few sacrifices in return, right? Let's see, it's not evening yet.
She'll give me access to the internet all 24 hours, so no worries, really.
I typed a Memorandum of Understanding for dad today, it was fun (the feeling of being a grown-up and all)
Back to Farmville now. :)

An un-Romantic Victoria and More...

Two of my previous posts have been deleted, and I can't re-type it all unless I find out WHY. Anyway, Mission Pretension has an important accessory to it. To make myself do all the things I never imagined I'd do without her. It started off with the going to Star Theatre with Sayak, and today, Victoria Memorial with Puspen. It would have been better if I went with some girl, but for me, what matters is with or without her. The company in the latter case doesn't matter. It didn't matter when I went to IMAX. Nor the launch ride on Ganges. It was similar. Anyway, I want to tell something more about the IMAX experience (note the pun), but I'm not sure if I am allowed to.
The day started off well, after some good sleep, after a long time. I didn't do anything productive though, I mean studies. I went to Victoria, and found it to the most un-romantic place on earth. I didn't enjoy the museum too. I guess anyone who knows history well enough won't enjoy it, because everything is an illustration of what I already knew. Sat on a bench afterwards and discussed movies with Puspen. He put a very difficult question to me. "According to you, which is the best Bollywood movie of 2009?" If he hadn't added "according to you" I would have easily answered Dev-D, from the critic's point of view; the film critic within me. But, the movie that's closer to my heart is Love Aaj Kal, it brought me close to tears, no other movie did. DevD was awesome, but I couldn't really relate to Dev! Same with Farhan Akhtar in Luck By Chance, or Shahid Kapoor in Kaminey, or Sid in Wake up Sid. And there haven't been any low-budget good movies like Dasvidanya or Khosla ka Ghosla this year. Or maybe, there was, but I don't remember much. I was more inclined towards my own home collection than the theatres this year. I had made a new year resoultion after all, that I won't waste money on anything other than her, and that included watching movies without her. Dil Bole Hadippa and Blue Oranges (low-budget, yeah) weren't upto the mark. Kambaqt Ishq and Chadni Chowk To China would rather not be considered movies in the first place. They were insults to the concept of film-making. Main Aur Mrs. Khanna was a good entertainer, period. Acid Factory was entertaining too, I don't need good stories in action movies, if the action sequences are good. Same with Blue; the camera work was awesome, but there were flaws in it. Even Love Aaj Kal had flaws, but not Dev-D!
Anyway, the Kolkata Film Festival is coming. And this year, I don't any reservations about going with or without her. She has made it clear, that she is not interested in watching documentaries. She has made it even clearer, that she'd rather go to a movie with her friends or him, than with me. And in any case, I enjoy watching movies alone, so I shouldn't feel bad about it. I have to get excited about it. Let's see if I can get a Delegate Pass.
Other important things would include the arrival of the birthday season. Lots of birthdays this month, so lots of gift shopping to be done. Last year, was the first year of my having friends, hence the first year of my having to buy gifts for someone's birthday. I had given everyone a book, matching his or her taste. But, till now, none of them have read it. So, no books this time. That makes it tougher for me, because when it comes to shopping, I am not good at buying anything other than books. When I go to buy other things, I lose my sense of good and bad, and end up buying the wrong stuff, most of the time. Let's see. After my exam ends on Thursday, I'll go shopping...till Friday night.
I was in the mood for studying today evening, but first Disha (who's going through the worst phase in her life, I think) and then Payal called and now, the internet connection is back, so I wasted tonight as well. I think I'll ask Picco not to come tonight, so that I can study now.
Oh, and yeah, I had some food finally. A Green Lays 20 bucks ka packet. The girls from Bhutan had gifted it to me at Delhi. I haven't vomitted it out yet. I hope I'm fine now. And oh, I'm not entirely anti-music now. I'm tapping my feet to the tunes of two songs all day. One Hindi, one English. Not bad, eh? I'm recovering fast! Mission Pretension, Jai Ho!
Tashi (from Bhutan, and my crush at Delhi), have been giving missed calls, which I've been returning. I guess after the exams, I'll call her once.
One last prayer, Dear Results, please come out soon! The delay is irritating me.
Did I miss out anything? Oh yeah, Disha's bad phase. But, since she herself doesn't know the reasons behind it, I don't know what to write. In my words, this is the first time when I asked her "Don't you love Puspen more than anyone else?", she replied, "Give me some time to think.". No matter who she is going out with, who she's going to bed with, whenever I have asked this question to her, she had always replied Yes without a thought. Not that I'm scared my god-parents might break up. Because, even amidst all the trauma, she said she needs Puspen with her. I'm just scared that she's not okay. She's ill. I dunno what to do. This is the first time, I dunno how to help someone.
Oh, I had a strange dream today. It was about her, as usual, but I wasn't physically present in it. She was with some friends, whose faces I don't remember. Then, she told everyone that she wanted to call Arijit Kundu, and then she called me (somehow, I'm not with her, but I can see her). When I received her call, she asked "Kundu??". I replied "Yeah, bol". I was aware that she was making a mistake, but I didn't want to tell her, because I wanted to know what she had to tell Kundu. (Even in dreams, I am wicked). Then, the line got disconnected. I kept saying "Hello? Hello?" till I woke up!